Month: November 2015

Are You Involved With A Sexual Abuser?

Now that there are so many cases of domestic violence being reported on a daily basis, I decided to touch on a rather sensitive subject. That of sexual abuse in relationships and marriages. And while a section of people hotly contest that there is no such thing as sexual abuse particularly in marriages, I tend to disagree. If it makes you feel degraded, humiliated and a nobody then it is definitely sexual abuse whether in a marital or non-marital union.

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One of the websites I visited http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html, clearly outlines the many forms of sexual abuse in a relationship. Some of them were surprisingly familiar to me as things I have heard of in the past and never thought of them as that serious.

The website categorically states that one of the earliest warnings of sexual abuse is excessive jealousy and derogatory attitude toward women generally. There are cultures which actually participate in instilling a derogatory attitude toward women in men. This greatly influences negatively, the sex attitudes that the men have. In such societies, women are hardly accorded the respect they deserve. Women are treated as beings incapable of making decisions for themselves including decisions concerning their own bodies. Women are relegated to the roles of giving birth, taking care of children, running the home and satisfying the husband’s needs.

Women are only to be seen and not heard. If she speaks up, then she deserves to be silenced and often harshly. Women in such societies will watch in dismay, while their husbands marry other wives and bring them to the same compound automatically expecting all the women to live in harmony. In such societies, women have been socialized to suppress any negative emotions they might experience but only comply silently to what is the norm. Sadly, a woman in such a situation may not even realize it when she is being sexually abused in a marriage.

The author goes further to expound that sexual abusers will force you into sexual acts you are not comfortable in or that leave you feeling disgusted. I read in horror quit recently, about a Kenyan woman whose husband assaulted her physically in the home, then proceeded to rape her in front of her children and househelp. All those people contesting that there is no such thing as marital rape better open their eyes to this.

Yet another woman, in a certain talk show I watched, talked about a husband who would purchase stripper attire for her so that she could entertain him sexually in them. She had never been comfortable with it yet had to do it because her husband forced her to. Sex and sexual acts I believe have to be consensual. If one party is unwilling to go along with it or feels degraded doing it then there is no other word to describe it other than sexual abuse.

Some sexual abusers want us to cover up in public, others want us to wear provocative or sexy clothing so that they can show off their conquests to other men is yet another point I found quite important in the same article I was poring over. We sometimes take it lightly when a man we have just started seeing immediately embarks on dictating our style. Quite a number of women can confess to a point in their lives where they were dating someone, who kept on insisting that they needed to dress in a certain way. Others have been encouraged to show more skin and curves even though some may not be comfortable portraying themselves in such a manner.

There is nothing to be dismissed about a control freak. If he did not like the manner in which you dressed, he should not have shown an interest to date you in the first place. We meet and fall in love with people who are compatible to us therefore comfortable with how we are as individuals. Someone who requires you to change drastically was never your compatible in the first place. Women should be highly cautious of men who want them to be something they are not.

They will ask us about our previous sexual partners and encounters then call us sluts or throw sexual indiscretions back at us as proof of our being sluts. Another outlined red flag.

I once did a post http://www.definitelylorna.wordpress.com/ladies-there-is-absolutely-nothing-wrong-with-having-a-chequered-relationship-history where I talked at length about men who want to know about a woman’s sexual past. Again, culture contributes greatly to this chauvinistic view in men. In some societies, men are allowed to pursue sexual conquests all in a bid to prove themselves as being more manly. Women are expected to be pure.

In changing times, we have single mothers raising their children singlehandedly because of one reason or another. We have women who have delayed in getting married. So if all men were to employ this attitude of questioning a woman’s sexual past then using it to judge her present, we will have so many women walking around with dented self images.

I’m not an advocate of promiscuity, far from it! But a man who is keen on finding out about a woman’s sexual past only to use it to degrade her, has no business being with that woman in the first place. Last time I checked, we didn’t ask men about their sexual past which they hardly discuss.

Controlling our body for his sexual gratification. An example is given of a man who will not allow you to breastfeed your child because your breasts will sag therefore be undesirable to him. I once heard of a case where a woman had visited a hospital because one of her breasts was ailing. The reason, as a breastfeeding mum, her husband had forbade her from breastfeeding the child with one breast exclusively reserved for him. We laughed it off then, dismissing it as people who were not exposed little did we know that it is only an abuser who would do that to his wife.

Sexual abusers will be unfaithful on purpose. Always cheating on you with different women therefore, exposing you to sexually transmitted diseases and the HIV virus. Your feelings won’t matter to them and they may accuse you of pushing them to do it with your so called “inadequacies”. Abusers often times employ the reverse psychology to deflect blame from them. The end result is a victim who cannot trust her own judgment and intuition. Worst case scenario is when he infects you with something and won’t take responsibility for it.

Yet other signs of sexual abuse according to the website that I decided to summarize in one paragraph, was the abuser refusing to take responsibility for birth control. He may refuse to wear a condom or remove it during intercourse because it supposedly irritates him or hinders his enjoyment. If you ended up pregnant, he would then proceed to accuse you of purposely getting pregnant to trap him then demand/ force you to procure an abortion. If you are lucky enough to get to keep the pregnancy, he will show no respect for you while pregnant by tearing your bodily changes apart, calling you fat and avoiding any forms of affection and intimacy toward you during that stage.

Indeed many women have found themselves in this dilemma. Contraceptive use should not only be a woman’s affair. If he doesn’t want to be a father yet, then he should equally participate in ensuring that you don’t also end up a mother. Women have suffered crude forms of rejection for the sole crime of getting pregnant. Take the above paragraph as a warning sign to quickly break it off with such a character.

Withholding sex and affection. Beware of men who will withhold sex and affection to supposedly punish you for some wrong or men who always want to be in control of the timing of sex. Such men will dismiss a woman for being slutty or hypersexualized if at all she happens to at times be the first to initiate intercourse. They may even feign lack of interest then, just to humiliate her further as in their view, it should only be on their own terms. Sex should not be equated to a negotiating tool and more so, by a person claiming to love you or who is married to you.

Fondling us in public places in the presence of our friends and family. Sexual abusers thrive on degrading their victims. They may continually touch us in ways we do not like despite us voicing our dislike. They may see no need to hide their overly casual view of you and subconsciously display to others just how much they are lacking in respect for you. You are not a sex toy. Therefore, any man who wants to grope and fondle you in full view of the public and people who are important to you, is not only displaying sheer arrogance but communicating his abuser tendencies to you and the rest.

No man in his right mind who truly loved and respected a woman would touch her inappropriately in full view of others. I think this is where many of us go wrong. We equate being groped and fondled in public as too much admiration for our bodies, that your man cannot help himself. As a matter of fact, he can! He only sees no need to because he does not value you as much as you value him.

Taking intimate photos and films. Before you decide to agree to filming an intimate moment with your man, you need to ask yourself these questions, “Is it necessary?”, “Do I want this on film?”, “What are the implications of doing this?” 

We tend to engage in these seemingly harmless activities, only to have our nude photos splashed all over the internet by a jilted lover or our sex tapes leaked online. Quite recently, there was a video of a Kenyan lady being violated sexually by a man she thought was her boyfriend. I never got to watch the video but I learnt that more than one man was involved.

Any man who asks you to take pictures in the nude and send them to him very early on in the relationship should be avoided at all costs. So is the man who insists on filming every intimate session you have together. If you are not comfortable with it, please do not go along with it. Many sly abusers will coerce you into doing something you do not want to, with claims of everyone doing it nowadays and declarations that if you don’t, they will leave.

You are not a pornstar. Therefore, do not give anyone the mandate to treat you as one just because you are scared he might leave you if you do not comply. It is your dignity that matters and trust me, once you jeopardize that dignity, it will be hard to regain it. The abuser does not care about the consequences. He is only getting a high from it.

 

It should be noted however, that abusers are people in need of help, but only if they recognize that they have a problem themselves and are willing to get help for it. It is not a mandate for the victims of abusers to try and help the abuser change. If you are experiencing abuse, run before it is too late.

Heavily sourced from www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html. Additional text from the author of definitelylorna.wordpress.com

Is Oversexualization Of Women Another Form Of Feminism?

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I’ve quite recently developed a heightened interest in the oversexualization of women. I have gone ahead and done some considerable amount of reading on the subject, just to find out what other people think of it in relation to feminism and I must admit that, the opinions are varied. Some think that a woman who is in control of her sexuality is the epitome of feminism. The name Nicki Minaj floats about in the above reasoning. Others think it’s just downright raunchy to use your body to sell your music or to capture the attention of the opposite sex.

I was mortified to discover that young children of the female gender are also being oversexualized. Reminds me of a certain blog I was reading, where a mother of a little girl was debating with herself on whether to get her child a two piece swimming costume or just the usual one piece. She thought that the two piece type was inappropriately mature for her little one, considering the fact that she was quite tall for her age and ended up settling for the one piece type. Good choice mum! Now that I know that little girls are equally being oversexualized, I salute mothers who want to protect their children from it.

Well, I’m a fan of the likes of Nicki Minaj and Rihanna. I think that they are highly talented women. There’s not one single song of Rihanna’s that I don’t like. However, some of their music videos literally get me blushing. These women are not at all ashamed of their bodies which is a wonderful thing really. Many women struggle with body issues. Some won’t even dream of getting intimate with their spouses with the lights on, as a result of the insecurities with their bodies which plague them.

In this era where sex supposedly sells, do not expect a secular music video having a woman who is covered up. It’s more like “Show ’em what you got!” and these gorgeous and equally, enterprising women seem not to mind if they come across as oversexualized in their line of work. I used to wonder what an advertisement spread of a watchmaking company in a magazine, had to do with a naked woman. We see a lot of that. A perfume advert with a naked woman to go with it.

Couldn’t they have thought of something else creative as part of the advert? Why mostly a bare back of a female going all the way down to her bum area or sensual lips? Well, sex, as it has come to be drummed into us, sells. So whether there is any relation to a watch advert and a naked woman or a car advert and a skimpily dressed woman in the poster, we just have to take it in as the target market, no questions asked.

A woman who seems to be comfortable and courageous with her sexuality according to some, is a highly strong woman. She does not conform to what society thinks is the right way to conduct things. She is capable of using her body in whatever way she likes without feeling any shame for it. The argument goes further to state that women have for years been made to feel shame for their sexuality. But a woman who dresses provocatively or acts in a sexually provocative manner for herself or to feel good about herself, while not factoring the male in mind, is considered a feminist of sorts.

Sorry, but I beg to differ.

It is indeed true that for years, women have been made to feel shame about their sexuality. I once tackled this subject lengthily in one of my posts http://www.definitelylorna.wordpress.com/are-men-dangerous-or-simply-different?? Men have in the past been painted to look like people who have no control whatsoever, of their carnal desires and it is therefore a woman’s fault for provoking it. We were required to cover up so that we wouldn’t entice the men or tempt them into getting sexual thoughts.

At the time I was doing that post, there was a wave of women who were supposedly inappropriately dressed, being stripped naked and shamed on the streets of Nairobi. I personally did not think that the men had been given any mandate by anyone, to teach women who couldn’t seem to dress in our “conservative” way, a lesson on decency. I put conservative in quotes because there are so many ills taking place in our country, to concentrate on a woman who is wearing a short dress. And most African women are naturally voluptuous so something above the knee definitely enhances this.

My only concern however, when women feel the need to finally embrace their sexuality despite what society feels or dictates, is whether they are portraying the right image to the women of tomorrow. The women of tomorrow are the young girls who are still growing. I believe that feminism is a cause that is meant to impact the future generations positively. There are women in some countries in the world, who nowadays participate in voting in the general elections, because a feminist somewhere stood up against the exclusion of women, from pivotal decision making of the country they were citizens of.

There are women who have been allowed to get an education because a feminist somewhere was vocal about the importance of educating the girl child. A feminist somewhere championed the building of more schools that would enroll the girl child and therefore empower her. The only impact I see with the oversexualization of women and women who are willing to go along with it, is young girls lifting up their skirts and posing in their innerwear just because their music idols do it. Young girls taking provocative selfies for social media with the main intention of getting more followers, admirers, likes and comments.

We are teaching the women of tomorrow to use their bodies for so many benefits including getting jobs in organizations. We are not teaching them to use their abilities. We are teaching them a shortcut to everything and a very sly shortcut for that matter. A woman’s sexuality is indeed powerful. We don’t have to strip naked and twerk like there’s no tomorrow just to make an impact with our sexuality. But then, we live in a society that glorifies sex and will definitely try to justify the parading of a woman’s assets as some other form of feminism.

 

 

Are You A Confident Woman??

I once skimmed through one of Joyce Meyer’s books, The Confident Woman and I was literally surprised by her definition of a woman considered confident.

By all standards, I could not be described as confident at the time. I was struggling with friends, family, relationships… plus it was ever so hard for me, to stand up for myself, if I didn’t like something. It almost seemed like I had given everybody a free pass, to trample all over me while I was left there battling my negative emotions.

At that point in time, I was a very miserable person and it often times showed. People would avoid me because one thing or another was depressing me to the point where I failed to be good company. It was actually by miracle, that I stumbled upon this particular book and decided to go through it judging by the fact that, I’m not so big on motivational books.

Just the other day, I was reading a certain feature on the newspaper, where readers submit a pressing, personal issue and this expert on relationships, dishes out advice that is Christian based. One of the women who had written to him was obviously battling a bad on and off relationship yet, she clearly stated in her letter, that she knew the man in question loved her and she was scared that if she left him, she was never going to find another to love her the way he does.

A confident woman does not equate bad treatment to love, period! Hard to take I know, but the truth.

We hold on to people who do not deserve us because we are not entirely confident with our abilities. We tolerate friends who are obviously taking advantage of us by all means yet, we are still not entirely confident to stand up for ourselves and put an end to the drama. Confident people are not people pleasers. They are not mean, obnoxious people who irritate everyone around them with their negative energy. Rather, they are people who know what they want and are not fearful to state it.

When a woman suffers a bout of low confidence, it equally interferes with her esteem. Indeed many people, male or female, suffering from extremely low self esteem at the same time lack in confidence. Low confidence is the root of women tearing each other apart. Many times, women who are lacking in confidence feel highly intimidated by their counterparts, who seem to be quite confident with themselves.

When they see another being able to stand up for herself, climb the career ladder steadily due to her confidence levels, appear highly content and confident in her skin, their inadequacies go into over drive. They then subconsciously embark on a sabotage mission. Most women can attest to the fact that, those other females who appear confident and sure of themselves are mostly, the subjects of snide remarks behind their backs and nasty gossip.

There is no school that can teach one on how to be confident. We are actually our own teachers. Perhaps we can start by accepting ourselves the way we are, looks and all. Let’s put the words “UGLY”, “INCAPABLE” and “NOT DESERVING” out of our minds. Let’s stop thriving on comparison.

We of the female gender are highly guilty of comparing ourselves to others of the same gender. We cultivate low confidence levels and jealousy by constantly looking over the hedge, to see if the grass is greener. Indeed the grass almost always appears greener on the other side even when it is only an illusion.

Let’s stop listening to whatever opinions others have of our own abilities. They may equally be secretly battling low confidence and therefore, projecting their fearful view of life to us. If we constantly internalize what everyone says about us, then we are going to have a very long list of mostly “CAN’Ts” which greatly affects our confidence.

Confidence can be elusive. It is fragile. We need to guard it.

By guarding our confidence levels, we do not have to develop a defensive attitude toward what others are saying. Other people will always have an opinion of sorts. Some will genuinely give it while others will give it maliciously. We need to learn to sift between genuine opinions and opinions intended to shred us off the little confidence we have gathered.

Women need confidence in their relationships with the opposite sex. It beats my logic why we are ever so fearful of breaking off a relationship that is obviously doing us more harm than good. Are we really aware of what we deserve from men? What is our definition of love? If this is not a marital union, then why are we sticking around when we are being cheated on, beaten, disrespected and controlled?

A confident woman will not stay in a relationship that brings the worst out of her. A relationship that makes her miserable and unsure of herself and her future. A confident woman is not scared to be single. If you are looking for security from the opposite sex, then the mere thought of being single will scare the shit out of you. Sadly, a huge number of women seek security from the opposite sex and it is not entirely their fault.

They may have suffered an absentee dad in their lives, sexual abuse from those who were supposed to genuinely love and protect them, divorced parents, domestic violence or were orphaned young. We do grow up and become adults capable of taking care of ourselves but some of the deeply inflicted scars in our lives do not completely heal. If as a woman you find yourself constantly clinging onto bad treatment and lacking the confidence to walk away from it all, then you need to really ask yourself some hard questions. You need to revisit your past and try to work on it, in order to make sense of the present.

Confidence does not come overnight. If I were to state that I’m fully confident at the moment then it would be a white lie. I still have those moments where I tolerate something I shouldn’t, where I agree to someone’s opinion while knowing very well that whatever is being preached is not something I conform to…heck! I’m still female and being confident every day, week and month is not our thing. However, with constant positivity and practice, I know that confidence can be achieved.

So, are you a confident woman??

 

26 Things Every Woman Should Have Learnt About Relationships By 26

1.You are probably still single because of a certain pattern of men you subconsciously seek.

2.Your exes served their purpose therefore, they are absolute NO-NOs.

3.Your boyfriend is not your daddy and never will be.

4.Tall, dark and handsome does not translate into good loving.

5.Paranoia only makes you look disturbed mentally :0

6.Marking your territory in a man’s house under the guise of forgetfulness is absurd and more so, if you   two have not even defined your relationship. Take your earrings, panties, blouse, purse…you name it,     with you next time you visit.

7. Showing up at a man’s house to do the washing, dusting and scrubbing doesn’t automatically            transform you into wife material. If he’s not serious with you, you are probably his housekeeper.

8. If he calls you only when he wants sex, you are his booty call.

9. If he keeps on whining about an ex who left him while seeing you, you are his rebound girl.

10. Love is not blind. Infatuation is.

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11. If you are dating a married man, he will NEVER leave his wife for you.

12. If your life revolves around your boyfriend, you were probably lacking in one before you met him.

13. Unless you are a pornstar shooting a porn scene, then your excessively loud moans in bed are disrupting your neighbors’ peace.

14. If he doesn’t love you, he will NEVER commit.

15. Your workmates will try to hook you up with fellow workmates if they know you are single, who in your opinion, are hardly your type because you are now fully aware of your type.

 

16. You’ve probably heard this phrase being thrown your way a couple of times, “don’t stay too long without settling” as if your expiry date is looming! But you are not entirely fazed by it.

17. You can smell a sex hungry man from miles away and you definitely are NOT going to give in.

18. A bad relationship is not worth pursuing.

19. Chasing after men is a sign of desperation.

20. Men are attracted to a woman who is sure of herself and equally in control of herself.

21. Break ups hurt but they don’t do so forever.

22. Men are poor communicators. Women are highly expressive of their emotions.

23. Giving too much, too soon in a relationship, only sheds light on your personal insecurities.

24. If he wants to cheat, your hawk eyed gaze won’t stop him. He’s probably not worth it.

25. Your man probably doesn’t know your favorite color.

26. You will know the one once you finally meet him.

The African Woman’s Natural Hair Diaries

Let’s talk about the African woman’s natural hair.

Forget about the amazing, edited photos we see online of African women with sleek, black “natural” hair braided into cornrows or held up in fancy hairstyles, that make you somehow insecure with your own mane. As a matter of fact, I tried my level best just to find authentic, natural hair images from the Internet for this post.

Let’s talk about our own African, natural hair as we know it. Kinky, often times unmanageable, which hardly grows to our desired lengths or if it does, then thanks to our blessed genes. Let’s face the real truth of our African hair from a feminist perspective.

African natural hair comes with its bagful of challenges.

In my country Kenya, for example, some of the communities famed to have nearly all of their women with naturally long, soft, manageable hair happen to notably be the Maasai, Samburu, Somali and communities from Northern Kenya such as the Borana, Gabra and the likes. Other women from other communities who may possess such kind of hair, considered beautiful by many, may attribute it to familial genes.

As a clarification of my statements above, there are African women with naturally, long, soft hair doesn’t matter from which community they come from, (though there are those from communities that have a distinct hair texture) and African women as well, with kinky, shorter hair.

A shy but beautiful Samburu woman. Photo courtesy of http://www.beontheroad.com

For most of my life, I have struggled with hair. It is the kinky type. The one that a blow dryer cannot even manage. It has it’s good days and oh, so many bad days, that I would be forced to tie a turban to avoid the embarrassment of a bad hair day. I have been tempted to perm it before. I have actually gone ahead and had my hair chemically processed, just to avoid the hassle of natural hair which shrinks when it comes into contact with water.

Please do not be fooled by the picture below. This is my natural hair at its finest. There are days when I swore I would shave it all off and I know many African women secretly struggle with hair issues. We just don’t say it aloud because we believe that we are past that stage of constantly fretting about hair. But then it is a known fact that hair makes a woman. How a woman wears her hair determines her whole look. We look different every time we come from a salon which is proof of this.

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Good Hair Day Image Of My Own Natural Hair

 

There is a contributing factor to this struggle with our hair though. Society long came up with a gauge of what is considered beautiful and what is considered not beautiful. Africans have sadly endured periods of oppression in the past, where their oppressors appeared to have “better” hair, “better” looks and “better” opportunities than them. We were socialized to find something wrong with ourselves from our way of life, to our looks. We developed a desire to emulate what was considered ideal. If we didn’t achieve it, we felt at a loss on what to do and our insecurities set in.

I’m not employing a victim mentality by stating the above, far from it! However, most of the insecurities that African women have with their hair, is mainly due to the fact that it does not grow to amazing lengths, it is not soft and flowy like that of their Caucasian counterparts. The end result is African women trying to achieve the long, flowy hair look by donning weaves and chemically processing our hair.

And while I have no issue whatsoever with weaves and permed hair ( remember, I have equally tried both in the recent past), my perspective on this is that as African women, we have not taken our time to really understand the intricacies of our hair. We only find the need to take really good care of our hair once it is chemically processed, because there are consequences for ignoring a permed head. When it is in it’s natural state, we assume that a full blow dry will do.

Convincing an African woman to treat natural hair with wholesome hair treatments would be like convincing a tired mule to transport heavy luggage. The only hair treatment we deem appropriate for natural hair, is washing it with a shampoo we assume will take care of everything and using hair oil during our blow dry sessions. We at times tend to neglect our hair lines, which break with every braiding and twisting session at the salon, only noticing there is a huge problem once the damage is already done. The blow dryers with their heat do no justice to our scalp.

Braided African hair. Image courtesy of nappilyjenny.blogspot.com

However, all hope is not totally lost as in recent times, an ever increasing number of African women are opting to take really good care of their natural manes. Some are ditching the weaves for their well kept kinky dos and the results are truly amazing. An African woman with a full head of black, natural, kinky hair is a sight to behold. We all have admired the afros of the 70s era that our parents rocked. The same hasn’t changed in this era. An African afro is our identity and will still be our identity for decades to come.

African women need only five remedies to fully appreciate their natural hair:

  • Take time to study your natural hair.
  • Understand your natural hair and what works for it.
  • Embrace your natural hair, short or long, kinky or soft with no comparisons to another’s.
  • Fiercely love it.
  • Take good care of it.

Ethiopian hair. Image Courtesy of http://www.pinterest.com

Remember, how a woman chooses to wear her hair reflects a lot about her personality. All these unattainable targets we set for our hair are not necessary. The versatility of natural African hair is that it can be braided into so many different styles and as much as we love our weaves, the hair underneath is what will always matter. So make a mental note to always and I mean ALWAYS, take good care of it.

Our kinky, curly and knotty heads are our identities. Columnist, Carol Odero, on today’s Sunday Nation, clearly attests to this with her article on hair. We got to rock these manes we’ve got!

How Not To Get An Easy Lay

I had a very interesting encounter just two or three days back.

I met someone for the first time, for a very short while. He seemed decent enough, maybe a bit shifty, a professional most definitely, because he had a business card to go with it. We exchanged numbers and I didn’t think much about it because there are those people you meet and exchange numbers with, only to communicate again several weeks or months later.  I thought he would be one of those contacts. Turns out this one had something up his sleeve.

That same evening, I got a call from him. Oh well, maybe he wanted to confirm if my phone number was indeed authentic and not a fake. I let it slide. The following day I got another call from him. This one was a bit awkward because he hang up on me. I didn’t pay much attention to it because like I said, I wasn’t up to frequent communication with a total stranger. The third day he called yet again, asking what I was up to for the evening. I told him I had been feeling a bit under the weather (I was actually ill, story for another day) and was therefore indoors.

Suddenly, this total stranger decides to suggest that he takes me out for the evening but with a condition, we are spending the night together. Trust me, I was appalled. Mind you, our first meeting had been very formal. No flirtatious body language or something of the sort that you would expect to drive someone to think sexually of you. Obviously unperturbed by my immediate reaction in the negative, this man continued to inquire from me whether he should book a room. And that my readers, was a very short lived encounter of mine with a stranger out for an easy lay.

It got me thinking about the numerous ways that a section of men get it all wrong when it comes to getting laid. First of all, before you decide to treat any random woman you meet like a slut, you need to really question your sexual integrity. I actually did feel insulted to some point that this equally random stranger, had decided to pick on me to be the one to satiate his desires. I hadn’t even done anything to warrant it but that did not stop him from shamelessly suggesting that we go to a lodging.

Dear Men out for easy lays, do not think that by being so obvious with your ill advised intentions, you are acting all macho. You are actually making a fool of yourself and attracting sarcastic remarks from your intended target, aimed at putting you back in your place and with good reason. No dignified woman in her right mind, would agree to meet up with a man who straight forwardly suggested that sex would be involved.

I think men have deluded themselves into thinking that the whole woman fraternity nowadays, has lost every last shred of dignity it possessed, just by looking at the changing dynamics of the dating world. Indeed, quite a number of men would confidently state that women of this era, do not care whoever they sleep with as long as they get something monetary in return. Perhaps this is actually true but to use it as a justification to act like total jerks toward unsuspecting women, is only warped.

Easy lays do not play hard to get. As a matter of fact, you can smell an easy lay from miles away just from how she acts flirtatiously and seductively around you. She does not see the need to be discreet with her intentions and she actually does not consider herself an easy lay as men tend to think. She may even consider herself a go getter! Someone who always gets any man she lays her eyes on and decides that she is really interested in. Easy lays as you may like to call them, you will discover, do not conform to what society deems appropriate sexually. They are proud of their sexuality and see no need to hide that fact.

Perhaps we call them easy lays because they will not give you that 90 day rule crap, that men so hate before getting all kinky with you. Men like to pretend that they hate time limits when it comes to sex, but the minute a woman lets her guard down and sleeps with a man within a week or a day of knowing him, then the man is ready to take off as fast as possible since she was an easy lay. Beats my logic at times *chuckle*.

So in short, if you are looking for an easy lay, stop disrespecting women who have no intention whatsoever of getting between the sheets with you. Stop pointing hypocritical fingers at women who give it up too quick and simply go along with the flow. Last time I checked, sex involved two people. I wonder then why only one party often times gets castigated for having sex too soon.

If you are looking for a sexual thrill with a stranger, then get a hooker. Do not at any point think that the pretty woman you met, while having coffee at an establishment she works in during the day, will be up to joining you in a lodging later in the evening. She may be somebody’s wife, a mother, a committed girlfriend, engaged, celibate. Your choice of her is actually totally wrong. Just because she flashed you a smile and served you your coffee well, does not translate into her offering the same kind of sexual services.

Dear Men out for easy lays, your lewd assumptions about a woman you barely know speaks volumes about you. It simply sheds light on your misogynist views that you think women can be treated as toys and play things. Learn to read the signs from a woman who is equally interested in a sexual thrill because if you pay keen attention, you won’t definitely miss it. All of your obnoxious tricks at getting easy lays are actually making you not get laid.

 

Women Have A Right Not To Be Battered

Anti domestic violence poster, Tanzania. Photo courtesy of http://www.spraguephoto.com

Translation: Abuse of women is outdated! Women have a right not to be battered!

Is it only me or there is a sudden increase of women coming out on social media off late, as unfortunate victims of domestic violence? The latest, being one I saw today upon logging in to my Facebook account.

I’m not yet married. Have never experienced any kind of violence before, thank God, in any of my relationships. So I can’t quite confidently state that, I understand the full magnitude of a battered woman’s feelings.

However, I can confidently state that I’m not an advocate for domestic violence against women. I’m not one who will advocate for a boyfriend to beat up a girlfriend. I’m not one who is going to agree to whatever warped ideas that society and culture have adopted concerning the battery of women. Nobody can convince me whatsoever that women need to be disciplined battered from time to time. But despite my strong feelings towards this phenomenon, women continue to be victims of domestic violence on a daily basis.

The worst bit is that society has since socialized itself to accept this as a normal occurrence. If a woman decides to come out and speak up against the abuse she is enduring at the hands of her husband or boyfriend, a section of people are still going to judge her secretly or openly even! If the man in question is wealthy, some are going to put blame on her for wanting to marry rich or date rich, therefore being deserving of the mistreatment.

A couple of women too, (do not be surprised) are going to think that she’s just airing dirty linen in public for nothing and that it’s probably her fault for making a wrong choice with this man in the first place. Far from it! Nobody going through domestic violence should be branded a coward or poor at making decisions on whom to marry or date.

Some of these ugly traits in a spouse or partner rear their heads once the relationship has fully progressed. By then the victim is in too deep that the thought of walking out, elicits all forms of questions that are too hard to answer for this person. Perhaps there are children involved and the perpetrator fully provides for his children. Perhaps this woman went against her parents’ wishes when marrying this man. Perhaps she’s jobless and therefore financially unstable. You cannot therefore point fingers at this woman for being cowardly in such a situation.

Being from Africa, I have full knowledge that tradition plays a huge role in contributing to the normalization of the battery of women. There is a joke in my country, that goes something in the lines of, “In a certain community, when a woman stays for like a year, without her husband raising a hand to beat the crap out of her, then she gets highly dissatisfied because she interprets that to mean that he does not love her.”

This is actually a sick joke in its entirety. It is indeed retrogressive to equate love to battery because someone who truly loves you cannot raise a hand to you no matter the disagreement. It is a joke intended to give the men the go ahead to clobber women, with a justification of them loving those women. It is a joke intended to make women feel the need to be battered as a form of being given attention.

Whether it is a joke or a half truth for that matter, there are many societies that actually have no issue with domestic violence against women. Societies which interpret submission to a husband, as a wife cowering in fear while a husband barks orders at her or rains blows on her head. When women get to that point where they are empowered enough to speak up against mistreatment in the home, they are then branded in-disciplined. I then wonder who gave such kinds of men the mandate to discipline grown women as if their own parents never did that in the first place.

When young boys grow up in homes where their fathers constantly beat up their mothers, they are socialized to see it as normal. Some of them may share in the pain of their mothers and vow never to raise a hand to a woman in their lifetimes, but many internalize it as an act of manliness. Many find it necessary to emulate their fathers since according to them, it brought order to the home. Such men grow up lacking in any ounce of respect for women, because they made a conscious decision to follow in the footsteps of their fathers, who can be forgiven for being backward and for conforming to retrogressive, cultural thinking of their era.

Once a man sees domestic violence against a woman as a non-issue, then it eventually morphs into a psychological problem, unbeknownst to him. It will get to a point where no dispute in the home can be handled without getting physical. If the woman is unlucky enough to take it the first time it happens, then it will happen again and again.

Those people who view women coming out to speak up against the domestic violence they are enduring as lame, should know that they are equally advocating for the manifestation of deep psychological issues from the perpetrator. Nobody in his right mind can beat the mother of his child/children to a pulp. It is actually not a normal occurrence to constantly exhibit violent tendencies. It is something that needs to be checked by a psychologist forget what culture, tradition and society may state.

Women in physically abusive relationships need to be supported. They do not need castigation or laughter, God forbid. They need our help, those of us in better places, in order to feel courageous enough to get out of a violent relationship or liaison. They need to know that they have that strength within to start all over again, no matter how broken they might feel. More so, they need our love. A love that is not with hidden agenda or laced with connotations of suppression.

Let’s put an end to domestic violence against women.

 

 

I Have A Crush On Someone And I’m Handling It.

The beauty of being way past teenage hood is that you start understanding that crushes are fickle. You still get them once in a while, but they do not rule your life as much as they ruled it back then, when you were 14 or 16.

I have a crush on someone. Hahaha, fancy me admitting that on my blog.

It’s someone I interact with. Someone I have no chance whatsoever of ever having something with. Mostly, because he has someone solid in his life. But he’s tall, chocolate and all that. Every African woman’s dream. Tall, dark (not quite dark in his case) and handsome.

I have a strong feeling that he’s crushing on me too. A day doesn’t pass without him checking up on me several times, just to chit chat a bit. If he doesn’t show up, I start to worry a little, lol. But usually, he’s quite busy if he is not popping in to say hi and joke around. And did I say he’s funny too? Always has me in stitches.

Yesterday, I surprised myself even when it started to bother me, that he wasn’t around for my birthday (oh, it was my birthday yesterday, my readers). Turns out he was unwell so today morning, he came to apologize for going MIA the previous day and I could hear myself with a hint of suspicion asking, “Really?”

I know he was truly unwell. He had told me himself the day before yesterday, but I still had a tiny bit of expectation of him being around for my birthday and he was actually going along with it, by explaining himself today morning.

I did have a wonderful day yesterday. Lots of love from my former classmates, friends and family. I don’t think I have ever gotten as much birthday wishes before as I did yesterday. So really, it’s not such a huge deal for me if my crush was conspicuously absent and with good reason (him being sick).

Anyways, I’m just glad that I have full knowledge where this crush is coming from. I have been recently working on a relationship that didn’t work out meaning, I’m newly single. In light of that, I’m bound to crush on people and to feel like I really like this person today only for it to change tomorrow. This is one of those crushes that will probably fade before I know it.

It just shows me that I’m human and that I haven’t lost that ability to feel affection for someone of the opposite sex. It shows me that I understand where my boundaries lie and actually accept that something that clearly won’t happen, won’t happen. Forgive the repetition. More so, it proves to me that I’m way past that age of taking crushes seriously.

I don’t have to act on it. I don’t even need to do anything about it. It’s not something that will cause my stomach to churn in anticipation, every time I see him walk by or to blush furiously, every time he looks at me. I don’t need unnecessary explanations as to why he didn’t come over the other day to say hi.

The beauty of crushes for me at this time is that they are stress free. And if I start dwelling on them a little more than I should, I quickly jolt myself back to reality with the declaration that IT’S JUST A CRUSH.

So how do you deal with your crushes?

When A Sex Tape Leaks

matemedia.com

We live in a society which glorifies sex and the usage of one’s sexuality to gain certain benefits so much, to the extent where a couple shooting a sex video of themselves isn’t seen as such a big deal. One of our celebrities in Kenya, recently learned the hard way after a sex tape of him and some girl got leaked online. Well, the celeb in question has chosen to act all cool about it but being human, I’m almost 100% sure that it wasn’t something he had ever anticipated happening to him and more so at this moment, when he’s now a family man and well established in his career.

Well, I have no intention whatsoever of dwelling on that particular celeb’s sex tape in this post. However, it got me wondering what drives people to think of recording a video of themselves while having sex. For some, it has actually launched a successful career for them after a leaked sex tape which further normalizes this phenomenon as being beneficial even! I’m sure a couple of other people have been inspired by the same, all in a bid to gain that celebrity status that this other person gained, after their sex tape went viral. Oddly enough.

In this society, sex is simply just sex. Nothing big. Just two people romping between the sheets. Spice it up with a recorded video in the act which makes it all the better. Sometimes we fail to even pause to think about the future implications of such a seemingly harmless undertaking. What if the tape falls under the wrong hands. What if we mature, meet that promising gentleman or lady, settle down, have kids, then one day, our own kids chance upon a video of daddy doing ‘bad manners’ with some woman or mummy doing the same with some man.

What kind of explanation are we surely going to give to our child who might already be a teenager and having a full idea of what the tape is all about? Are we going to be able to confidently face them and tell them that it was simply a harmless act that they shouldn’t pay much attention to? Or are we going to employ the all famous trick of losing our temper on our kids, all in a bid to terrify them from ever questioning us about the same again?

Woe unto the parent who is unfortunate enough, to have his or her child watch a sex tape of him/ her because it will indeed be so difficult, to discipline that child afterward. For children, their parents happen to be the first people they look up to and if by any chance, they happen to be teenagers and therefore starting to get an identity and searching for other role models to look up to other than their parents, trust me, a sex tape you made in your youth, will dent any positive image they had left of you.

And while I have no issue whatsoever, with people enjoying the act of sex and looking for ways to make it more memorable, I simply think that we need to be especially careful, in the event of recording ourselves while getting intimate. More so, because we risk being the subject of ridicule if by any chance that video eventually leaks, jeopardizing our current relationships and marriages afterward and having to put on a brave face, when deep down we feel like we can bury ourselves, rather than face the shame of such an occurrence.

It is high time people regained their dignity and let sex remain a private, intimate affair like it was before. For the socialites and aspiring socialites, who do not give a damn hoot whether their faces can be seen on a sex tape or not or whether their nude photos surface on the internet or not, let me school you a bit….

Real socialites have a name to fall back on.

What do I mean by a name?

Heartthrob Enrique Iglesias’ mum Isabel Preysler is a socialite. If you read the first line of her Early Life description on Wikipedia, it states “Preysler was born in Manila, Philippines, the third of six children, to a wealthy aristocratic family”. Anne Randolph Hearst’s biography, also on Wikipedia states, “She is the grand daughter of newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst.  Anne Hearst is an American socialite. Paris Hilton is equally a socialite. If you read a quick description of her, similarly on Wikipedia, it states “She is the great granddaughter of Conrad Hilton, the founder of Hilton Hotels”. 

And though Paris might have a sex tape out, her name already rang a bell long before she decided to get kinky for a personal camera. We already knew about the existence of the Hilton Hotels. In short, real socialites were once heiresses to a vast amount of family wealth. Their fathers and mothers were stinking rich and therefore making appearances at social functions was actually a way of life for them.

The reason why nowadays, socialites and aspiring socialites feel the pressure and need of posing nude and leaking sex tapes online, to make a name for themselves, is because they have no name to fall back on. Their fathers and forefathers are barely known. They are heiresses to only a certain amount of investments that their parents were able to work hard for and with good reason. They yearned for their children to be comfortable not women in future, parading their nudity and bedroom skills for other people to watch and glorify.

According to me, the only thing a sex tape does to someone once leaked online, is shred any remaining dignity you had left to pieces. It may give you the much desired fame and money, but your rags to riches story will forever be pegged on that romp you had for the Cam. If unfortunately you go broke, you risk your name being forgotten for good. So if we are going to pinpoint examples of irresponsible sex, making a sex tape is one of them due to the far reaching consequences it has, once leaked.

When He Tells You He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

Any woman who has ever heard such declarations from a man she was in love with, might probably know how much we go into denial mode. We immediately start convincing ourselves that if we continued to love and support this man, maybe just maybe, eventually he will want to be in a relationship with us. And we try our level best to show him just how much of a good girlfriend (wife even!) material we are. Only for him to still one day repeat more clearly “I don’t want to be in a relationship.”

“You’ve been a wonderful person to me, you’ve stood by me, but I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP.”

And just like an unfortunate collapse of a building, you feel all your hopes, fantasies and dreams with this man, crumbling all around you. You start wondering why all this time he treated you like a girlfriend yet he didn’t have enough feelings for you to become exclusive with you. You feel like you have just been taken for a ride and cheated.

At times you can’t even differentiate between the feelings of despair and anger you feel at the same time. It’s almost like they are intertwined. You may even get into an argument with this man over it and then because soon enough, you realize that it’s pointless being enemies, you decide to come to an amicable agreement and part ways.

The feeling is even worse when you had grown so used to him as a boyfriend. When you had shared with your friends already how much of a wonderful man he was to you. And when it so happened that in a long time, you hadn’t encountered a man who treated you with that much care and respect like he did.

It’s even more confusing, when he doesn’t act like a downright jerk while telling you his stand in this association you have now been having for a while. You unwillingly find yourself secretly wishing he had just acted like all the jerks you’ve ever encountered before, who suddenly cut communication and disappeared from the face of the earth.

That way, it would have been much easier for you to hate him, rather than battle these feelings you are now battling because like it or not, you still harbor a soft spot for this man and more so, since he did not treat you so carelessly while parting ways with you.

I have been there before and experienced that kind of conflict within myself when something, I had envisioned in my imagination as being super awesome, turned out to not be so super awesome after all. There are times where I even convinced myself that this man will eventually meet all kinds of Cruella de vils and finally realize just how much of a Snow White I was and came back to me.

All those times, I constantly held on to the hope that a man who had clearly stated that he did not want to be in a relationship with me, would eventually snap out of his “foolishness” and come back to me, I learnt the hard way, that he may just NEVER come back.

Instead, he may probably meet other ladies who fancy a no strings attached relationship and don’t push him to commit to them like I did. Then eventually, of his own accord, he may chance upon that one woman, who would immediately snap him out of his issues and have him decide that she’s the one. And that woman, wouldn’t be from his past (as I happen to be a part of his past too) but from his very present time.

And so ladies, stop holding on to a man who is not willing to love you back like you love him. Stop trying to initiate conversation with him because you only end up looking desperate. As a matter of fact, you stand to lose nothing if you cut all links with that kind of a man for good.

It’s already clear knowledge that people who have been intimate before or had some ‘more of a friend’ kind of situation, find it near impossible reverting back to just being friends. Trust me, that turmoil you are in at the moment, because you can’t quite wrap your head around his refusal to commit to you, will not easily go away.

And as much as you may pretend to be friends for a while, resentment will build up to the point where you will see no logic in this facade you are putting up of friendship. You will start getting angry for no reason at this man for stringing you along. You will still hope that it works out and he finally commits, but the harsh truth is that he will get into a comfort zone and in fact, NEVER commit.

Dear ladies, stop being soothers of men who have just come out of a nasty break up with another woman. You risk such kind of a scenario if at all you decide to give him a shoulder to lean on and a warm bed, those evenings when his feelings of loneliness overtake him. It is more painful when a man declares that the reason why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, is because he still loves his ex or has unresolved issues with his ex.

It is much more worse when you have already let your guard down around this man and slept with him a couple of times. All in the hope that he will feel that emotional connection you felt and forget his ex for good, who according to the stories you have heard, was not even a match to you, in terms of how well you have been treating this man.

There is no need harboring ill feelings toward a woman (his ex) whom you have never even met, just because her candle still burns in this man’s heart. Do yourself a favor girl and let him be. There are so many other men out there, willing to be exclusive with a woman and it will only be a matter of time, before you chance upon one with whom you will be compatible.

Don’t allow an undecided man be the cause of your misery.

With Love from a Proudly Feminist 🙂