Month: June 2016

Are Older Men Better Lovers?

This is a curiosity that has over time gotten the better of me.

When I talk about older men, I do not mean the men in the “sponsor” category, where the woman does not mind how wrinkly the chap looks or whether he has erectile dysfunction issues or not, as long as she is smiling all the way to the bank. I mean men who are significantly older than the woman they are intending to date. Say between 10 to 16 years older than their love interest.

Men who were previously married but then it never worked out and they ended up divorced or separated. Men whose spouses are deceased. Men who have never been married and are already at the 40 years old mark. Those are the men I’m talking about.

So question is, are they better lovers than their younger testosterone driven counterparts?

Financial Capability.

Of course a guy who is significantly older has put his finances in order. We all secretly or openly know that, one of the factors that women intending to get into relationships with particular men consider is the men’s financial capabilities. This does not translate into gold-digging per se.

A woman would want to be assured of the fact that a man is in essence capable of taking care of her needs. That should she get his children, then he can be able to provide financially for his family. If a man seems a little unsure with his finances, many focused women would opt not to carry on with the relationship, for fear of financial uncertainties that seem to be looming in the future.

Older men in their 40s already have a significant amount of years while gainfully employed, under their belts. In such a scenario, the man has over time climbed through the ranks, learnt how to manage his increasing finances over the years, has experience with various financial responsibilities and is now at a place where he is sure of his financial capabilities. If not gainfully employed, he at least has a business that he has been running for a while and is quite stable.

Shout over the rooftops as you may that women are conniving opportunists, this particular financial capability in a man, whether older or within a woman’s age bracket, is almost, always very alluring.

Maturity.

No doubt about that. With years comes maturity. I am not trying to imply that younger men are immature. My argument lies on the fact that since this man is older, then he has definitely seen more than  what a younger man has seen and wised up in the process.

If he has tried a marriage before and it never worked out, then he is better placed to know the rocky patches that married couples have to navigate. Perhaps he has learnt from his mistakes if he was at fault. Definitely, he does not intend to repeat those same mistakes with another woman. Maybe, he has had to unfortunately grieve a loved one who could be the mother to his kids in situations where his spouse is deceased. He fully understands the pain of losing someone you love and how to cope with that loss.

In his mature state, he is not prone to making irrational decisions. He may clearly know what he wants out of a relationship with a woman he has just started seeing. I’m sure a couple of women have ever encountered an older guy who straight up stated, that he wanted to settle down perhaps on a first or a second date. In such scenarios, the woman who is always younger, may immediately think of bolting because this man seems to be in such a hurry to have a wife yet, she may not be ready herself to settle.

In some cases, it is not about being in a hurry. It could only be that this significantly, older man knows what he wants. In his maturity, he sees no reason to skirt around issues or play around. He is direct to the point with what he wants and deems fit for him.

Sex

There is a lot of uncertainty that comes with younger men and sex. It is not entirely an isolated case of a young man bedding a woman, then pulling an epic disappearing stunt immediately after the deed. It is however strange, for an older guy say 14 years older than the woman, pulling the same stunt. Most do not.

Sex to them is not a game of conquest. It is not a feat to be achieved and in the process prove yourself as a stud in bed. With years of experience, older men know better how to please a woman in bed. They take their time. They ensure she is satisfied. It is not only about their own pleasure. A woman does not have to fear that what they did behind closed doors, will make its way into the ears of the boys in the hood. As a matter of fact, sex will feel safe with him.

There’s something alluring about an older guy

I’m not sure if it is that self assured stance or the fact that clothes look good on the fit ones. Obviously, this does not translate to them automatically being good lovers but it is one of the factors, that make them attractive in the dating world.

Think Idris Elba,

Terrence Howard,

EMPIRE: Lucious (Terrence Howard) addresses his family in the "The Devil Quotes Scripture" episode airing Wednesday, Jan. 21 (9:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. CR: Chuck Hodes/FOX

Lucious (Terrence Howard) in an Empire episode, addressing his family. Google pics.

Blair Underwood

 Blair Underwood/perezhilton.com

Blair Underwood/perezhilton.com

And these are just the ones in the public eye, some hitched. What about the normal, single, older men who take care of their weight, know how to dress and look significantly younger than their real ages?

 

Readers, your thoughts?

 

 

 

Why The Constant Need To Identify As African/Black?

Before you accuse me of being ashamed of my roots, I shall first and foremost state that, I’m every inch proud to be from the African continent. However, I’m getting a little irritated every time I read or get to hear an introduction by someone of the same roots as me, which goes in the lines of…

Hey, I’m so and so, a Medical Researcher and Black…

or

Hey, I’m so and so, a Linguist and African

or

I’m a wife, mother, culinary expert, with an environmental degree and Black/African…

I know you are probably wondering by now what my beef is with this. Take a seat, I will tell you.

You see, over time, Africans or anyone with an African origin have grown so defensive of their roots, to the extent where we are constantly trying to prove our legibility to other races. I have a huge problem with such introductions because, whether the initial intention behind them was to communicate a certain pride in one’s heritage or culture, they always seem to emit a kind of justification for being African/Black vibe to them.

But why do we, as Africans, feel the need to keep on justifying the fact that we are of Chocolate skin and of kinky hair? Why do we always feel the need to state our occupations and achievements then add the fact that we are Black/African? Why isn’t it as common as it is with us, for other people from different races to identify themselves as

An Engineer and White/Asian/Arab

or

A wife, mother, culinary expert with an environmental degree and White/Asian/Arab?

I know many will argue that Africans are the ones who have been through a lot in terms of oppression and the harsh vagaries of life. I mean, there was slavery, colonialism, racial discrimination, poverty, disease…you name it. So ultimately, an African or someone with African roots who is an achiever irregardless of these factors, will automatically want to add the term I am Black/African in their introduction of themselves.

This just goes on to prove that despite efforts in the past by other races to try and put down the African or Black man or woman, an African can still rise up and become a successful medical doctor or mother or wife or environmentalist or linguist. We just have to keep on reminding these people that Black/African people can indeed be something in society.

However, I tend to disagree and with all due respect to all movements which have been formed in the past, in regards to fighting for the Black/African man/woman’s rights. I applaud such movements as a matter of fact, because they have gone a long way in addressing the plight of races that are stubbornly being still considered inferior by a section of close minded individuals.

But as much as we want to drive a point home that we can still be achievers, I think constantly alluding to our races exhibits a form of desperation of sorts. And so what if I’m Black or African? It doesn’t matter my heritage because all human beings are equipped with similar bodily functions irregardless of race. Along the way, we forgot about this and started looking at our skin colors as a basis for judgment of other people’s abilities.

If we are to successfully do away with racial profiling, then we better stop emphasizing on the point that we are something, yet from the African heritage. We need to focus on where we are headed as individuals other than on constantly devising ways, of justifying why we have been able to achieve this or that, irregardless of whatever stereotypes have been put in place in the past, concerning us.

Unidentified African woman. Twitter.com

An unidentified African woman. Twitter.com

In countries from the African continent which have successfully to some large extent, tried killing ethnic profiling, doing away with descriptions of self as from this tribe or that has been adopted as a tough stance. This has worked in Rwanda which experienced the harrowing genocide in 1994. Nobody constantly introduces themselves as from this tribe or that tribe in the said country.

In our bid to try to show the rest of the world that we are making it irrespective of what has been said of us in the past, we are constantly reminding the world that we are indeed different. Yes, our skin colors may be different. Our experiences may be very different indeed. Our cultures all the more different but we all eat, sleep, talk and breath.

It would be refreshing to see a Black or African man or woman who perhaps is a blogger/writer but who chose to only identify with the country of origin. Say British or American or Australian and did not allude to the African/Black part only to have his/her readers get pleasantly surprised when they finally discover he/she is Black or African.

And yes, I’m every inch African but if I were to relocate to a country where my skin color stood out from the rest of the population, I would constantly allude to the fact that I’m from Kenya. I may experience the culture shock, I may take a hellova long time to adjust to my new environment, hell, I may even be lumped in the category of the “Black Community”and start being referred to as a Black woman, but I would continually identify myself as Kenyan.

It might surprise some of my readers that while biracial individuals are considered Black in the West, here in Africa, they are considered the most prettiest/handsome looking individuals. We of darker shades marvel at their latte and caramel shades and silkier, softer hair and may not really call them African. My latter statement not intended to ridicule the fact that as a result of not being considered purely White or Black, quite a number of Biracial individuals suffer identity issues. What I’m driving at is the fact that what might be considered a minority elsewhere, may actually be a source of marvel and beauty elsewhere.

Plus constantly trying to prove people wrong only ends up in some form of deep frustration. Remember, we all sleep, eat, breath and talk. We are humans.

Any thoughts on this?

 

Single Parenting And Judging The Woman Harshly

Single Dad:

Oh, the mother of his child must have been very irresponsible! 

He must be very courageous and kind hearted to choose to raise his child/children by himself…

Oh let me prove to him just how much of an awesome stepmum I can be to his kids…He’s just too alluring.

Single mum:

money101.co.za

money101.co.za

She must have been those hardheaded types who cannot stay put in marriages!

Or maybe she got her baby with a married man…

I cannot date a woman with extra baggage in the form of kids…

What if her son starts demanding for an inheritance from me yet I’m not his biological dad?

It is no secret that single mums are often judged more harshly than their male counterparts in a similar situation. But why the double standards?

Well, I sought to find this out from one of my male acquaintances who sadly, is of the chauvinistic thinking that a woman who ends up single parenting is in essence, damaged goods. So I asked why he thought such women were no longer eligible candidates in the dating world and his answer was quite interesting; No man wants to interfere with another man’s turf.

Fair enough. But why are we willing to interfere with another woman’s turf per se? Why are single dads viewed as heroic in their efforts to raise their children by themselves while single mums are viewed as failures for doing the same?

Is it because of the sexual stereotypes that have forever been applied to women? The idea held by some, that women should be virgins before marriage but men can be excused for being sexually active before marriage. Is it a woman’s fault for ending up a single mum? Has she any control over what happens once a baby is conceived and the relationship with the baby’s father takes a turn for the worse?

While looking at the single parenting scenario, we have no choice but to acknowledge that times have indeed changed. While it was once in order, ethical even, for two people to get children in a marriage and stay put through thick and thin, nowadays, many more individuals are ending up as single parents either by choice or as a result of certain circumstances.

Blame it on exposure or the feminism wave but in recent times, it is not entirely uncommon, for two individuals in a certain relationship involving children to want out if things seem not to be working. It may not seem like an entirely wise decision seeing that the children are the ones who are likely to end up quite affected, but we really have no control over how two people choose to solve their relationship issues.

However, I find it baseless judging the women in single parenting scenarios more harshly than the men in the same. What if we chose to reason similarly for both sexes regarding what might have drove them into single parenting? Is it possible for us to do so even, judging by some of the chauvinistic attitudes that have over time been deeply embedded in our societies?

Methinks that irrespective of whatever sex a person is, the choice to singlehandedly raise a child/children is indeed a courageous one. It does not mean that the child may grow up deficient as many would like to assume. There are living examples of children who have been raised by single parents and have gone on to become wholesome adults in future. It all depends on the parenting style chosen by the single parent.

And while I’m no advocate for the kind of drama some of these clueless children are subjected to once their parents’ relationship sours, I’m of the idea that a single parent can equally raise a child perfectly. Of course this child may be deprived of the presence of one parent but it may come as a surprise to you, that many children in single parenting households, see nothing amiss with one parental figure missing.

They may only feel something was amiss if the parent in their lives sadly, fell short of being someone they could look up to for their well being and security. Quite a number of children from single parent households have gone ahead to do amazing things with their lives. They are actually individuals whose parents can be proud of.

In my statements above, I’m not trying to trash the family unit. I’m all for the family unit of both parents and children. However, if it so happens that one parent is conspicuously absent, then the other parent should be in a position to step in and try as much as they can to fill the gap for both parents. Whether this parent is male or female. Of course challenges are inevitable in single parenting but the welfare of the child is all that matters in such a scenario.

When we choose to judge single parents with regards to their gender, we are in essence alluding to the stereotypical thinking that women ought to be tamed by marriages. And men should be placed on a pedestal for doing something that only a woman is considered capable of doing. Parenting is a two way thing. Once one decides to become a parent, whether a man or woman, then they should factor this in the back of their minds that their child needs their input.

A single father raising his kids singlehandedly is in essence doing what is required of him should the other parent choose to abscond her duties for whatever reason. It is the same thing with when a single mother decides to raise her kids singlehandedly. She is only doing what is required of her as the parent of the opposite gender.

However, I’m aware that there are women who knowingly choose to be single mums and have no intention whatsoever of providing their children with a father figure. Such a woman should be in a position to think critically of the implications of this to her children, before going ahead with making that particular decision.

Like I mentioned, the welfare of the child should always be put into consideration. If at all this woman is denying her child/children a father figure knowing fully well that she will do a poor job at parenting, then she has nobody else but herself to blame.

What are your thoughts?