daddy issues

Why I’m All For Hands On Dads

I’m totally awed by fathers who are completely involved in the upbringing of their own children. Seeing a father gently carrying his infant son or daughter always seems to blow me away. It just goes a long way to prove to me that there is indeed that very gentle, protective side to what is expected to be a manly, tough exterior in the male gender.

In times when quite a number of fathers have a reputation of being absentee dads, the few remaining out there who still burn the candle of proper fatherhood, only serve to maintain that all is not lost.

There is a lot that comes with fatherhood. The actual decision to father children is indeed a crucial one that needs some level of maturity in the male. Being a father is not only having little carbon copies of yourself running around in the house but rather, being aware of the developments and milestones in your children’s lives, in addition to having them in the first place.

They say a father is the first man that a little girl looks up to and that whatever standards he sets in his parenting style, is what she will subconsciously use to gauge all potential dating partners in her life in future. Indeed, quite a number of women have ended up getting hitched to men, who came across as quite alike to their own dads.

According to an article on http://www.huffingtonpost.com titled The Important Role Of Dad and dated June 12th 2014:

Girls will look for men who hold the patterns of good old dad, for after all, they know how “to do that.” Therefore, if father was kind, loving, and gentle, they will reach for those characteristics in men. Girls will look for, in others, what they have experienced and become familiar with in childhood. Because they’ve gotten used to those familial and historic behavioral patterns, they think that they can handle them in relationships.

But what is a father’s role in a son’s life?

The same article goes on to state;

Boys on the other hand, will model themselves after their fathers. They will look for their father’s approval in everything they do, and copy those behaviors that they recognize as both successful and familiar. Thus, if dad was abusive, controlling, and dominating, those will be the patterns that their sons will imitate and emulate. However, if father is loving, kind, supportive, and protective, boys will want to be that.

However, the above does not completely justify the choice of a young man becoming a wife beater just because his own father was one. Neither does it completely justify a woman ending up with an alcoholic as a hubby just because her father was one. I’m of the school of thought that, being equipped with what we know are wrong as well as good patterns of behavior as adults, then we can decide to make a personal choice, to deviate from what is considered the norm yet detrimental.

Still it is not an easy feat per se, as sometimes human beings act subconsciously. Indeed the article further explains;

Human beings are social animals and we learn by modeling behavior.Those early patterns of interaction are all children know, and it is those patterns that effect how they feel about themselves, and how they develop.

So irregardless of whatever schools of thought we allude to, the importance of a father and the particular role he portrays in a child’s life goes a long way in modelling how that child will grow up to view life. Like it or not, daddy issues are real. They could have been avoided though, if many more fathers stepped up to their roles rather than absconding their duties or adopting tyrannical stances with their own children.

Once one decides to become a father, there is no turning back. It is a lifelong decision with an implication that someone is and will always be dependent on you as a figure in their lives. It doesn’t matter whether your children grow out of diapers, go to college, get careers and start their own families. If you were the father who chose never to be involved in their upbringing, it shall forever impact them negatively. Sadly, it may impact the men and women they choose to start their own families with in future too.

One important feature I think women ought to look out for while choosing a potential mate is whether this man is in essence, able to step up to his fatherly duties, should you get pregnant by him. Will he be involved in his children’s lives whether your relationship survives the test of time or not? It doesn’t matter how happy or giddy with excitement this man makes you feel. Question is, is he up to raising the kids he will have with you in tough times or good times?

To All The Women Who Lacked Earthly Father Figures…

So it’s Father’s Day today, Happy Father’s Day to all the men who have actually been real fathers to their sons and daughters. Notice I use the term “real fathers” because a lot of men are simply fathers and not real.

I actually played this game in the image with my own dad. I must have been 6 or 7 then but I relished stepping on his feet and have him walk forward while I seemed to be moving backwards, as evidenced by my squeals of delight. My dad happened to be in my life for a total of 12 years from the time I was born and that was it. Well, this post is not going to turn out to be a sob story of my life dear readers, so relax.

Anyways, today after quite a while since I last posted on this blog, I decided to speak to all the women who lacked earthly father figures (of course God in heaven is also our father no wonder the term I’ve chosen to use), and who are probably wondering what the fuss is all about today. Father’s Day, so what?! Kind of thinking.

Dear woman, whose father was probably an a***hole who left your mum when she was pregnant with you, or who married another woman or picked up a hooker, who squeezed him of all his hard earned cash and made him forget all about his family or who was a tyrant, child molester, an alcoholic or wife beater, you need not feel inadequate on this day.

There is a saying which goes something like “it’s easy becoming a father but way harder being a dad” which in essence is very true. Of course there is nothing very complicated about the whole aspect of sperm meeting an ovum in an act of unprotected sex between two consenting adults. However, the complications always come in when the man suddenly refuses to shoulder his responsibility or denies his child that the woman is carrying in her womb.

It so happens that a father is actually the first darling in his daughter’s life. When she comes of age, she will subconsciously gauge all the men she meets and dates according to how her father’s make up was. Sadly or normally, most fathers and especially in African society, are not usually the mushy types who will spend all their time dotting on their daughters, calling them princesses, giving them hugs and mouthing the words “I love you”.

And though times have changed, African fathers were known to express their love to their children by providing them with food, shelter, clothing and a decent education. As a girl child, you automatically knew that your father loved you if he went out of his way to sell a piece of land just to get you enrolled into campus. And if he walked you down the aisle on your wedding day as is required. Indeed, a sizable number of African women can attest to the fact that they never got a chance to be that close to their fathers, as much as they were close to their mothers.

Yet another sizable number of women from all races are battling daddy issues from fathers who failed horribly at being real dads. It is actually embarrassing admitting to suffering from daddy issues. Society views you as fragile, vulnerable sometimes even silly. You are supposed to suck it up and be strong. After all, everyone has their own problems to deal with and no time to pay attention to a grown ass woman, who can’t keep a man in her life because she expects him to love her, the same way a father is supposed to love a daughter.

Society dictates how we should be or act, like it or not. Society can be harsh and judgmental. Society is actually made up of you and me who secretly view ourselves as being superior and others as being inferior. Don’t expect me to sugarcoat anything here.

So dear woman who lacked an earthly father figure, forget about what this man has put you and your family through and focus on yourself. Do not in any way feel as if you need a man in your life for validation. Do not allow yourself to sink into the desperation pit of searching for a person of the opposite sex, who will hopefully fill that fatherly void. Chances are you will only stumble upon jerks out to take advantage of the fact that you seem unsure of yourself. No other man who is not your biological father, can successfully fill a fatherly void of an absentee dad. Except a step father who has the integrity to truly treat you as his own daughter, flesh and blood. Or a loving uncle or male guardian with no ulterior motive.

Accept that the reason your real dad left was because he was unworthy of you. And that a man who walks out on his own son or daughter is not worth the pain or the tears or your desperate attempts to try and get him to acknowledge you if he doesn’t want to. A man who subjects his own family to untold pain and suffering is not worth having that family by his side. He is not supposed to influence his daughter’s sex life just because he was a pervert who could not tell the difference between his daughter and wife. As a matter of fact, such a man of the latter kind deserves to remain behind bars for the rest of his life.

You are a strong woman, beautifully and wonderfully made and with brains to top it all. You deserve nothing but the best. You deserve to make rational decisions in your life. And so on this day, when the world celebrates the fathers, with a smile and heartfelt wish, turn to any man you know has proven to be a real dad and wish him a Happy Father’s Day 🙂 🙂 🙂

I don’t believe in chasing after someone who walked out on you.

I was watching a certain Trisha episode yesterday evening where this 28 year old woman wanted a particular man to admit that he had indeed fathered her. Now there was a son present belonging to the said `father’ of this same woman but from a different mother. And though it was quite obvious from their looks that they were father and daughter, the son and daughter chose to fight throughout the show while the father stuck to his story that he doubted she was indeed his because the dates just didn’t add up. Words were thrown and it was just an ugly mess for a show (i don’t know why Trisha allows this on her shows but who am i to judge anyway?) before the DNA results proved that this man was actually that woman’s father.

I couldn’t help though but wonder why at 28, this woman was so hell bent on proving that this man who had constantly denied her all her life, was her dad. Was it because she had battled daddy issues? Was it because she felt like she needed to vindicate her mum for getting pregnant at 14 by this man? Apparently, her mum had given her a detailed explanation of how it had all happened, including how many times she had sex with her daughter’s father the night she conceived. Sounds a little off and too much detail, right? I thought so too.

I have never been one to believe in chasing after someone who walked out on you. At 17, this boy would have stepped up and admitted to fathering that child whether the girl claimed otherwise. Instead, he chose to believe her when she claimed that he wasn’t the father, out of fear according to her side of the story, because he was a friend to somebody in her family. And he actually went ahead to convince himself that the dates did not add up and that he couldn’t have fathered that child for a total of 28 years! Wasn’t that enough proof for this mum and daughter that this man wasn’t interested in being a daddy? Was the DNA necessary if this woman had managed to raise her daughter without his support for a whole 28 years? Did this mum even realize that she needed to be proud of herself for bringing up this daughter whether this man was present in their lives or not?

Why women choose to second guess themselves in such scenarios like these has always remained a mystery to me.

Some unknown person stated clearly that `it is very easy to become a father but being a father, is much harder’.

There are hundreds of men who have fathered children, suspect that they are indeed the fathers to those children, haven’t been in contact with the mothers of those children for years, haven’t seen those children even and are perfectly OK living with that knowledge and doing nothing about it. Would it be wise for a woman to keep following this man whose actions clearly show he is not that interested?

I think it is high time that women stopped second guessing themselves and moved on. Close that chapter completely. It doesn’t matter whether you were once in a steamy relationship with this man or not. It doesn’t matter whether you bore him a child that now he can’t bear to look at or can’t imagine himself stepping up to the role of a father. If he walked out on you the minute you gave him the pregnancy news then he isn’t worth chasing nor is he worth being in that child’s life.

The reason why so many women are carrying such heavy burdens in their hearts is because they refuse to forget about men who have treated them like trash in the past. They refuse to find that closure for themselves without the man present to sort it out. Women need to know and realize that they are much stronger than they think. If they weren’t that strong, then the pain of bringing forth life would have been too hard for them to bear. But they indeed bear it with an unexplained courage whether it is the right time for them to become mothers or not. Whether it was planned or unplanned. And they still carry on with that same courage while raising kids whose fathers are putting no input whatsoever. Motherhood, as some Christian post i was reading stated, is indeed a blessing and not an unpleasant chore. What makes it unpleasant is women refusing to forgive that man who got them pregnant, letting go of the pain and forgetting about him.

I am of the school of thought that if he was indeed the one to walk away, then he should be the one to come looking and not the other way round. And that is the main reason why daughters or sons for that matter, who go in search of men who initially wanted nothing to do with them, suffer the pain of rejection and cold treatment from these men. It is high time that women and single mothers should instill high courage in their children so that those particular children should not feel like something is missing in their lives to the extent of embarking on a fruitless search for a father who doesn’t want you. If he didn’t want you when you were chubby and cute with those huge innocent eyes, what makes you think that he would want you when you are all grown with a beard thing going or fully woman? If he got off the hook then, 80% of the chances are he would still want to get off the hook now.

Men who father children and leave them hanging are actually cowards who should be left in their cowardly dance. It takes a hellova courage to step up and father that child who is a product of whatever relationship you had whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefit thing or a teenage romance for that matter.