Any woman who has ever heard such declarations from a man she was in love with, might probably know how much we go into denial mode. We immediately start convincing ourselves that if we continued to love and support this man, maybe just maybe, eventually he will want to be in a relationship with us. And we try our level best to show him just how much of a good girlfriend (wife even!) material we are. Only for him to still one day repeat more clearly “I don’t want to be in a relationship.”
“You’ve been a wonderful person to me, you’ve stood by me, but I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.”
And just like an unfortunate collapse of a building, you feel all your hopes, fantasies and dreams with this man, crumbling all around you. You start wondering why all this time he treated you like a girlfriend yet he didn’t have enough feelings for you to become exclusive with you. You feel like you have just been taken for a ride and cheated.
At times you can’t even differentiate between the feelings of despair and anger you feel at the same time. It’s almost like they are intertwined. You may even get into an argument with this man over it and then because soon enough, you realize that it’s pointless being enemies, you decide to come to an amicable agreement and part ways.
The feeling is even worse when you had grown so used to him as a boyfriend. When you had shared with your friends already how much of a wonderful man he was to you. And when it so happened that in a long time, you hadn’t encountered a man who treated you with that much care and respect like he did.
It’s even more confusing, when he doesn’t act like a downright jerk while telling you his stand in this association you have now been having for a while. You unwillingly find yourself secretly wishing he had just acted like all the jerks you’ve ever encountered before, who suddenly cut communication and disappeared from the face of the earth.
That way, it would have been much easier for you to hate him, rather than battle these feelings you are now battling because like it or not, you still harbor a soft spot for this man and more so, since he did not treat you so carelessly while parting ways with you.
I have been there before and experienced that kind of conflict within myself when something, I had envisioned in my imagination as being super awesome, turned out to not be so super awesome after all. There are times where I even convinced myself that this man will eventually meet all kinds of Cruella de vils and finally realize just how much of a Snow White I was and came back to me.
All those times, I constantly held on to the hope that a man who had clearly stated that he did not want to be in a relationship with me, would eventually snap out of his “foolishness” and come back to me, I learnt the hard way, that he may just NEVER come back.
Instead, he may probably meet other ladies who fancy a no strings attached relationship and don’t push him to commit to them like I did. Then eventually, of his own accord, he may chance upon that one woman, who would immediately snap him out of his issues and have him decide that she’s the one. And that woman, wouldn’t be from his past (as I happen to be a part of his past too) but from his very present time.
And so ladies, stop holding on to a man who is not willing to love you back like you love him. Stop trying to initiate conversation with him because you only end up looking desperate. As a matter of fact, you stand to lose nothing if you cut all links with that kind of a man for good.
It’s already clear knowledge that people who have been intimate before or had some ‘more of a friend’ kind of situation, find it near impossible reverting back to just being friends. Trust me, that turmoil you are in at the moment, because you can’t quite wrap your head around his refusal to commit to you, will not easily go away.
And as much as you may pretend to be friends for a while, resentment will build up to the point where you will see no logic in this facade you are putting up of friendship. You will start getting angry for no reason at this man for stringing you along. You will still hope that it works out and he finally commits, but the harsh truth is that he will get into a comfort zone and in fact, NEVER commit.
Dear ladies, stop being soothers of men who have just come out of a nasty break up with another woman. You risk such kind of a scenario if at all you decide to give him a shoulder to lean on and a warm bed, those evenings when his feelings of loneliness overtake him. It is more painful when a man declares that the reason why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, is because he still loves his ex or has unresolved issues with his ex.
It is much more worse when you have already let your guard down around this man and slept with him a couple of times. All in the hope that he will feel that emotional connection you felt and forget his ex for good, who according to the stories you have heard, was not even a match to you, in terms of how well you have been treating this man.
There is no need harboring ill feelings toward a woman (his ex) whom you have never even met, just because her candle still burns in this man’s heart. Do yourself a favor girl and let him be. There are so many other men out there, willing to be exclusive with a woman and it will only be a matter of time, before you chance upon one with whom you will be compatible.
Don’t allow an undecided man be the cause of your misery.
With Love from a Proudly Feminist 🙂