Non-Committal Men And The Lies They Tell

I think so many men are pretty non-committal in their 20s. Going by the number of Kenyan men I have encountered in the past who just don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship. I know someone somewhere of the opposite gender is already foaming at the mouth at my blatant declaration. Well, just to be fair and not so much of a pessimist, there is a percentage that WANTS to be exclusive. This percentage, sadly, is a small one.

A non-committal man is obviously one who won’t commit.

He will come up with all of these reasons as to why he doesn’t want to be exclusive just yet. You will be surprised that some of these reasons sound pretty justified.

A non-committal man is the kind who will pretend to be interested in a relationship in the early stages. Once you give in to his charms and start “dating”, it won’t be long before he begins acting distant.

You as the woman, will get thoroughly surprised by this sudden turn of events.

Indeed one of the earliest signs of a non-committal man is an unwillingness to spend time with you. These kinds surround themselves with friends so much, to the extent where he barely has time for the woman he is trying to lure into his life. The woman will try to beg, negotiate even, for more time, to which the man will blatantly refuse to give.

Non-committal men have a tendency to give a past broken relationship with a woman he really loved as the reason why they will not open their hearts to love another woman. This ladies, is a TOTAL LIE.

In truth, a non-committal person, male or female, is actually afraid to love. He knows that love will make him vulnerable and that he will have to open up to another person of the opposite gender, while in that situation of being in love. He is completely insecure with the thought of opening up himself to another person and so he would rather create a false illusion, that he is not ready for exclusivity or love for that matter.

A non-committal man will never admit his deep insecurities to a woman. Instead, he will employ the blame game and the poor ex, who happened to cheat on him or treat him badly, will be the one to always take the blame. Until that point in time when this man decides to face his fears and in the process, feels ready to fall in love and actually commits to one woman.

I’m no relationship coach but in my dating years, I have encountered quite a number of young men in their mid to late twenties, who have over time created this very tough wall of being “NON-COMMITTED”.

Sadly, some of these men drag this tough wall into marriages and that is why you get to hear of “open marriages”. Whoever came up with that concept? But it is happening! Not only in the West but in Africa too. It’s only that in African societies, we keep it hush hush for obvious reasons or coat it with tradition and culture and claims of a wife belonging to the community, when in the real sense it is a husband who does not want to commit to one woman.

A non-committal man often seems unconcerned with whoever you as the woman, want to spend time with of the opposite sex. Trust me, a man who truly loves and desires you will be very bothered if you get to hang out with other men on dates and social activities. By stating that, I’m not endorsing possessiveness where the man curtails your movements and does not even seem to understand that you have male colleagues at work as well as male relatives and friends.

I’m speaking about a man who will not seem bothered that you went out on a date with another man, had him accompany you to your house or out of town while you are his supposed girlfriend. I once encountered a non-committal man, who insisted I go out of town with a man whose intentions I did not trust completely and had already shared my concerns  about it with the said non-committal man, because I thought, we were in a relationship. Needless to say, I was appalled that he kept on insisting that I travel with this shifty character and in the process made it seem like I was simply being paranoid.

Similar to open marriages, be wary of a husband who gives you permission to sleep with other men while still married to him. That is not normal. That is absurd. Men get hit by that pang of jealousy when a woman they love and want to be with seems to be getting attention from specific people of the opposite sex. It is human nature. This gender is naturally competitive. So if he doesn’t seem to care and encourages it, he doesn’t love you. He is not interested in commitment. He doesn’t care who beds you.

Same way you wouldn’t care if that guy who keeps on hitting on you and you don’t feel him sleeps with 20 other women besides you, is how this non-committal man doesn’t care.

Some insecure non-committal men will embark on painting you the woman desiring a relationship with them, as various unsavory things. A sex addict, paranoid, jumpy, moving the relationship too fast…blah,blah,blah. You are not any of those things.

Let me tell you a secret.

As much as I agree it is important for a relationship to grow gradually. A man who is interested in being with you will put in the effort from day one. He will call you, be interested in your hobbies, take time to understand your character, create time to see you…

If a relationship feels dead from the very beginning, this man DOESN’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. He will only keep on branding you as paranoid, jumpy, nagging, a sex addict and all those unsavory things so that your mind gets preoccupied with all the negativity to the extent where, you don’t get to truly see him for what he is. A NON-COMMITTAL MAN. Instead you will blame yourself for the relationship not working out. It is HIM  sister, not YOU.

And lastly, the classic, LET’S BE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. This is your time to flee from this non-committal man. Oh, so he doesn’t want to be exclusive with you, but the few times you guys have sweated it out in the bedroom, he has already decided he doesn’t want to give that part up just yet, so he comes up with this ridiculous proposition, because that is how his warped mind sees you. Dear sister, cut this man loose.

You are a strong woman. You can make it without him. In fact, a wonderful man is just lurking round the corner. You only need to get to that space where you are comfortable with your singlehood to be able to accommodate a worthy man in your life. Non-committal men will only string you along for no reason and for your information, you don’t need FWB arrangements in your mid to late twenties. You need a man who is courageous enough to step up and declare that he wants to be exclusive with you.

Forget the idea that your love can change a non-committal man. Most of these kinds are very stubborn. They will only change when they feel like changing. It is not your mandate to change people. Let him be, no hard feelings. Never be down for mediocrity.

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