Month: April 2016

Misogyny and Misandry; The Kenyan Society As Of Now.

A lot has been said concerning Beyonce’s Lemonade album. Mostly individual perspectives of what the artiste is on to, some negative, some positive. Today morning, I stumbled upon a post by one of our well known Kenyan bloggers and Twitter bigwig, with that particular album of Beyonce’s, forming the inspiration behind the post.

tvcontinental.tv

Beyonce, photo courtesy of  tvcontinental.tv

I decided to read it and what accosted me was simply a vile case of a misogynist rant. I do not intend to bash a fellow blogger as I would not relish being drawn into a nasty spat.

However, the choice of words in the post to describe Kenyan women as opportunists jumped out at me like a thief in the night. All that seemingly hatred, toward women further proved to me how much the Kenyan society as of now, has sunk deep into the depths of misogyny and misandry.

It’s not only the men who hate the women. The women too do not like the men. The men would love to justify their hatred with claims of the feminist wave messing up any form of rationality in women. The women becoming carefree in recent times to deplorable levels deserving a severe backlash from the male gender. The men would like the women to believe that they do not give a hoot about whatever feminist views the females now possess.

The females on the other hand will react with shock and disbelief at this outcome from men. They will not take it lying down that the men have now chosen to bash what in essence, is their newfound liberation from the shackles of submissiveness bordering on oppression. They would like to prove to the men that their hostile actions do not at all faze them and that any form of oppressive thinking toward women from men will not be tolerated.

A lot of mistrust between the sexes has now over time seeped into our Kenyan society. Men and women have no qualms calling into radio stations and live on air rant about their husbands’ or wives’ transgressions. Often one side will end up being bashed more than the other much to the glee of the radio hosts keen on boosting their ratings. I do not blame the radio hosts. It is part of their job to ensure that their shows get the highest number of listeners and fans as possible.

The way a man would sleep with a woman then after the deed decide that she is cheap and therefore, he has no desire to continue pursuing the woman and without further explanation, bolt is the same way, a woman will develop a deep dislike for men, who seem to only be after one thing from her then disappear into thin air. Indeed misogyny and misandry is so deeply rooted in our society, that both sexes do not know how to treat each other with respect after a night of passion in which both were full participants.

Both sexes see no need to have a sit down and decide to either slow down the pace in anticipation for something solid or not to pursue anything afterward. I’m sure if we were that reasonable and considerate of each other’s feelings, a sit down between two adults who seemingly rushed into sex would have saved both sexes a lot of heartache.

I read what came out as stereotypical thinking from the post of what Kenyan women have now over time transformed into being. Gold diggers, sl*ts, b*****s, opportunists, spinsters on the prey for hapless men to nab and what nots. We may tend to conclude that this is just but a one sided view from a man who obviously has deep issues with women but I would like to disagree.

This is what the battle of the sexes has turned the Kenyan society into. You might be surprised that quite a number of men think the same and are in total agreement with the blogger. You might equally be surprised that quite a number of women think lowly of men and have lumped them into categories of deadbeat dads, players, good for nothings, chauvinists and what nots.

The blogger then went ahead to bash successful female media personalities with an analysis of why each is in the current marital situation. I can only speculate why he decided to go down that route. However, methinks that the fact that he knows these women are considered ideal role models by other women, just from their successes and achievements, then a direct attack of them goes a long way into trying to dent the seemingly perfect image, that these high profile women have created in other women’s minds.

Simply the malicious style of thinking that this whole issue of misandry and misogyny has caused us. It might take a lot of effort to try and at least change this whole outcome seeing that more misogynist views as well as misandrist views are cropping up with each passing day. What happened to the respect that we once accorded one another? Or perhaps there never was a strong foundation of respect between the sexes in the first place. Probably, a ground for unhealthy competition was created between the sexes long before we came across misogyny and misandry as words.

Claiming that women are learning their whorish ways from their own whorish mothers is totally misconstrued. I think a section of men has already forgotten that it is from women that they came from and when you take to insulting mothers, including single mothers, it is a whole level of disrespect toward the female gender, your own mother included. It should be noted that if a woman decides to act in a certain way considered vile by society, since it is societal views which influence our morals often times, it is not because she comes from a background of vile women.

We are choosing as a society to bash one another in the crudest of ways. If your own father left your mother and the children to face hard times yet he was in a position to provide, it does not mean that all men will walk out on women and therefore deserve to be lumped into a category of animals. I think as bloggers who have a public voice, it is our mandate to try and unite the sexes and not draw them into what seems like a hostile competition of who is better than the other. Often times, in a battle of the sexes, none of the sides win.

I would have loved to get a refreshing read of what a Kenyan blogger thought of Beyonce’s lemonade album, never mind the fact that we do not for sure know what goes on in Bey and Jay Z’s bedroom. However, what I unfortunately got was a rant aimed at painting one gender as blacker than the other. None of the genders should even be painted anything in the first place because like it or not we are in existence together and we therefore need to coexist.

There’s no justification whatsoever for a Kenyan woman to bash a Kenyan man neither is there any justification whatsoever for a Kenyan man to bash a Kenyan woman. If a woman decides to get married in her 60s and does get a man who loves her then nobody between the two has been played. If a woman ends up a single mum, then we have no reason to run our mouths on what we think caused it. If a couple ends up divorced, the issues are between the couple and not with either of the gender.

All this slut shaming of Kenyan women and finger pointing of Kenyan men by Kenyan women and men alike will only take our society to a place where we would not be able to recover it from. I rest my case.

Why Having Many Children Still Raises Eyebrows

And by many, I mean 5,6,7 children and over.

Children have always been considered a blessing. A source of wealth in African society. If a couple lacked children, then that particular aspect tended/tends to be a source of great misery for the couple. In the past, let’s say about 25 years ago, having many children was considered normal.

My parents for example, come from fairly large families. My father and his siblings total 11 children. On my mother’s side, it was a bit reasonable. Together with her siblings, they total 7. For my maternal grandfather, together with his siblings, they total 15 children. Two died in childhood.

Further afield in the West, renowned Country Singer Dolly Parton comes from a family of 12 children. Celine Dion comes from a family of 14 children. Quite a number of Americans and Europeans born in the 50s and 60s came from families with children totaling over 10. So from this, we can tell that having many children was not really a big deal globally at some point in time.

However, in recent times and with increased awareness of contraceptive use and family planning methods, a possibility of regulating the number of children you got as a couple was created. Having more than 4 children started to seem a little too unwise for a couple.

If a couple intended to give their children a better life than what they had themselves, then the number of children they got had to decrease significantly. In some countries in the world for example, there was a need to restrict the number of children a couple got just to have a control of the population.

One such country which had a more than 35 year old one-child policy was China. Currently, the Chinese are allowed 2. Still restrictive in my opinion, despite the fact that China is considered one of the most populated countries in the world. However, to restrict a couple from having the number of children they would have initially liked to have, does not sound quite appealing to me irregardless of demographics and economic planning.

Just the previous evening, I happened to be a part of a conversation which ended up transforming into a criticism of a certain couple that I have not been acquainted with. According to one of the story tellers, this couple was still in their mid twenties yet already had 4 children. So in jest, she wondered if sex was the only thing on their minds.

It might seem thoroughly unwise or stupid even for this young couple to keep on bringing children into the world but if we decide to be rational for a moment, how many children a couple decides to have is really none of our business as third parties. In recent times, too many children in a family is a sign of poverty and not wealth as it was in the olden times in Africa.

Poverty stricken couples have always been associated with large numbers of unkempt young children tottering around without diapers and with unsightly running noses. The argument has always been if you can barely afford yourself as individuals, how then can you afford children bordering on the tenth number?

Some denominations equally restricted their faithfuls from engaging in the use of artificial family planning methods but rather to rely on the often unpredictable natural method of family planning. The end result, quite large numbers of children in such families that followed their religious denominational rules to the latter.

So when Pope Francis mentioned something bordering on the “Catholics don’t have to breed like rabbits” lines, it was sure to elicit some form of reaction and especially from the conservative Catholics who have in the past stuck to natural modes of contraception. However, it should be noted that Pope Francis’ statements were aimed at addressing responsible parenting.

In my view, if a couple can afford to give their children the very best then the number they decide to have should not be of concern to outsiders. It should equally not be associated with stupidity on their part. There are people who have a preference for large families and equally people, who have a preference for smaller families.

American author Danielle Steel has nine children herself. One unfortunately took his own life as a result of the bi-polar disorder he suffered. Steel grew up as an only child to surprisingly Catholic parents, who decided to have only one child as opposed to staunch Catholics who were known to have many. It should be noted that Steel deciding to have nine children was a personal choice and she was in a position to provide equally for them all.

The famous Kardashian family is a family of six children. Kris Jenner decided to have four children with her first husband Robert Kardashian before adding two more with her second husband Bruce (now Caitlyn) Jenner. Funnily enough, not so many fingers have been pointed at the Kardashian brood for being a large family. I attribute this to the fact that they have spent quite a significant amount of time in the limelight and have firmly imprinted in the minds of their viewers, that they are a family capable of catering for its needs.

However, in my opinion, it would be unreasonable for a couple to have so many children if they can barely provide for them all. If they can take breaks in between just to improve on their livelihood before adding another family member, then that would be less strenuous on their part. But as much as I may think that way, the choice of the number of children to have remains solely with the couple irregardless of whether they are monied or not.

Pointing fingers at a couple for having a number of children YOU consider to be many, is basically judgmental really. So the fact that it still raises eyebrows is quite baffling. Isn’t it time that we minded our own businesses and stopped bothering with why the next couple has 6 and not 2 children?

You Are Not A Slut If A Man Leaves You After Sex

I think it’s high time women stopped pegging their sexuality on what men think. If you sleep with a man and then immediately after the act he takes the high road, then he was only after the sex and nothing else. Stop analyzing how much he texted or called you before you finally gave in. Stop analyzing the presents he showered you with in the days leading toward the act.

He was simply grooming you for the part. After he got what he initially wanted, he grew distant. He gave you one word replies. He acted all irritated by your presence. He ignored your calls. Hung up even. In some cases, he even went as far as calling you easy to your face. He made you feel like a slut in the process just from the disrespectful way he treated you in the aftermath.

nymag.com

nymag.com

I’m here to tell you that you are not a slut if a man leaves you after sex. He was simply after the sex. He wasn’t interested in knowing you as a person. He wasn’t interested in your qualities, your hobbies, your cute dimple on the left cheek. He was just on the prey for a lay. And the best thing you can do for yourself as a woman is to cut him loose and never look back.

Otherwise if you carry on pursuing, this man will carry on disrespecting you to the point where you begin believing that you are truly a slut for sleeping with him. You are not a slut. You simply missed the red flags. So take it as a lesson. Any man who seems to be grooming you for sex should be given a wide berth before anything happens. If you do entertain him, then be prepared for the bolt. There’s no skirting around it.

If he shows up 3 or 4 months down the line after no contact, he simply ran out of options and remembered how easily you fell for his grooming tactics. Never mistake a Houdini who suddenly shows up as having realized how important you are. As a matter of fact, he has no idea how important you are, because in the first place he took no time to get to know you other than between the sheets. Don’t give him a second chance to slut shame you.

If you need to know what signs to read in a man who is only after sex read this http://www.definitelylorna.wordpress.com/8-signs-hes-only-after-the-cookie

 

Women Fear Men Will Leave Them; Men Fear Women Will Leave Them

I recently had a highly interesting convo with a security guard someplace in my line of duty. On a daily basis, I can talk to quite a number of people a majority being strangers and acquaintances and this security guard was no different. So being part of my job, I suggested to him an idea of how he could make himself more money and ultimately benefit his family.

He was the skeptical type. Didn’t seem really interested in the suggestion but ended up mentioning his wife fleetingly. He thought that since she wasn’t as held up as he was, then she could probably take up the idea I had. Animatedly, I began coming up with more plans for the wife on how she could implement the idea and all of a sudden, this man grew highly uncomfortable.

His demeanor changed and in an uncertain tone, he said, “Na sasa bibi akitengeneza pesa hivyo, si ataniwacha?” (and if my wife ends up making a ton of money, won’t she leave me?) Of course the statement caught me off guard and I laughed and asked why she would leave him.

Then as if challenging me, he inquired whether I was married. I lied that I was. Then he further mentioned, that if I ended up making a lot of money from my job, then it was given that I would leave my husband. I clarified that I wouldn’t since we were working as a unit. Obviously, that didn’t sound convincing enough for him and the conversation went downhill from there.

In short, this man feared that if his wife got a financial capability of sorts, then she would see no need to stick around and no amount of convincing could I do, to get that thought out of his head.

You see, both sexes fear each other.

Women fear that men would leave them for a couple of reasons;

  • After sex. (If they do, f**k em!)
  • They are not beautiful/sexy enough.
  • They are inadequate (now this is crazy)
  • Other women are hotter and more appealing etc. etc…

Men on the other hand fear that women will leave them because of Money.

In most cases, men take a woman’s financial stability as a huge red flag of her inability to be loyal onward. As a woman, I tend to reason in terms of healthy competition but for the man, it is something that needs to be curtailed if need be.

Now I’m not suggesting that all men reason in such a manner but for those that do, I figure it is highly pegged on what society has instilled in men for generations and an insecurity of sorts on their part. It is a harsh fact that patriarchy rules in many societies the world over. Men have always been groomed to have the upper hand.

In recent times, women are now being groomed to have the upper hand. In the process, the men are being left behind. While the girl children are being encouraged to study and attain their maximum potential, the boy children are assumed to already know what is expected of them and to somehow, manage since they are in fact men.

I have encountered people in the past who argued that we spent so much time on girl power that we ended up forgetting all about the boy child. So definitely, if men know that a woman is likely to get justice for a gender injustice of some sort and the man is supposed to suck it up or get jeered at for being a weakling for a similar gender injustice, then men cannot help experiencing certain insecurities.

However, acting all mistrustful of each other isn’t going to even half solve this problem. From that conversation I had with this man, I made a conclusion that he was in a marriage that was riddled with mistrust. Getting him to give his wife my phone number, was equally a hurdle, because he mentioned that she would question him on where he had gotten acquainted with me from.

Well, we may be tempted to dismiss this couple as an exception but I beg to differ. The fear between the sexes has always been in existence. It doesn’t matter how much exposure one has had or education for that matter, women will always fear that men will leave them mainly because they are not good enough if the reasons given are anything to go by.

Men on the other hand, learned or unlearned almost, always fear that a woman’s financial stability is going to change her. Their fears may actually be real in the sense that many women with financial stability, do not seem like the type to be pinned down by the opposite sex. But why in the first place would a man want to pin down a woman?

You see, as a result of our previous conditioning, we got the whole script wrong. In a patriarchal setting, the man definitely has the say. The woman has none. But then, somewhere along the way, the woman discovered that with education and career success, then she could equally have a say and just to prove that she could, she had to act like she could.

Of course this left the men fighting for what they had since grown accustomed to as the norm. And the women on the other hand, fighting for the freedom they had since attained. But then, both sexes need each other like it or not so no matter how much a woman is learned or financially liberated, she would still yearn to feel desirable to the opposite sex.

She can’t admit this however, for fear of appearing desperate despite her status but it is an issue that sometimes gnaws at her. The men on the hand still need to feel respected and needed. So if a woman attains a level where she appears not to need a man and unfortunately in some cases act disrespectful toward the man, then the man is left reeling in shock.

And the power struggle goes on so much, to the point where both sexes have grown mistrustful of each other.

Do you agree?

Performance Turned Tragic

I was reading something I came across earlier in the day that I thought I should share with my readers. Apparently, just this past week, an Indonesian Dangdut singer passed away after being bitten by a king cobra during one of her performances. What makes the story even more unusual is that Irma Bule, the deceased singer, continued performing 45 minutes after the snake bite before collapsing from the effects of the venom. She would later be pronounced dead on arrival at hospital.

A genre of music considered controversial by conservative Muslims in Indonesia as a result of how the singers dress and dance to the music, many young girls venture into this type of music in a bid to overcome their poor backgrounds. An article on http://www.time.com dated April 8th 2016 by Yenni Kwok delves deeper into what would drive a woman with 3 young children, to perform on stage with highly venomous snakes like the king cobra.

Many new singers are young women who come from small towns or poor backgrounds, or both. Like Irma, they tour rural and urban backwaters to earn a living, usually to help support their families, while dreaming of a breakthrough in Indonesia’s pop music scene.

They are usually paid a pittance. According to Irma’s fellow singer, Yeyen, girls get paid around $20 per performance (tips from the audience are extra). But, if they perform on stage with a snake, they get $25. “If there are snake dancers, there will be more audience,” Yeyen told local media. “Therefore … we have snake dancers.”

http://www.time.com/YenniKwok

For Irma Bule, her pursuit of fame and money ended tragically for her when she accidentally stepped on the snake’s tail. In retaliation, the snake bit her on the thigh and the poor singer, assuming it was de-fanged, declined a venom antidote offered to her by one of the snake handlers and continued singing to her death.

Any normal person would be highly uncomfortable attending a concert where live snakes are involved. In Africa, for example, a person who seems too friendly beyond understanding with the reptile is often rumored to be dabbling in witchcraft or branded a witch.

Irma Bule. Photo: You Tube

Irma Bule. Photo: You Tube

 

And while it would be highly unfair to suggest that the audience and Irma herself are abnormal people or witches per se, it is however, quite evident the lengths that poverty can drive a person to go just to overcome it. Similar to how a mother would introduce her own daughter to prostitution, just to put food on the table and justify her actions as trying to survive, is how one would settle on a reptile that can stand to human height when provoked, as a prop for her performances just to attract larger audiences and ultimately more money.

It is unfortunate that what I assume Irma had grown to love to do would be what would signify her end. As bizarre as the story is so is it just as sad.

 

Does Love Constitute Cleaning For Your Boyfriend?

Notice I use the word “boyfriend” and not “your man” because your man, could also be the person you are married to and in such a scenario, cleaning is inevitable really.

ubi.dromhdc.top

ubi.dromhdc.top

I find it pointless really for women who are dating to take it upon themselves to clean their boyfriends’ homes. I come from Africa and in Africa, there is an emphasis on women to prove themselves as worthy wife materials. So what entails wife material you may ask?

Well a wife is a woman who is organized, mature, tidy, ready and capable of bringing forth life and raising children and one who is in a position to take care of a man’s physical needs, nutrition needs as well as his emotional needs, just to give a rough idea of what constitutes wifey material.

I have no problem whatsoever with the characteristics given of a woman who is ready for marriage. After all, someday in future I would love to be accorded the wife and mother status. However, I find it insane really, for a woman who has been in a relationship with a man for say, 1,2,3 months getting down on her knees and scrubbing his floors clean, doing his laundry and just about everything a housekeeper would do on every visit to this man’s house.

Oh, men hate dirty women and I have heard it preached countless times how a dirty girlfriend is such a turn off, repulsive even, for the man she is dating. It is natural for women to be keen on matters hygiene and to ensure that the home reeks of their attention to cleanliness detail, so it is assumed by many of the opposite gender.

Definitely,if this woman is visiting a man she is dating then she should automatically, set out on a mission to ensure that the highest level of cleanliness is attained in his home. Men want to feel like they really do have a woman in their life who would gladly pick up after them, never mind that the relationship’s future hasn’t yet been ascertained. And women would gladly go along with it because in African culture, having wife qualities is such an inherent need.

I tend to find this kind of reasoning so oppressive to the female gender. There’s an option of a woman to visit her boyfriend and actually not do the overall cleaning thing that is kind of, always, secretly expected of her to do. There’s also the right of a woman not to be branded lazy, just because she ignored the pile of dirty laundry sitting in her boyfriend’s laundry basket, the dusty shoes in the corner and the greasy utensils in the sink.

I mean, if this man is old enough to get his own bachelor pad then he is definitely old enough to take care of his cleaning. Expecting a woman he is dating to come and do it for him is akin to him justifying the fact that he is indeed the one who is lazy and incapable of picking up after himself.

If a man would visit my place then I do not expect him to do my cleaning and cooking for me. The same should be applied to a man whose girlfriend pays him a visit. Women are thoroughly turned on by a bachelor pad that is well kept. We will always give a man a 10/10 for having this spotless, fresh space that is well organized. It just goes on to prove to us that it is not always the woman’s duty to organize a man.

So if indeed this man decides to be untidy on purpose just to have his girlfriend do it for him because that’s her “duty” as a woman to prove to him how much of a wife material she is, then it turns out they eventually break up, would it have been of any sense at all for the cleaning she had to do each and every weekend?

If a woman chooses to tidy up her boyfriend’s place, then that’s her personal choice. Perhaps she has weighed her own pros and cons and has since ascertained that the pros outweigh the cons in doing it. However, I shall never be one to pat her on the back for taking up duties, that should have been reserved for later if the relationship eventually morphs into a lifetime one.

There’s a very thin line between gestures of love and transforming into a man’s washer woman. If at all this man’s intention of dating me was to offer me a housekeeping type of employment in addition to the whole package that comes with dating, then I would rather take the high road.

I’m not one who would visit a man and not lift a finger. My womanly nature would not allow me even, to ignore utensils that need washing after dinner. However, I’m equally not a woman who would spend the better part of her Saturday, covered in soap suds as I busily do a home makeover for a man who clearly has issues with being tidy.

That is not my duty to make him tidy. It is equally not my duty to prove to him how much of a good wife material I can make. Any man intending to get hitched to a particular woman in future, would have already seen all of her wifely qualities beforehand. This idea of “prove to me” is only but an excuse of being patriarchal.

Your thoughts?