The Undateables And Finding The One

indexI have recently been watching episodes of the The Undateables on DSTV’s TLC channel. This is a reality show, geared toward connecting people who have trouble finding compatible partners due to certain disabilities, genetic conditions or social ineptness, to other people with a similar predicament.

The matchmakers do a commendable good job at finding matches for these people who are considered “undateable”. And I must say it’s really cute seeing them shy off or act all awkward while on dates and still get a second date and a possibility at love.

We might consider these particular targeted group as special  due to their circumstances but in reality, many people secretly consider themselves undateable. They just don’t voice it out for fear of revealing their insecurities to others, yet they appear to have it all in terms of looks, career and the likes.

Many people start considering themselves undateable when they have spent a significant amount of time in the dating world, pursuing relationships that left them heartbroken and seriously wounded. To shield themselves from the pain of yet another broken relationship, these people convince themselves that they are better of casually dating or being single.

Over time we’ve started hearing of “finding the one”. Who is this “one”? The person we assume will be different from all those other people we have dated that have caused us havoc in our lives. The person we assume will make us happy. The person we assume will be ready to propose in an idyllic setting, be ready to start a family and proudly parade us as their spouse. The person who will never leave our sides.

It’s no longer only a woman thing. Men too, secretly hope to find that “one” woman who won’t run off with another man, who won’t nag about the little things, who won’t go all detective on them, who will be a good cook, a freak in the bed, satisfied with the man’s input and won’t mind the man’s passion for football time with friends.

In reality however, we do know that “finding the one” is almost like an illusion for most of us, since there is no “one” person out there who is without flaws. So we resign ourselves to the fact that perhaps we are just not that attractive or good enough, to find someone who will give us that pure love and not end up ripping off our hearts from our chests, with their actions.

And we decide to settle for the familiar, shut out any possibilities of finding love or opt to create a subconscious wall that reads “NO ENTRY” to our hearts. We do not realize that by admitting secretly to being undateable, we are in reality chasing away any possibility of finding someone, who is compatible with us. Instead, we are coming up with daily conclusions about men and women that are in fact, baseless.

Being “undateable” doesn’t only have to manifest itself in how we look physically or what disabilities we have struggled with. Often times, being “undateable” is actually a mindset for the able bodied individuals, who have since convinced themselves that they can never find someone to love them truly.

And even though that someone may be right in front of their eyes, the veil of “undateability” over their faces prevents them from seeing that possibility. Relationship coaches may spend years coming up with guides on how to attract the right man or woman. But as long as you have convinced yourself that nobody can date you, the way you want to be dated, no amount of coaching can help.

If you want to experience that feeling of true love then you have to be open to finding that true love and not necessarily “the one”. I’m not implying that you throw all caution to the wind and settle on that man or woman who seems ready to be in a relationship. I mean embracing that feel good feeling you get whenever you start seeing that someone, that you click with on so many fronts.

He or she doesn’t have to be what you are used to, but those special qualities that you can pinpoint in him or her and the fact that you are both starting to get to know each other, should be your cue in pursuing this newfound love. When you stop looking at someone through a judgmental lense, influenced by certain conclusions you have since come up with, is when you increase your chances of actually being dateable.

Stop believing that you are not good enough to be in an actual relationship or you are too damaged to find someone to understand you and find that love that you truly desire.



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