domestic violence

The African Pressure For Grandchildren

Slightly over a month back, 27 year old Kenyan woman Jackline Mwende suffered the brutality of domestic violence when her husband of 7 years, Stephen Ngila chopped off her hands after a gruesome machete attack in their home. Reason behind the attack; In their marriage period, Mwende had not borne him any children.

However, the story takes a turn for the worse when it came to light that the root cause behind the couple not having any children was in fact due to Ngila’s infertility. This had been previously proven at a clinical facility. But being an African man sadly with the chauvinistic thinking that men cannot fail to produce offspring, Ngila went ahead and attacked his wife. Slashing her across the face and back then chopping off both of her hands.

Jackline Mwende on the left with injuries after the attack and her husband, Ngila on the right after arrest by the Police. Image courtesy of nairobinews.co.ke

Jackline Mwende ( left) with injuries after the attack and her husband, Ngila (right) after arrest by the Police. Image courtesy of nairobinews.co.ke

It was a tale that left a sour taste in the mouth and got men and women alike outraged and speaking up against it. Women leaders  visited Mwende in her father’s home where she was recuperating and later, in hospital where companies pledged to come to her aid with prosthetic limbs and a decent monthly stipend.

Mwende may have gotten a great deal of help after her ordeal but her limbs are not going to be the same again. The scars she now bears will often be a cruel reminder to her, how brutal domestic violence and patriarchy can often times turn out to be.

But was the pressure to bear children only coming from her husband Ngila? I can’t help but ask.

With all due respect to both families involved in the aforementioned , I will choose not to use them as a reference point for my argument. However, I will choose to look at the African societal set up instead.

In Africa, children have often been associated with being a source of wealth. Indeed parents who bore many children in the olden times needed not worry for it was assumed that they would have helpers in old age. We may have moved from the olden, primitive times but Africans still hold on to the notion that children are especially important in a marriage to complete the family unit.

It is not entirely uncommon to find African women who have faced enough castigation from in-laws simply for the sole reason that they had not borne their son a child/children. Many African families equally value the boy child and an African woman in such a familial set up would give birth to as many as 6 or 7 or 8 children just looking for a boy.

The fear often being that if she does not bear her husband a boy child, then he will definitely go in search of another woman to marry who can give him boys. These things are happening up to date in African society. I reside in Nairobi myself, the hub of East Africa, a capital city and I still encounter stories of real life educated people, who are actively seeking to conceive boy children as if the girl children they have are not human enough.

The pressure from the parents of the husband and sometimes, from those of the wife not doing much to help matters. The idea behind this usually being that the grandparents yearn to see their grandchildren which they consider a blessing to live up to the point of seeing children of your children.

Often times, these aged parents may not see how much their demands may be affecting a couple trying unsuccessfully to conceive. I mean, why do you think rogue pastors in African society are raking in big bucks just from offering false hope to childless couples? It is this pressure for grandchildren sometimes leading to sarcastic remarks from in laws directed many times to the woman and the husband being urged to get a fertile wife to bear him children.

There are many African women who have been cast aside by their husbands because the family had no children. In Africa, unlike the West, you cannot just decide not to have children as a woman. Society expects you to have children by a certain age. As a woman fast approaching my late twenties, I nowadays frequently encounter individuals who assume I’m already a mother. Not that it bothers me. As a matter of fact, I chuckle at their assumptions for I identify it as an African thing.

A wedding photo. Image courtesy of www.brides.com

A wedding photo. Image courtesy of http://www.brides.com

However, the tragedy behind this pressure for children/grandchildren is that African women get blamed for there not being the existence of offspring. Africans do not believe that a man can be infertile even if medical tests prove so. There’s this often stupid belief that African men are fertile, studs in bed. If there are no children, then it definitely has to be the woman. She has to be blamed. She has to be punished for it. She deserves to be added another wife who will bear children.

It is a backward belief. A chauvinistic kind of thinking that makes many African men shy away from infertility treatment. They just don’t want to face and admit the fact that the problem can be both ways and that there is nothing wrong with that. Treatment of either party addressing the underlying issue can solve this. They instead choose to ride on the wave of a false belief of an African man being powerful enough sexually to produce children.

So you can already tell how much mental torture an African woman goes through if she does not get children within an expected period in marriage. The husband may even justify the domestic violence with the fact that “Mwanamke amekataa kunizalia” (A woman has refused to bear me children). As if a normal functioning woman with motherly instincts may just make an intentional decision to irk her husband by not getting any children.

As a modern woman who has become exposed to other societal views, I think that the decision to have children by a couple should be theirs alone. I also urge African men to open their minds to the world of medicine. Infertility can be both ways. There is no shame in it. There is medical help for it. Bearing children is not only a woman’s thing. When two people come together with the intention of conceiving, it is a joint decision. The child will bear both of their DNAs.

How ironic that African children are considered to belong to the father yet when it comes to matters conceiving and family planning, it is the woman who is often blamed or tasked with that? Food for thought, per se.

 

Are You Involved With A Sexual Abuser?

Now that there are so many cases of domestic violence being reported on a daily basis, I decided to touch on a rather sensitive subject. That of sexual abuse in relationships and marriages. And while a section of people hotly contest that there is no such thing as sexual abuse particularly in marriages, I tend to disagree. If it makes you feel degraded, humiliated and a nobody then it is definitely sexual abuse whether in a marital or non-marital union.

nomore.org

One of the websites I visited http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html, clearly outlines the many forms of sexual abuse in a relationship. Some of them were surprisingly familiar to me as things I have heard of in the past and never thought of them as that serious.

The website categorically states that one of the earliest warnings of sexual abuse is excessive jealousy and derogatory attitude toward women generally. There are cultures which actually participate in instilling a derogatory attitude toward women in men. This greatly influences negatively, the sex attitudes that the men have. In such societies, women are hardly accorded the respect they deserve. Women are treated as beings incapable of making decisions for themselves including decisions concerning their own bodies. Women are relegated to the roles of giving birth, taking care of children, running the home and satisfying the husband’s needs.

Women are only to be seen and not heard. If she speaks up, then she deserves to be silenced and often harshly. Women in such societies will watch in dismay, while their husbands marry other wives and bring them to the same compound automatically expecting all the women to live in harmony. In such societies, women have been socialized to suppress any negative emotions they might experience but only comply silently to what is the norm. Sadly, a woman in such a situation may not even realize it when she is being sexually abused in a marriage.

The author goes further to expound that sexual abusers will force you into sexual acts you are not comfortable in or that leave you feeling disgusted. I read in horror quit recently, about a Kenyan woman whose husband assaulted her physically in the home, then proceeded to rape her in front of her children and househelp. All those people contesting that there is no such thing as marital rape better open their eyes to this.

Yet another woman, in a certain talk show I watched, talked about a husband who would purchase stripper attire for her so that she could entertain him sexually in them. She had never been comfortable with it yet had to do it because her husband forced her to. Sex and sexual acts I believe have to be consensual. If one party is unwilling to go along with it or feels degraded doing it then there is no other word to describe it other than sexual abuse.

Some sexual abusers want us to cover up in public, others want us to wear provocative or sexy clothing so that they can show off their conquests to other men is yet another point I found quite important in the same article I was poring over. We sometimes take it lightly when a man we have just started seeing immediately embarks on dictating our style. Quite a number of women can confess to a point in their lives where they were dating someone, who kept on insisting that they needed to dress in a certain way. Others have been encouraged to show more skin and curves even though some may not be comfortable portraying themselves in such a manner.

There is nothing to be dismissed about a control freak. If he did not like the manner in which you dressed, he should not have shown an interest to date you in the first place. We meet and fall in love with people who are compatible to us therefore comfortable with how we are as individuals. Someone who requires you to change drastically was never your compatible in the first place. Women should be highly cautious of men who want them to be something they are not.

They will ask us about our previous sexual partners and encounters then call us sluts or throw sexual indiscretions back at us as proof of our being sluts. Another outlined red flag.

I once did a post http://www.definitelylorna.wordpress.com/ladies-there-is-absolutely-nothing-wrong-with-having-a-chequered-relationship-history where I talked at length about men who want to know about a woman’s sexual past. Again, culture contributes greatly to this chauvinistic view in men. In some societies, men are allowed to pursue sexual conquests all in a bid to prove themselves as being more manly. Women are expected to be pure.

In changing times, we have single mothers raising their children singlehandedly because of one reason or another. We have women who have delayed in getting married. So if all men were to employ this attitude of questioning a woman’s sexual past then using it to judge her present, we will have so many women walking around with dented self images.

I’m not an advocate of promiscuity, far from it! But a man who is keen on finding out about a woman’s sexual past only to use it to degrade her, has no business being with that woman in the first place. Last time I checked, we didn’t ask men about their sexual past which they hardly discuss.

Controlling our body for his sexual gratification. An example is given of a man who will not allow you to breastfeed your child because your breasts will sag therefore be undesirable to him. I once heard of a case where a woman had visited a hospital because one of her breasts was ailing. The reason, as a breastfeeding mum, her husband had forbade her from breastfeeding the child with one breast exclusively reserved for him. We laughed it off then, dismissing it as people who were not exposed little did we know that it is only an abuser who would do that to his wife.

Sexual abusers will be unfaithful on purpose. Always cheating on you with different women therefore, exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases and the HIV virus. Your feelings won’t matter to them and they may accuse you of pushing them to do it with your so called “inadequacies”. Abusers often times employ the reverse psychology to deflect blame from them. The end result is a victim who cannot trust her own judgment and intuition. Worst case scenario is when he infects you with something and won’t take responsibility for it.

Yet other signs of sexual abuse according to the website that I decided to summarize in one paragraph, was the abuser refusing to take responsibility for birth control. He may refuse to wear a condom or remove it during intercourse because it supposedly irritates him or hinders his enjoyment. If you ended up pregnant, he would then proceed to accuse you of purposely getting pregnant to trap him then demand/ force you to procure an abortion. If you are lucky enough to get to keep the pregnancy, he will show no respect for you while pregnant by tearing your bodily changes apart, calling you fat and avoiding any forms of affection and intimacy toward you during that stage.

Indeed many women have found themselves in this dilemma. Contraceptive use should not only be a woman’s affair. If he doesn’t want to be a father yet, then he should equally participate in ensuring that you don’t also end up a mother. Women have suffered crude forms of rejection for the sole crime of getting pregnant. Take the above paragraph as a warning sign to quickly break it off with such a character.

Withholding sex and affection. Beware of men who will withhold sex and affection to supposedly punish you for some wrong or men who always want to be in control of the timing of sex. Such men will dismiss a woman for being slutty or hypersexualized if at all she happens to at times be the first to initiate intercourse. They may even feign lack of interest then, just to humiliate her further as in their view, it should only be on their own terms. Sex should not be equated to a negotiating tool and more so, by a person claiming to love you or who is married to you.

Fondling us in public places in the presence of our friends and family. Sexual abusers thrive on degrading their victims. They may continually touch us in ways we do not like despite us voicing our dislike. They may see no need to hide their overly casual view of you and subconsciously display to others just how much they are lacking in respect for you. You are not a sex toy. Therefore, any man who wants to grope and fondle you in full view of the public and people who are important to you, is not only displaying sheer arrogance but communicating his abuser tendencies to you and the rest.

No man in his right mind who truly loved and respected a woman would touch her inappropriately in full view of others. I think this is where many of us go wrong. We equate being groped and fondled in public as too much admiration for our bodies, that your man cannot help himself. As a matter of fact, he can! He only sees no need to because he does not value you as much as you value him.

Taking intimate photos and films. Before you decide to agree to filming an intimate moment with your man, you need to ask yourself these questions, “Is it necessary?”, “Do I want this on film?”, “What are the implications of doing this?” 

We tend to engage in these seemingly harmless activities, only to have our nude photos splashed all over the internet by a jilted lover or our sex tapes leaked online. Quite recently, there was a video of a Kenyan lady being violated sexually by a man she thought was her boyfriend. I never got to watch the video but I learnt that more than one man was involved.

Any man who asks you to take pictures in the nude and send them to him very early on in the relationship should be avoided at all costs. So is the man who insists on filming every intimate session you have together. If you are not comfortable with it, please do not go along with it. Many sly abusers will coerce you into doing something you do not want to, with claims of everyone doing it nowadays and declarations that if you don’t, they will leave.

You are not a pornstar. Therefore, do not give anyone the mandate to treat you as one just because you are scared he might leave you if you do not comply. It is your dignity that matters and trust me, once you jeopardize that dignity, it will be hard to regain it. The abuser does not care about the consequences. He is only getting a high from it.

 

It should be noted however, that abusers are people in need of help, but only if they recognize that they have a problem themselves and are willing to get help for it. It is not a mandate for the victims of abusers to try and help the abuser change. If you are experiencing abuse, run before it is too late.

Heavily sourced from www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html. Additional text from the author of definitelylorna.wordpress.com

Women Have A Right Not To Be Battered

Anti domestic violence poster, Tanzania. Photo courtesy of http://www.spraguephoto.com

Translation: Abuse of women is outdated! Women have a right not to be battered!

Is it only me or there is a sudden increase of women coming out on social media off late, as unfortunate victims of domestic violence? The latest, being one I saw today upon logging in to my Facebook account.

I’m not yet married. Have never experienced any kind of violence before, thank God, in any of my relationships. So I can’t quite confidently state that, I understand the full magnitude of a battered woman’s feelings.

However, I can confidently state that I’m not an advocate for domestic violence against women. I’m not one who will advocate for a boyfriend to beat up a girlfriend. I’m not one who is going to agree to whatever warped ideas that society and culture have adopted concerning the battery of women. Nobody can convince me whatsoever that women need to be disciplined battered from time to time. But despite my strong feelings towards this phenomenon, women continue to be victims of domestic violence on a daily basis.

The worst bit is that society has since socialized itself to accept this as a normal occurrence. If a woman decides to come out and speak up against the abuse she is enduring at the hands of her husband or boyfriend, a section of people are still going to judge her secretly or openly even! If the man in question is wealthy, some are going to put blame on her for wanting to marry rich or date rich, therefore being deserving of the mistreatment.

A couple of women too, (do not be surprised) are going to think that she’s just airing dirty linen in public for nothing and that it’s probably her fault for making a wrong choice with this man in the first place. Far from it! Nobody going through domestic violence should be branded a coward or poor at making decisions on whom to marry or date.

Some of these ugly traits in a spouse or partner rear their heads once the relationship has fully progressed. By then the victim is in too deep that the thought of walking out, elicits all forms of questions that are too hard to answer for this person. Perhaps there are children involved and the perpetrator fully provides for his children. Perhaps this woman went against her parents’ wishes when marrying this man. Perhaps she’s jobless and therefore financially unstable. You cannot therefore point fingers at this woman for being cowardly in such a situation.

Being from Africa, I have full knowledge that tradition plays a huge role in contributing to the normalization of the battery of women. There is a joke in my country, that goes something in the lines of, “In a certain community, when a woman stays for like a year, without her husband raising a hand to beat the crap out of her, then she gets highly dissatisfied because she interprets that to mean that he does not love her.”

This is actually a sick joke in its entirety. It is indeed retrogressive to equate love to battery because someone who truly loves you cannot raise a hand to you no matter the disagreement. It is a joke intended to give the men the go ahead to clobber women, with a justification of them loving those women. It is a joke intended to make women feel the need to be battered as a form of being given attention.

Whether it is a joke or a half truth for that matter, there are many societies that actually have no issue with domestic violence against women. Societies which interpret submission to a husband, as a wife cowering in fear while a husband barks orders at her or rains blows on her head. When women get to that point where they are empowered enough to speak up against mistreatment in the home, they are then branded in-disciplined. I then wonder who gave such kinds of men the mandate to discipline grown women as if their own parents never did that in the first place.

When young boys grow up in homes where their fathers constantly beat up their mothers, they are socialized to see it as normal. Some of them may share in the pain of their mothers and vow never to raise a hand to a woman in their lifetimes, but many internalize it as an act of manliness. Many find it necessary to emulate their fathers since according to them, it brought order to the home. Such men grow up lacking in any ounce of respect for women, because they made a conscious decision to follow in the footsteps of their fathers, who can be forgiven for being backward and for conforming to retrogressive, cultural thinking of their era.

Once a man sees domestic violence against a woman as a non-issue, then it eventually morphs into a psychological problem, unbeknownst to him. It will get to a point where no dispute in the home can be handled without getting physical. If the woman is unlucky enough to take it the first time it happens, then it will happen again and again.

Those people who view women coming out to speak up against the domestic violence they are enduring as lame, should know that they are equally advocating for the manifestation of deep psychological issues from the perpetrator. Nobody in his right mind can beat the mother of his child/children to a pulp. It is actually not a normal occurrence to constantly exhibit violent tendencies. It is something that needs to be checked by a psychologist forget what culture, tradition and society may state.

Women in physically abusive relationships need to be supported. They do not need castigation or laughter, God forbid. They need our help, those of us in better places, in order to feel courageous enough to get out of a violent relationship or liaison. They need to know that they have that strength within to start all over again, no matter how broken they might feel. More so, they need our love. A love that is not with hidden agenda or laced with connotations of suppression.

Let’s put an end to domestic violence against women.

 

 

Young Women Need To Change Their Mentality First In Order To Succeed.

So everything is now back to normal, I presume, after a weekend’s visit to our country, from the President of the United States, Barack Obama.

I particularly liked something he said concerning women yesterday, when he addressed the nation from the Safaricom Indoor Arena. He cautioned us against treating women as second class citizens. Something that many feminists are very familiar with in their common quest for gender equality. He further mentioned that when you educate a woman, then her offspring will surely be educated.

It was indeed very refreshing to hear someone speak so passionately about the need for women to be respected and protected from FGM, early marriages, Sexual Assault as well as Domestic Violence. These are injustices that happen on nearly a daily basis in several parts of the world. I have read chilling stories of women from the DRC who have had to endure continuous gang rape from soldiers.

One particular story stood out for me, of a Female Activist from the same country, who got gang raped as a result of her Activism. She is currently in one of the refugee camps in our country. It was heartbreaking to read about the kind of horrors that women from war torn countries have to endure.And especially women trying to advocate for change.

Indeed, I felt very lucky to be a Kenyan and from a country that has endured relative peace since Independence. And as much as ethnic clashes happen in certain parts of our country, as well as the 2007 post-election violence, majority of the women in Kenya have been safe.

I believe that the President of the United States had a very strong point in suggesting that the rights of women should be respected. He seemed particularly impressed by the young women in our country, with an entrepreneurial spirit as well as a zeal to champion for women’s rights. As a father to daughters himself and the president of a Superpower, he indeed understands perfectly the contribution of all genders to a society.

However, I think that the young women of this generation in our country, need to first change their mentality in order to be successful. When compared to other nations in the world where oppression of women is rampant, it is evident that Kenya is way ahead on matters gender equality.

Nowadays, literally every home in Kenya would love to have educated daughters. Educating daughters in more recent times has stopped being seen as a waste of time. And educated women in our country, have gone ahead to do amazing things as evidenced by the likes of, Nobel Peace Laureate Wangari Maathai, The Honorable Phoebe Asiyo and the first Kenyan woman judge, Lady Justice Effie Owuor among many others.

With changing times though and an over emphasis on vanity at the expense of intellect, an ever increasing number of young women, is no longer interested in being recognized for their extraordinary strides and contributions they have made to the society. This phenomenon is worsened further by the emergence of the socialite trend as well as the excessive glorification of celebrities.

Young women of this generation, whether educated or not, have been led to firmly believe that with the right looks and physique, then instant success will land at their doorsteps. Focusing on a specific area of specialization in their quest for success is dismissed as drab and uninspiring. This outlook has become deeply entrenched in the young women of today, that they do not imagine themselves taking up a venture that is considered for the “lower, uneducated class”.

It is evident in our country at the moment, that unemployment levels are particularly high. Most of the lecturers who taught me a couple of units in Campus, would occasionally encourage us not to anticipate for employment as soon as we graduated. Each one of us is gifted in certain areas and according to one Myles Monroe, we go to school to perfect our giftings. Our lecturers’ point was to utilize our giftings as well as the knowledge we have since acquired in school, to be able to gainfully employ ourselves.

But who wants to work so hard at self employment, when a sexy body, further perfected at the gym, numerous invitations to social events, a rich boyfriend as well as a horde of selfies on social media, can make you the money you would like to have. The society of recent years, teaches young women to exploit their vanity to their maximum benefit. It teaches young women that sitting behind a desk in the corporate world, driving the latest car model and living the good life is all that entails to be accorded the “successful” status.

Many young women have since ceased to exploit their talents. They would rather stay in uninspiring jobs than take up a business venture, that may need them to start low, may be unpredictable financially in the initial stages and may demand a lot of dedication from their part. Most of these successful entrepreneurs we see today started from somewhere. And if you follow up on their stories, they may have started from the lowest point that you could ever imagine. It only took a step of faith and zeal on their part, to be where they are today.

World leaders such as President Barack Obama and the likes, may ramble about the need for young women to be empowered and educated day and night, to no avail if at all the mentality is still the same. If young women are not willing to stop viewing other occupations as those reserved for the classless and uneducated in society. If young women want to take the easy route to success by using their bodies and looks to that effect. And if young women decide to pay attention to what other young women think of them.

As a young woman, I believe that the path to success starts when we are willing to focus on something we know we are good at, no matter how challenging it may seem. When we stop bothering with what society says about women in general. And when we open our minds to other different, possible prospects other than what is being portrayed to us as the trend.

Have a thoughtful week!

Why Do We Compromise Our Standards As Soon As We Fall In Love??

I’m one of those young modern women who has clearly stated time and again that I would not allow a man to hit me whether he’s my boyfriend, fiancé or hubby. I developed a deep dislike once for an immediate neighbor of mine after I happened to hear him beat up his baby mama in the wee hours of the morning. His smiles stopped seeming genuine to me, his cheerful banter sounded like a witch’s chants to me afterward. He noticed my changed attitude and thought it wise to keep off. And I do pray to God that I never have to allow any man to hit me in my future life time, just because all sense in my head flew out the window the minute I fell in love.

What makes love turn once strong women into mushy creatures who can no longer stand up for themselves in the face of unfair treatment? Who are willing to act all desperate and clingy when it is perfectly clear that their subject of interest, is not interested or sadly friend-zoned them along the way. Women who once knew what they truly wanted in a relationship but are suddenly scared to lose a man even if he happens to fall way below the standards they had set.

Why do women worry a lot when it comes to choosing eligible people to date and get married to? Why have we allowed society to place time limits on us so much that we make love and dating decisions according to what society dictates? Who said that a man has to hit you just to make a point? Who said it was wrong for a woman to get out of a relationship or marriage that had since gone sour or that was riddled with violence? Are we supposed to stick to someone who hardly values us all because we fear being castigated by society or being by ourselves?

It is indeed true that being single sucks. But it is much better than sticking to a man who does not have the slightest ounce of respect for you. It turns us into broken women who now begin to believe that they do not deserve better. Who lose all hope of ever finding true love and allow themselves to continue being cloistered in a relationship or marriage that is not working.

Sometimes I think our whole female make up works against us. Women think with their hearts whereas men think with their brains. When a man is getting into a relationship with a woman, he knows exactly what he wants from that woman. If she fails to deliver it adequately along the way, he starts to feel dissatisfied and loses interest. If the woman turns out to be the one who uses bedroom matters as a manipulation tactic to have her way, then it will only be a matter of time before the man gets himself a sex partner to fulfill his denied desires. If the woman transforms into the devil incarnate, sooner or later, the man will get a replacement that treats him like the King of an ancient African Kingdom.

If you were to compare the ratio of men sticking to already failed relationships and marriages with women, to women doing the same with men, you will realize that the number of women is usually higher as compared to men. Simply because once women fall in love, they lose themselves in this thing called love. Their identities and standards prior to dating suddenly ebb. Insecurity replaces this. They fear losing this man. They suddenly develop this belief that this one is much better than a non-existent one. They begin to go out of their way to please this man who in the real sense might not be right for them.

If this man is the malicious type, he eventually begins to take them for granted because he knows that she is going nowhere. For women who are about to start pointing fingers at me with claims of changing times and women becoming more assertive, remember a time in your life where you continually held on to a man who was not right for you. When all the advice you got from your well meaning friends to leave him fell on deaf years. When you constantly justified his actions sometimes even with tangible evidence. And for what? Because love had long blinded you to the truth. Because you thought that your love would change this man. That he would finally realize that you truly cared, got his act together and reciprocated your care.

Any woman who has tried changing a man knows perfectly well how much of a daunting task it is. It is natural for men and African men in particular, to want to do things their way. Many interpret a woman’s well meaning efforts to change them as an act of sabotage. They want to go out with their friends to watch football while knowing you need some help with the baby. After all, the African society long did a good job in convincing men that the work of the house and children belong to the woman alone.

We are not asking men to get into a bend over position and mop the house with a rag or sit on the kiti moto and cook chapati over the jiko. We are simply asking for a little bit of help when you have a months old baby, howling her lungs out each time you try to put her down to get supper ready. It wouldn’t hurt if the man decided to forgo an important football match and minded the baby while you fixed supper. But NO, these men want things done their way. He will be gone to watch football, come back and expect a quiet house and the smell of hot deliciously prepared supper.

Again there are those men who are very supportive with their wives. I’m not saying that the whole lot are stubborn creatures. The point I’m trying to drive at is that men love things being done their way. Women on the other hand only love things being done their way when they are single. The minute they meet someone and fall in love, they are willing to bend over backwards to keep this man around never mind that he might not be willing to do the same. And the men have equally done a good job in the past, making women believe that it is utterly wrong for them to have standards and to demand that the men in their lives stick to those standards.

The mere reason that we think with our hearts when it comes to love matters turns us into zombies who lack minds of their own. We suddenly agree to all the stereotypes in place that have a patriarchal underlying tone to them. As a matter of fact, we become experts at turning misplaced stereotypes into facts. I’m not insinuating that women turn all horrible and beastly toward men to prove their point and stick to their standards. I’m asking women to be careful not to lose themselves once they fall in love. Which means to let go of that man who is not fitting in their standards and not to feel scared or insecure because of it.

The Changing Phases Of Dating And Its Implications To A Proudly Feminist

I used to run a different blog in my other life, hehe. And then along the way I got tired of blogging on different subjects and finally settled on this one. However, by running that other blog, I quickly realized that my strongest blogging point is on the topic “relationships”. For those who have been reading this blog faithfully, you probably know by now that there are a couple of posts bordering on the same topic.

Anyways, anyone who has dated before and has broken up a couple of times too with the said boyfriends, might already know that dating has really changed nowadays. It has changed so much, to the extent where if all your agemates seem to be in happy relationships and are rapidly settling down in quick succession, you start wondering whether you are the person signaling the changing phases of dating.

Or in other words, you wonder whether you are truly jinxed for you to keep meeting and dating all kinds of garagarias. You start asking yourself whether those who eventually settle down and the sick lady, decides to chop off the man’s manhood 5 months or 6 months into the marriage, had really gotten their s***t together mentally, when they made that step to live under one roof. Then you come to the conclusion that you are probably safer being unmarried. You don’t want the whole stress baggage that comes with marriage and transforms otherwise “sweet” women into monsters overnight. And so you steer clear of relationships which signal the man might be anticipating for something more like marriage, perhaps. Almost as if accepting your “jinxed” state.

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There was a time when people did not fear relationships. Where people were willing to make sacrifices for one another and to actually share their hearts with another. That time when the man’s worthiness as an eligible bachelor was not gauged by the size of his wallet or how many cars he had packed in his compound or which fancy residential area he resided in. Rather it was gauged by his character and at times, the kind of family he came from. Where love letters spoke deeply to the heart of a woman. Where a simple gesture of holding hands was equivalent to sizzling sex. And where the end result was almost always marriage, when for the first time, these two would eventually try what married couples did and with dizzying results. Where being beaten in marriage was actually a sign of love, believe it or not! These couples always sorted out their marital issues and ended up aging together.

Suddenly, money meant everything to people and the broker you were as a man, the less eligible you were to ambitious women. If your idea of a date was mandazi and chai at a dilapidated shack near where your equally sorry looking room, that you called a home was situated, then the only women you would be dating were househelps straight from the village and not yet corrupted by the city. But these too eventually ended up being bitten by the city bug and suddenly the broke assed men were not that alluring, as compared to their bosses’ husbands who worked well paying jobs and lived in comfortable homes. Who could afford to give them extra money to perm that kinky head, that had never before enjoyed the luxury of a blow dryer back in the village. Or who engaged in some hanky panky with them when the madam was away on one of her many business trips. At least the randy male bosses gave them reason to reply rudely to the madam when she returned or to saunter proudly away from her when she ordered instructed them to do some house chore.

Of course for some time the men had not yet realized the full intention of women to milk them dry for their own benefit. However, these lot are very smart indeed and soon enough, the men knew that all women were interested in, were their pockets and not their attributes or anything else other than money. And as if like payback, the men also decided that they were only interested in certain parts of the women’s anatomy, as a consolation for all the pocket money and finances they were dishing out to these women. But the women were not a lot to be left behind. If that is all the men wanted, in return for capital to run a business venture or a car or a house in a fancy upmarket area, then the women had no qualms giving that in return for something more beneficial to them.

Before we realized it, dating had become very selfish indeed. Before one decided to get into a relationship with someone, one asked himself or herself what was there in it for him or her whether physical or financially. Dating had since ceased being an emotional affair. It was a transaction which required the signing of a contract of sorts. And there came all sorts of types of relationships; ‘Sponsors’, cougar relationships, FWBs, girlfriend for convenience, trophy wife…. If you were lucky to get married, perhaps you only got married because an unplanned pregnancy spoiled things or the man marrying you seemed to be a one way ticket out of poverty for you. Some men literally married into rich homes for that very latter reason, do not be fooled!

And so for a woman to actually dismember her hubby, for something as petty as rent money as justification for such a drastic action, just know that many people nowadays do not marry out of love. That dating transformed a long time ago into more of a transaction between two people. And if either party does not deliver, then the transaction can be terminated in whatever way the aggrieved party deems it fit. Which justifies the FWBs who end up falling in love with the other being left in the cold, the young man who gets lured into a cougar kind of relationship, being thrown out of the house once the woman discovers he is seeing girls his age and husbands and wives killing their spouses or maiming them, for certain forgivable sins committed.

You can’t really hold it against a Proudly Feminist for developing a deep rooted fear of dating and marriage in recent times, can you??

Women, stop assaulting men.

A very recent survey in my country, came up with the following results that 1 in 10 Kenyan men have either been physically or sexually assaulted by the women in their lives be it girlfriends or wives. It’s very interesting that i wanted to blog about this earlier today before checking the day’s Standard Newspaper which coincidentally carries a main feature concerning violence against men when i finally checked. And while i’m an advocate for women’s rights, i don’t at all agree with women assaulting men. In fact, i find it stupid no matter what the man has done or not done to warrant the discipline.

unknownmisandry.blogspot.com

unknownmisandry.blogspot.com

And by the way, this photo is of a real person who was attacked by his wife in Kenya some years back so you can imagine the kind of violence going on in homes.

I believe that i have said it here before that any man who brings out the worst in a woman is a complete NO-NO. Why women stay with men who turn them into ugly beasts in character remains a mystery to me. If you are the sole provider in the home with a man purporting to be your husband who drinks from before day break to sunset, pees on himself in his drunken stupor, demands for sex while as high as a kite and wouldn’t get nor keep a job, then you have no business staying with that man.

Take your kids and go even though many African communities hold the notion that the children belong to the father. Take your children with you because you do not want your no good, so called husband to infect them with his irresponsibility. Take them because you provide for them and do not trust that this man will change and become a provider once you have left. Take them with you because you want to protect them from molestation, God forbid or neglect.

We hear it in the news all the time. A woman who left her kids behind after a marriage gone sour only to have the man molest his own daughter or daughters or worst case scenario, molest his son or sons as a form of revenge for the woman leaving. I see no need for a woman to stay with such a kind of man only to begin battering him because of the pent up anger and bitterness he has caused her.

Forget about society for once women and what it considers ideal and save yourself from turning into a raging beast, who wouldn’t hesitate to pick up a panga (machete) and slash this man’s face the same way you would slash grass.

One of the experts in today’s paper has spoken of women becoming more violent in recent years. One of the victims of domestic violence featured speaks of a once wonderful Christian woman who turned into an animal once they got married.

Dear men, there is something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder which i have spent quite a considerable amount of time reading about for personal reasons. What happens with a person suffering from NPD is that this person will create a false endearing image to outsiders but in the real sense behind closed doors and once in a comfortable place with their intended victim, she or he happens to be emotionally abusive, vindictive, verbally, sexually or physically abusive, manipulative, possessive and controlling.

When dating a person with NPD, you will feel as if you are the luckiest person in the world for having them because they are fun to be around. They will treat you like a prince and act so wonderfully around you. That is not them. That is a created image for purposes of hiding things they consider flaws in them. Anyone who has dealt with NPD knows that these people are very self critical and hateful of themselves and these same things are what they will begin projecting to their victims once in a marriage with them.

I do not believe in a woman changing for the worst after marriage. Do a background check plus some reasonable amount of reading on NPD and you will realize that these men or women were actually wolves in sheep clothing just waiting for the right moment to switch personalities. For the men who have had to endure such kinds of spouses or girlfriends, i truly empathize. And yes, i’m a woman and i do agree that there are abusive women out there.

Women walking around with personality disorders which they themselves do not know they are suffering from. Changing personality disorders in a person is hardly successful due to the fact that most who are afflicted have a huge difficulty actually admitting to having such. The only solution for a man in such a situation if it can’t be fixed is to leave the minute you notice a sudden drastic change in character because with NPD, it will be a lifetime trouble for you.

And not only NPD. Other disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorders as well as Bi polar disorders where the person may exhibit violent tendencies too and may not be in a position to control these extremeties.

A woman who feels the need to attack a man because she is aggrieved is actually a coward. I say this with a lot of confidence because i have heard of very disastrous results from  cowardly women who decided to attack men they felt had aggrieved them or  women they suspected of fooling around with their man.

My aunt works in a hospital. One evening just before close of business hours, a young woman was brought in scalded by hot water by some woman who had mistaken her for her husband’s mistress. This girl was in pain and injured just because this cowardly, paranoid woman had found her visiting her husband’s sister and had assumed since she was the only outsider apart from her husband and his sister in the house, then she must be messing around with her man.

Pretending to want to cook rice, the woman boiled hot water on the stove in the same house and suddenly poured it on the visitor. Someone else’s daughter who had just arrived in the town for her internship and was totally innocent. How crazy can one get?! That incident had highly irritated my aunt and her co-workers.

I say this yet again, women, any man who makes you feel terrible, paranoid or insecure is no good for you. Do not resort to violence with such a kind of man. Hold your head up high and leave him for good.

I feel like women are stooping too low if they continue engaging in such horrendous acts when they had an option to walk out. In such a war, you can never win because the man will continue being the man he is and you will continue worsening in your newly acquired beast like tendencies, only to find yourself unfortunately behind bars for domestic violence related crime.