sexual violation

Why Are We So Casual About Sexual Assault?

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A couple of weeks back someone, somewhere, decided to share the gruesome video of a man being sodomised by several men in turns. I don’t know who recorded the graphic video and who thought it was worth posting online, but it was posted all the same and widely shared before the video was pulled down. The man’s crime to warrant such vile treatment, according to the story accompanying the video, was that he had been caught red handed sleeping with another man’s wife. And so these other men, “tasked with maintaining law and order in the community” (personally I think they are rapists and  should spend the rest of their lives behind bars)  were simply teaching him a lesson.

What kind of lesson?! And for someone to actually record it and post it online as if it was the most noble thing to do. These are not people maintaining law and order, according to me. These are heartless criminals hiding behind the veil of gangs, that met out punishment to supposed wrongdoers and in the vilest of ways. My heart went out to that man who despite his indiscretions, had been forced to go through such an ordeal under the glare of phone cameras, for a crime which could have easily been sorted out by the area chief.

Fast forward to a few days back. I think at the start of the KCSE (Kenya Certificate of Secondary Examination)  and this candidate sitting her exams was attacked by 4 men, who proceeded to rape her, on her way to school in the morning. So the story made it to the prime time news. And how her ordeal had been handled shocked me. In a wise move, she had been rushed to a medical facility for immediate treatment and counseling but for some reason, the people handling her case decided that she was okay enough, to still sit for her paper as she was taken back to school to continue with her exams. I couldn’t believe if what I had heard from the reporter was actually true.

This is a young girl, 17 or 18 years old, still a teenager, who had just been raped and adults somewhere, actually assumed that she could sit for her papers just hours after being raped?! That the little counseling she had received deemed her fit mentally to concentrate on her final exams for her secondary school education. Who reasons like that?! Since when did examinations become more important than a person’s psychological state?

These two horrifying incidents are what have led me to firmly believe that quite a number of people still display some level of casualness regarding sexual assault. There are things that a section of people, continue to consider harmless regardless of all the awareness on sexual assault, that they have been exposed to in the past. Sexual assault, according to a definition by Wikipedia, is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.

It is refreshing to note though, that the aforementioned video was greatly condemned by many who got to view it. That shows that there is still hope in this war against violence of a sexual nature. We need to take stern action against perpetrators of this heinous crime. One of the issues of the Nairobian newspaper, spoke of parents in Western Kenya protecting relatives who had molested minors in the family. According to me, when such a thing happens, the parent should step up as the child’s guardian, put all blood relation considerations aside and have the perpetrator arrested.

Why are we allowing our children to continue living with inflicted scars that they dare not speak about? Do we want those poor children, unfortunate enough to have been molested by a relative, whom the family later protected from facing any criminal charges, to equally grow up thinking it is okay to molest children as adults? Do we want them to take their own lives because they cannot bare the shame and torment that the incident caused them?

It is time that we collectively spoke up against sexual assault. Whether it is sodomy or rape or any of the other forms of sexual assault, it is still sexual assault. No man or woman asks to be raped or sodomised. No child asks to be molested. We need to be responsible adults. We need to ensure that victims of sexual assault receive adequate counseling and medical help. Parents need to clearly state to their children from an early age what is appropriate touching and what is not. The more we treat sexual assault casually, the more the rot seeps deep into our society and that is not a society worth being a part of. This is more like a wake up call for all of us to give sexual assault, the seriousness it deserves and in the process, protect our society from sex offenders.


An Increasing Number Of Kenyans Are Addicted To Pornography

I know the title of my post today is going to set tongues wagging but I state the above with good reason.

I’m a frequent guest of cyber cafes. I have been a blogger for close to 3 years now. Actually, I clock 3 years of continuous blogging on different blog sites and this particular blog next month. And in all that period, I have frequented cybers and logged into computers for public use, several times only to be accosted by images of naked men and women. Meaning that the previous user(s) was/were viewing some pornographic material online. Forget the warnings of “No viewing of pornography sites” that many cyber owners like to paste on their walls. An increasing number of Kenyans are addicted to pornography.

Now I’m not trying to be a moral judge and point fingers at people. On average, I think all Kenyans have come across images of near naked men and women alike in addition to simulation of sexual acts in mostly raunchy and risque music videos, soap operas and movies. Born again Christian or not, Muslim, Jew or Hindu, if you are a user of our matatus sometimes the screens overhead showcase all kinds of risque music videos which you have probably glanced at, albeit unwillingly. It is a fact of life that sex is believed to sell and therefore, entertainers maximize on their sexuality.

Anyways, this morning was no different for me. I log into a computer and see one of the sites being surfed by a Kenyan was a pornographic site. It is an observation and a worrying observation. And while some people may choose to argue that pornography has no grave effect on a person and may even spice up sex in a relationship, I tend to slightly disagree. I’m not going to dictate what my fellow countrymates should watch or shouldn’t. It is a personal adult choice.

However, I am going to state that an addiction to pornography leads to feelings of guilt, shame and often an addiction to sex. In this era when HIV/AIDS is a reality in addition to numerous life threatening STIs, an addiction to sex is a road I doubt any normal functioning human being would like to take. Pornography addiction often fuels a lack of respect toward the female gender. Most of these female adult movie stars tend to be violated by the opposite sex in the movies. It might be for show but for the viewer, it only does a good job of instilling the sexual stereotype that women are sexual objects and should be treated as such. Many sex offenders have been known to have a secret addiction to pornographic material. Sex in these movies is often depicted as a sense of dominance by a man to a woman.

Bestiality acts are a constant feature in some pornographic material. Kenyans may laugh and create memes mocking individuals who have been caught red handed having sex with animals and maybe beaten to death by irate residents but in reality, this is a sad situation. For a normal human being with sexual desires for a fellow human being to end up choosing to have sex with animals, something in his psychology must have been previously corrupted by something else. I refer to a he, because in all the incidences Kenyans have heard concerning bestiality, the perpetrator is often of the male gender. However, I state again that I’m not using my post to judge but to enlighten.

Paedophilia stems from pornography addiction. Children have been molested by guardians and adults who are charged with protecting these children. Children have been lured into shooting pornographic material for perverted individuals, who only care about feeding their warped sexual desires in addition to making money in whatever unscrupulous ways. Nobody wakes up one morning deciding to molest a child. He/she must have gotten molested in the past as a child or corrupted gradually to the point where the act being committed does not seem warped to him or her anymore.

Lastly, pornography is breaking marriages and relationships. Forget the belief that it can be used to revive an otherwise dead sexual aspect of a relationship. Pornography will only give an individual unrealistic expectations for his/her partner. The saying of “I want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed” further proves the kind of unrealistic expectations we are setting for our partners. Of course sex needs to be enjoyed but expecting your wife to do what you saw some woman paid to do it for entertainment on a blue movie, is in reality unfair. Rape happens in marriages and all because we allowed our minds to be drawn to pornography and we are now on a path to sexual self destruction.

The most vulnerable are our children of this generation who are growing up in a technology fueled era where they can access all kinds of gadgets. If you are already a parent, it is time to check if your young son or daughter is already being exposed to pornographic material. It might save you future heartache.

What We Should Be Teaching Our Girls

If we truly desire to have a society of empowered females, then we need to start early by instilling certain knowledge in our young girls.

With all the outward negative influences being advertised as gospel truth, we risk losing the women of tomorrow to these fallacies.

It is about time now that we set the record straight by teaching our girls that;

They should always say NO to sexual violation and harassment

According to definitions by Wikipedia, Sexual harassment is bullying or coercion of a sexual nature, or the unwelcome or inappropriate promise of rewards in exchange for sexual favors while Rape, is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration perpetrated against a person without that person’s consent.

I’m deeply saddened to learn that just recently, a certain school in my country nearly covered up a rape incident that happened within the school grounds. It is alleged that a Biology teacher (currently in police custody) defiled a 14 year old Form 1 student. The poor girl was forbidden by the school administration from calling her parents to report the incident, made to wash her garments (thus losing all evidence in the process) and kept in school until the duration for taking prophylaxis for the HIV virus lapsed.

It is further alleged that it was only after pressure from the rest of the students, to take action against the injustice, that the school decided to involve the law. The parents of the girl got to know about the rape incident from the police.

I have a huge problem with this scenario. Judging by the fact that the school is headed by a female, I wonder why she did not think it wise, to take immediate action that would have clearly helped the girl. I wonder why yet another female, made sure that this girl washed her garments therefore destroying all the evidence. I’m not in the business of pointing fingers and until the verdict is clear in this case, I shall leave it that.

However, I feel angered that a young girl’s innocence had to be robbed just because someone somewhere, had the audacity to not control his carnal desires. I feel like the whole approach to this situation was totally wrong. By making this girl keep quiet about what had happened, it was unfortunately being instilled in her that perverts can be excused as long as they are in authority.

We need to teach our girls to say NO to any forms of sexual harassment or rape for that matter. It doesn’t matter whether it has been carried out by God forbid, a relative, religious leader, an older friend of the opposite sex or a stranger. Rape is rape and sexual harassment is sexual harassment. We need to teach our girls to speak up when someone of the opposite sex touches them inappropriately or in a way that makes them uncomfortable. We need to get rid of that fear in our girls, to report something they feel bordered on sexual harassment or violation.

That way, our girls will clearly be able to distinguish between gentlemen and perverted individuals. They will be able to know that a man who respects a woman, does not force himself on her, neither does he touch her inappropriately without her consent. They need to know that gentlemen exercise self control and do not give in to their desires to touch and grope, like to quote the Bible, the heathen.

There’s a very thin line between being sexy and exposing themselves to perverts and ridicule

Nowadays when exchanging nudies and pouting in skimpy attire for selfies is the norm, our young girls need to know that there is a very thin line between being sexy and exposing themselves to perverts and ridicule. They need to know that once they have sent that nudie to that boy they supposedly fancy, then they should be prepared for any type of consequence.

Young girls need to know that their bodies should be respected by them first before any other person can accord them any respect. That once they have shared something on Instagram or Facebook or sent something to someone in an uncompromising situation, then it’s out there. That other person can decide to share it with the rest of the world or to prey on this young girl.

An increasing number of teenage girls are engaging in online dating and while there’s nothing wrong with trying your luck out on dating sites, we need to teach them that at their ages, they are still very vulnerable. All kinds of people sit behind their computers on a daily basis, posing to be people they are not. That good looking teenage boy whose profile picture on an online dating site may make you want to melt, could actually be a 60 something year old sexual offender preying on you.

The seemingly innocent requests to send him a selfie of yours in a bikini or a nudie, could just be a ploy to entangle you with something more dangerous than you could have ever imagined. Indeed, many sexual offenders have been known to forge friendships with unsuspecting teenage girls, in search of validation and approval via social media, only to lure them into their dens and violate or even murder them afterward.

We need to teach our girls that the celebrities they see online, posting selfies and photos of themselves on a daily basis are actually well protected. They rarely leave their houses without well trained bodyguards in tow to protect them. Their houses are fitted with the latest, sophisticated security equipment to quickly sense an intruder. They are on a whole different level from our young teenagers, something that they rarely disclose when posting their “sexy” photos online and details of their lives.

Our brains are our most powerful tool

We should teach our girls that despite the seemingly urgent need to pursue vanity, what we posses in our brains shall always be much more important. Looks fade, trends come and go, we age, but our brains keep on acquiring more knowledge as we carry on with life. The education we acquire from books, nobody can rob us of it. Our creativity and talent is God given. We may not be the most popular girl at school or even considered pretty, but that gift we have is much more precious than a thousand words of validation from our peers.

Our young girls need to know that they can look up to the likes of Malala as role models and not only the Miley Cyruses, Kylie Jenners and the likes. They need to know that they are not too young to do something for the benefit of girls their age. They need to know that what others think of them does not matter as long as their brains are intact. After all, they are strong women in the making.

Now I’m fully aware that I have mentioned we several times. The we is actually me and you who are more informed than a teenage girl. These are our mothers, our older sisters, our older female cousins, our female teachers, our female guardians and just about anyone, even if not female, who can teach a young girl on just how to be a strong future woman.

Demystifying The “Bitter Woman”

I once came across this meme that someone had posted on Social Media;

Stop Taking Relationship Advice From Bitter Women

Well, I was naturally curious to see the comments so I scrolled down. Outrageously, several women had liked and equally commented agreeing with the whole idea. There were comments from women like “Yeah, these women are bitter that’s why they give these kinds of relationship advice”, ” Yes! Tell them” blah, blah, blah kind of crap.

It is not uncommon for women to sometimes tear each other apart so despite my slight outrage, I knew this was kind of expected.

But then I chose to look at it this way; There are women who have been so lucky, blessed even, to meet and date wonderful men who pampered them, respected them, protected them and married them. Such women have fortunately been spared the games that a section of men play in the dating world. Some of them do not even know the pain of being cheated on. Well, I have nothing against these particular category of women. In fact, they are my inspiration.

However, there are quite a number of women who have been unfortunate enough to date every Tom, Dick and Harry who came in tow with a bagful of lies and tricks. Some of these women happen to be bloggers or writers, let’s say. And they decided to share their experiences with their readers. I must admit that some of their posts may come out a little too blunt or direct or sarcastic. I do not blame them.

All those ‘no good men’ they have encountered in their dating lives have taught them quite a number of lessons. Sorry to say this, but these women are way savvier in relationship matters, than the former category I have spoken about because they have not only tasted the good, but the ugly too. They are better versed at giving practical relationship advice to other women in similar predicaments.

Does that make them bitter because they seem to be settling scores with men? To many, yes! And so we brand them “bitter women”.

1a4ad0ceded1c18e7803b67ebe1f7bc0Apparently, I ought to cower in shame for identifying as a Feminist. Why?

Because over time, Feminists have been branded bitter women, who have failed at love and marriage and therefore, are out to spew their toxins to other sober minded women in successful marriages and relationships. They may be successful in their careers as a result of their confidence and assertiveness but deep down, they are crying torrents as they mourn their f***d up love lives and messy divorces, from husbands who wouldn’t put up with their shenanigans. They are women who ought to be avoided at all costs.

Let us try and understand Feminism.

Who is truly a Feminist?

Is she the woman who protests down the street, with female underwear against some sort of injustice committed by the government, that has no relation whatsoever to multicolored undergarments? Is she the woman who dresses skimpily and hangs onto a bus while enacting some form of sexual activity, all in the name of preaching that women should be allowed to dress the way they want to? Is she the woman who kills her own infant son because she claims that she is a feminist therefore desired a girl for a child and not a boy?

Indeed, there are acts which have been committed by self proclaimed feminists, that have actually led society to brand them “bitter, disgraceful women” who do not give a hoot about what others will say or do about them. However, we know for a fact that acts of feminism in the past, have changed some of the deeply rooted oppressive mentalities toward women.

A true feminist;

  • Speaks up against sexual violation of women
  • Asserts for the right of a woman to vote in an election and to actually own a driver’s license
  • Emphasizes on the need to educate girls in the society
  • Will not take oppression in marriage coated with claims of “submission” to the husband
  • Pushes for gender equality in the workplace and country
  • Speaks up against detrimental practices to the girl child such as FGM
  • Opposes early marriages of the girl child to older men
  • Has strong views on matters relationships, marriage and career development
  • Cannot stand to hear the opposite sex trashing the woman
  • Knows the rights of women and their contribution to society
  • Will clearly state her desire not to participate in tradition, that does not favor the woman and may put her at risk of even getting infected with HIV…

And the list is endless.

So for all those branding feminists as bitter women, are you indeed justified in doing so?

For all those branding women who have had their fair share of troubles in dating and marriage as bitter women, are you indeed justified in doing so?

Before you embark on finger pointing and stereotyping of a fellow woman, take a minute and ask yourself what you would have done had you faced a similar situation?
Nobody chooses to be bitter. Everybody reacts to situations differently. Women ought to uplift one another so much that in the process, the bitterness of one is dissolved. Men on the other hand need to spare a thought for the woman. Branding never helped anyone.

Why I Think Njoki Chege’s Article On Interracial Dating Gone Wrong Is On Point…

I’m posting in reference to the above article, by controversial Saturday Nation, City Girl Columnist, Njoki Chege that appeared today on the paper. And while I may not necessarily agree with all the articles that this young woman writes, I can’t help but mention that her brashness sometimes makes a lot of sense.

I even went ahead to comment on the status update last night on Facebook, concerning the said article and so far, the feedback I have gotten just from that simple comment of mine is very positive. It actually formed the inspiration behind this post.

A section of readers have chosen to bash Njoki for this article with some going as far as branding her a racist. Nowadays, I have come to realize that the word racist is being thrown around carelessly. Quite recently, I got branded a racist for claiming that someone else was. This person of interest had decided to attack a particular nationality and judging by his previous displays of sheer arrogance and ignorance toward other races, I was led to conclude that he is probably a racist.

My point was that he had to think first before making certain statements as they are surely going to ruffle some feathers. And suddenly someone called me a racist. Of course that didn’t bother me as such because I knew what had motivated me to state that. It is not a word I use on a daily basis considering that I come from a predominantly African population.

Moving on…

White men in recent times are increasingly taking advantage of desperate Kenyan women who get into relationships with them. About a year back, there was a case of a Kenyan University student who had been cohabiting with an older White man without the knowledge of her family, dying in the house. Apparently, her foreign boyfriend had locked her indoors denying her access to her insulin (she was diabetic) if my memory serves me right.

The end result, a young life snuffed out so senselessly.

Njoki Chege on the other hand spoke of yet another young Kenyan woman, whose sexual violation by a White man she got romantically involved with, got filmed and the clip has been doing the rounds on the Kenyan social media scene. About a month back, as I was walking down the streets of Nakuru, I saw a woman of nearly my mother’s age, being groped shamelessly by a White man I assumed was her boyfriend. It was a disgusting sight seeing that in African society we don’t really engage in PDA.

You see, the issue is not with the White men with ill intentions who get into relationships with Kenyan women. The issue lies with us Kenyan women who decide to take our golddigging habits a notch higher by nabbing these wazungus we assume are rich. The issue lies with our refusal to respect ourselves and our bodies therefore leaving ourselves vulnerable to all kinds of ills from these White men, who obviously smell our greed from miles away. Similar with African men, you show them that you are after their pockets and they get back at you by misusing you sexually.

No man whether black or white can immediately resort to treating a woman badly if she appears motivated, focused and sure of herself. Even if some may try to push the buttons a little, the end result will most probably be a shameful telling off from the said woman. But a woman who appears unfocused and willing to do anything just for money, easily falls prey to those kinds of men whose view of women is perverted and out of the ordinary.

Of course there are those wazungus who have refused to let go of the slave mentality, according to Njoki Chege and therefore still view Africans as lesser beings, to be treated like a mound of dirt. However, activists have done a very good job over the years, in restoring the respect of the races that were once considered a minority.

And though their efforts have gone a very long way in changing the mindsets of those stubborn willed individuals reluctant to embrace change, it doesn’t mean that we can now sit pretty and assume that all is well. We have to continually carry on the mantle of activism not by acting cruelly or with contempt, but by showing those wazungus with the slave mentality, that they are the ones who have a lot of changing to do and not us.

Just because you have trouble paying your bills, dropped out of school, got children out of wedlock or lost a husband to hard liquor, does not mean that you should fall for that mzungu’s charms you see frequenting that restaurant you work in as a waitress. It does not mean that you should spend hours at a cyber, searching online for prospective White men, whom you have no way of telling if they are registered sexual offenders back home or not. It does not mean that every pale skin you see translates into wads of dollars likely to get you out of poverty.

It is this desperate and warped sense of mind by a section of Kenyan women, that lands them into hot soup with foreigners, not interested in true love but only a fulfillment of their out of this world sexual fantasies. Not all Mzungus you see visiting our country have ill intentions toward Kenyan women.

But how do we make them view us?

We make them view us as cheap women, lacking in any ounce of dignity, willing to go as far as engaging in beastiality acts, just to make some money for ourselves. To live the good (but miserable) life. We show them that we do not even appreciate the color of our skin, by lightening ourselves so that the Mzungu can love us more.

These foreigners are not fools. They smell insecurity, a willingness to prostitute, desperation and greed in us and they chuckle to themselves while they walk hand in hand down the street with you, once in a while groping your ass in public or planting a wet kiss on your lips. Things I’m 100% sure they would not do with a woman who carried herself with dignity or with their fellow white women.

I have seen Kenyan women get married to sober minded White men, who treat them respectfully and lovingly and all because the initial motivation behind their relationship, was not all about money and the perks of being associated with a Mzungu. Kenyan women need to learn that in order to get true love, you have to carry yourself as a woman deserving of true love and not a cheapskate. And as brash as Njoki sounds in this article, she speaks the hard truth.

To All The Women Who Lacked Earthly Father Figures…

So it’s Father’s Day today, Happy Father’s Day to all the men who have actually been real fathers to their sons and daughters. Notice I use the term “real fathers” because a lot of men are simply fathers and not real.

I actually played this game in the image with my own dad. I must have been 6 or 7 then but I relished stepping on his feet and have him walk forward while I seemed to be moving backwards, as evidenced by my squeals of delight. My dad happened to be in my life for a total of 12 years from the time I was born and that was it. Well, this post is not going to turn out to be a sob story of my life dear readers, so relax.

Anyways, today after quite a while since I last posted on this blog, I decided to speak to all the women who lacked earthly father figures (of course God in heaven is also our father no wonder the term I’ve chosen to use), and who are probably wondering what the fuss is all about today. Father’s Day, so what?! Kind of thinking.

Dear woman, whose father was probably an a***hole who left your mum when she was pregnant with you, or who married another woman or picked up a hooker, who squeezed him of all his hard earned cash and made him forget all about his family or who was a tyrant, child molester, an alcoholic or wife beater, you need not feel inadequate on this day.

There is a saying which goes something like “it’s easy becoming a father but way harder being a dad” which in essence is very true. Of course there is nothing very complicated about the whole aspect of sperm meeting an ovum in an act of unprotected sex between two consenting adults. However, the complications always come in when the man suddenly refuses to shoulder his responsibility or denies his child that the woman is carrying in her womb.

It so happens that a father is actually the first darling in his daughter’s life. When she comes of age, she will subconsciously gauge all the men she meets and dates according to how her father’s make up was. Sadly or normally, most fathers and especially in African society, are not usually the mushy types who will spend all their time dotting on their daughters, calling them princesses, giving them hugs and mouthing the words “I love you”.

And though times have changed, African fathers were known to express their love to their children by providing them with food, shelter, clothing and a decent education. As a girl child, you automatically knew that your father loved you if he went out of his way to sell a piece of land just to get you enrolled into campus. And if he walked you down the aisle on your wedding day as is required. Indeed, a sizable number of African women can attest to the fact that they never got a chance to be that close to their fathers, as much as they were close to their mothers.

Yet another sizable number of women from all races are battling daddy issues from fathers who failed horribly at being real dads. It is actually embarrassing admitting to suffering from daddy issues. Society views you as fragile, vulnerable sometimes even silly. You are supposed to suck it up and be strong. After all, everyone has their own problems to deal with and no time to pay attention to a grown ass woman, who can’t keep a man in her life because she expects him to love her, the same way a father is supposed to love a daughter.

Society dictates how we should be or act, like it or not. Society can be harsh and judgmental. Society is actually made up of you and me who secretly view ourselves as being superior and others as being inferior. Don’t expect me to sugarcoat anything here.

So dear woman who lacked an earthly father figure, forget about what this man has put you and your family through and focus on yourself. Do not in any way feel as if you need a man in your life for validation. Do not allow yourself to sink into the desperation pit of searching for a person of the opposite sex, who will hopefully fill that fatherly void. Chances are you will only stumble upon jerks out to take advantage of the fact that you seem unsure of yourself. No other man who is not your biological father, can successfully fill a fatherly void of an absentee dad. Except a step father who has the integrity to truly treat you as his own daughter, flesh and blood. Or a loving uncle or male guardian with no ulterior motive.

Accept that the reason your real dad left was because he was unworthy of you. And that a man who walks out on his own son or daughter is not worth the pain or the tears or your desperate attempts to try and get him to acknowledge you if he doesn’t want to. A man who subjects his own family to untold pain and suffering is not worth having that family by his side. He is not supposed to influence his daughter’s sex life just because he was a pervert who could not tell the difference between his daughter and wife. As a matter of fact, such a man of the latter kind deserves to remain behind bars for the rest of his life.

You are a strong woman, beautifully and wonderfully made and with brains to top it all. You deserve nothing but the best. You deserve to make rational decisions in your life. And so on this day, when the world celebrates the fathers, with a smile and heartfelt wish, turn to any man you know has proven to be a real dad and wish him a Happy Father’s Day 🙂 🙂 🙂

Women, stop assaulting men.

A very recent survey in my country, came up with the following results that 1 in 10 Kenyan men have either been physically or sexually assaulted by the women in their lives be it girlfriends or wives. It’s very interesting that i wanted to blog about this earlier today before checking the day’s Standard Newspaper which coincidentally carries a main feature concerning violence against men when i finally checked. And while i’m an advocate for women’s rights, i don’t at all agree with women assaulting men. In fact, i find it stupid no matter what the man has done or not done to warrant the discipline.

And by the way, this photo is of a real person who was attacked by his wife in Kenya some years back so you can imagine the kind of violence going on in homes.

I believe that i have said it here before that any man who brings out the worst in a woman is a complete NO-NO. Why women stay with men who turn them into ugly beasts in character remains a mystery to me. If you are the sole provider in the home with a man purporting to be your husband who drinks from before day break to sunset, pees on himself in his drunken stupor, demands for sex while as high as a kite and wouldn’t get nor keep a job, then you have no business staying with that man.

Take your kids and go even though many African communities hold the notion that the children belong to the father. Take your children with you because you do not want your no good, so called husband to infect them with his irresponsibility. Take them because you provide for them and do not trust that this man will change and become a provider once you have left. Take them with you because you want to protect them from molestation, God forbid or neglect.

We hear it in the news all the time. A woman who left her kids behind after a marriage gone sour only to have the man molest his own daughter or daughters or worst case scenario, molest his son or sons as a form of revenge for the woman leaving. I see no need for a woman to stay with such a kind of man only to begin battering him because of the pent up anger and bitterness he has caused her.

Forget about society for once women and what it considers ideal and save yourself from turning into a raging beast, who wouldn’t hesitate to pick up a panga (machete) and slash this man’s face the same way you would slash grass.

One of the experts in today’s paper has spoken of women becoming more violent in recent years. One of the victims of domestic violence featured speaks of a once wonderful Christian woman who turned into an animal once they got married.

Dear men, there is something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder which i have spent quite a considerable amount of time reading about for personal reasons. What happens with a person suffering from NPD is that this person will create a false endearing image to outsiders but in the real sense behind closed doors and once in a comfortable place with their intended victim, she or he happens to be emotionally abusive, vindictive, verbally, sexually or physically abusive, manipulative, possessive and controlling.

When dating a person with NPD, you will feel as if you are the luckiest person in the world for having them because they are fun to be around. They will treat you like a prince and act so wonderfully around you. That is not them. That is a created image for purposes of hiding things they consider flaws in them. Anyone who has dealt with NPD knows that these people are very self critical and hateful of themselves and these same things are what they will begin projecting to their victims once in a marriage with them.

I do not believe in a woman changing for the worst after marriage. Do a background check plus some reasonable amount of reading on NPD and you will realize that these men or women were actually wolves in sheep clothing just waiting for the right moment to switch personalities. For the men who have had to endure such kinds of spouses or girlfriends, i truly empathize. And yes, i’m a woman and i do agree that there are abusive women out there.

Women walking around with personality disorders which they themselves do not know they are suffering from. Changing personality disorders in a person is hardly successful due to the fact that most who are afflicted have a huge difficulty actually admitting to having such. The only solution for a man in such a situation if it can’t be fixed is to leave the minute you notice a sudden drastic change in character because with NPD, it will be a lifetime trouble for you.

And not only NPD. Other disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorders as well as Bi polar disorders where the person may exhibit violent tendencies too and may not be in a position to control these extremeties.

A woman who feels the need to attack a man because she is aggrieved is actually a coward. I say this with a lot of confidence because i have heard of very disastrous results from  cowardly women who decided to attack men they felt had aggrieved them or  women they suspected of fooling around with their man.

My aunt works in a hospital. One evening just before close of business hours, a young woman was brought in scalded by hot water by some woman who had mistaken her for her husband’s mistress. This girl was in pain and injured just because this cowardly, paranoid woman had found her visiting her husband’s sister and had assumed since she was the only outsider apart from her husband and his sister in the house, then she must be messing around with her man.

Pretending to want to cook rice, the woman boiled hot water on the stove in the same house and suddenly poured it on the visitor. Someone else’s daughter who had just arrived in the town for her internship and was totally innocent. How crazy can one get?! That incident had highly irritated my aunt and her co-workers.

I say this yet again, women, any man who makes you feel terrible, paranoid or insecure is no good for you. Do not resort to violence with such a kind of man. Hold your head up high and leave him for good.

I feel like women are stooping too low if they continue engaging in such horrendous acts when they had an option to walk out. In such a war, you can never win because the man will continue being the man he is and you will continue worsening in your newly acquired beast like tendencies, only to find yourself unfortunately behind bars for domestic violence related crime.

Speaking against sexual violation of women.

Sex is a beautiful act: sweet and memorable.

However, the beauty of sex is at certain times trashed in the event of rape or forced sex amongst couples or people who know each other.

A section of the opposite gender, seem to have a huge problem understanding why a woman they took out on a first date, bought her drinks, got her drunk, took her up to their room and had sex with her in her drunk state, may feel offended or even sexually violated the morning after. They may even accuse her of acting childish yet she is a grown up who had full knowledge that in the setting they were in, the previous night, sex was inevitable. Another smaller section believes that when a woman shows up at your doorstep visiting, you just have to get into her panties whether she wants it or not. Apparently, after you start the deed, she will automatically enjoy it and will only be seeming to say NO because she doesn’t want to seem too eager. After all, women have been trained not to act too eager in the event of sex. Those men who still believe that when a woman says NO she actually means a YES. And you might think that in modern times this notion amongst some men has finally disappeared. Forgive me for bursting your bubble but sadly, from the look of some unfortunate situations, it hasn’t quite faded into oblivion.

I was reading a certain article recently concerning the New Delhi rapists who assaulted gravely and raped a 23 year old woman before throwing her out of a moving bus. For those who kept up with the story, they know how the deed sparked outrage and demonstrations in India condemning sexual violence against women. However, when one of the rapists was recently interviewed by a certain journalist, he seemed to express no remorse at all and actually claimed that had the victim not fought back, then she could still be alive by now or something of the sort. How sick can that get?

Back home, the media has been awash in the past couple of days, with the story of a parliamentarian who is alleged to have raped a 29 year old married woman who had the intention of doing business with him. Now i did not want to talk about that incident too soon on my blog, because of the conflicting reports with people now starting to choose sides. Others believed that the married woman was at fault for hanging out with a man, who by the way happens to be her husband’s friend, at 10 in the night. Yet others believed the rape claims leveled against the said parliamentarian. Well, the DNA tests were taken and the results came out positive and frankly, i still don’t know what to make of that story until the final verdict, as the case is still ongoing in our local courts.

Many times we have also joked with our girlfriends about incidents where certain men took us out on first dates with the intention of getting kinky as the night progressed, and how we came up with all sorts of crazy excuses to get out of the situation. One spoke of how she had to feign stomach ulcer pain to the extent of vomiting so that she could be dropped back home safely after a night out with some men friends. Another feigned a diarrhea bout. Others had to come up with imaginary dates so that the man would remain eager, as you managed to escape this time round from having to sleep with him and probably for good.

A sister of one of my roommates when i resided in the hostel, was unfortunate to escape with cuts on her fingers after a man she and her friends decided to hang out with, got violent when they couldn’t have sex with him and started throwing beer bottles at them in his house. As if to add salt to injury, he threw them out of the house past 1 am leaving them to their own devices and they ended up spending a night in a hotel lobby where the receptionist was gracious enough to allow them. The reason for all these gimmicks is usually the fact that some small section of men believe that women have to pay for the dates and good times with their bodies. And we have therefore resorted to arming ourselves with extra cab money while going out on dates with people we don’t really trust their intentions with us, in case things get ugly.

I am all for the `carrying extra money’ idea as a way of trying to protect ourselves. But as a woman, at times i find myself concluding that we could avoid those dates altogether where we feel like the man wants something we can’t give from us. I’m sure some women have not been that lucky to get off easily and ended up feeling dirty and violated afterward because of the deed. The sad reality is that many fail to report these unfortunate incidences because they firmly believe that they are at fault for going out with this man or for actually taking themselves to his house. According to them, nobody took them there forcefully and therefore it would be hard to prove anything nor to get anyone to believe their claims. I don’t blame them whatsoever in feeling that way. I actually empathize with their predicament.

However, let me make it clear to all and sundry that forced sex is equivalent to rape. Just the fact that one of the parties wasn’t willing qualifies it to be rape. It doesn’t matter whether you took yourself to his house or to his car willingly or not. A man who forces himself on a woman without her consent is actually a chauvinist who has misplaced notions of sex and downright malicious. He is lacking in any ounce of morality and probably battles self esteem issues and therefore deserves to be punished for his deeds and i really wish that was very possible in situations such as these where the women feel at fault. It is high time we called a spade a spade and not a big spoon and outlined clearly what is equivalent to sexual violation of women. It is so sad that when women get raped some people take it upon themselves to point fingers at how they were dressed and where they were walking at the time of the incident or in whose company they were in as a justification for the rape. Instead of empathizing with these women, society sometimes castigates them and further wounds them.

It is for this reason that i at times feel that if women are in a position to protect themselves in certain situations, then they should. Women are equipped with strong instincts and i thank our heavenly father greatly for that. It is that same instinct that warns us beforehand of a man’s ill intentions when he is asking us to meet him somewhere or to go somewhere with him. It doesn’t matter how much acquainted with that man we are. If we feel it within that something is not right, then we better forgo the date or whatever plans we had planned with him. It is better to be the dull girl who misses out on all the fun than the girl who readily agrees on a weekend out of town with some obviously `sex hungry’ man, only to have him force himself on her. Any man who feels the need to be paid for drinks, food and excursions or trips out of town with a woman’s body is only a perverted misogynist.

It is high time that everyone understood that rape is never the victim’s fault and neither is forced sex. It is also high time that women understood that there are indeed men out there, who respect women and would never force themselves on a woman even when in privacy with her and not the misplaced notion that all men are after sex. It is only then that they will have enough confidence to call forced sex what exactly it is and not to feel like they deserved it.