Month: July 2015

Young Women Need To Change Their Mentality First In Order To Succeed.

So everything is now back to normal, I presume, after a weekend’s visit to our country, from the President of the United States, Barack Obama.

I particularly liked something he said concerning women yesterday, when he addressed the nation from the Safaricom Indoor Arena. He cautioned us against treating women as second class citizens. Something that many feminists are very familiar with in their common quest for gender equality. He further mentioned that when you educate a woman, then her offspring will surely be educated.

It was indeed very refreshing to hear someone speak so passionately about the need for women to be respected and protected from FGM, early marriages, Sexual Assault as well as Domestic Violence. These are injustices that happen on nearly a daily basis in several parts of the world. I have read chilling stories of women from the DRC who have had to endure continuous gang rape from soldiers.

One particular story stood out for me, of a Female Activist from the same country, who got gang raped as a result of her Activism. She is currently in one of the refugee camps in our country. It was heartbreaking to read about the kind of horrors that women from war torn countries have to endure.And especially women trying to advocate for change.

Indeed, I felt very lucky to be a Kenyan and from a country that has endured relative peace since Independence. And as much as ethnic clashes happen in certain parts of our country, as well as the 2007 post-election violence, majority of the women in Kenya have been safe.

I believe that the President of the United States had a very strong point in suggesting that the rights of women should be respected. He seemed particularly impressed by the young women in our country, with an entrepreneurial spirit as well as a zeal to champion for women’s rights. As a father to daughters himself and the president of a Superpower, he indeed understands perfectly the contribution of all genders to a society.

However, I think that the young women of this generation in our country, need to first change their mentality in order to be successful. When compared to other nations in the world where oppression of women is rampant, it is evident that Kenya is way ahead on matters gender equality.

Nowadays, literally every home in Kenya would love to have educated daughters. Educating daughters in more recent times has stopped being seen as a waste of time. And educated women in our country, have gone ahead to do amazing things as evidenced by the likes of, Nobel Peace Laureate Wangari Maathai, The Honorable Phoebe Asiyo and the first Kenyan woman judge, Lady Justice Effie Owuor among many others.

With changing times though and an over emphasis on vanity at the expense of intellect, an ever increasing number of young women, is no longer interested in being recognized for their extraordinary strides and contributions they have made to the society. This phenomenon is worsened further by the emergence of the socialite trend as well as the excessive glorification of celebrities.

Young women of this generation, whether educated or not, have been led to firmly believe that with the right looks and physique, then instant success will land at their doorsteps. Focusing on a specific area of specialization in their quest for success is dismissed as drab and uninspiring. This outlook has become deeply entrenched in the young women of today, that they do not imagine themselves taking up a venture that is considered for the “lower, uneducated class”.

It is evident in our country at the moment, that unemployment levels are particularly high. Most of the lecturers who taught me a couple of units in Campus, would occasionally encourage us not to anticipate for employment as soon as we graduated. Each one of us is gifted in certain areas and according to one Myles Monroe, we go to school to perfect our giftings. Our lecturers’ point was to utilize our giftings as well as the knowledge we have since acquired in school, to be able to gainfully employ ourselves.

But who wants to work so hard at self employment, when a sexy body, further perfected at the gym, numerous invitations to social events, a rich boyfriend as well as a horde of selfies on social media, can make you the money you would like to have. The society of recent years, teaches young women to exploit their vanity to their maximum benefit. It teaches young women that sitting behind a desk in the corporate world, driving the latest car model and living the good life is all that entails to be accorded the “successful” status.

Many young women have since ceased to exploit their talents. They would rather stay in uninspiring jobs than take up a business venture, that may need them to start low, may be unpredictable financially in the initial stages and may demand a lot of dedication from their part. Most of these successful entrepreneurs we see today started from somewhere. And if you follow up on their stories, they may have started from the lowest point that you could ever imagine. It only took a step of faith and zeal on their part, to be where they are today.

World leaders such as President Barack Obama and the likes, may ramble about the need for young women to be empowered and educated day and night, to no avail if at all the mentality is still the same. If young women are not willing to stop viewing other occupations as those reserved for the classless and uneducated in society. If young women want to take the easy route to success by using their bodies and looks to that effect. And if young women decide to pay attention to what other young women think of them.

As a young woman, I believe that the path to success starts when we are willing to focus on something we know we are good at, no matter how challenging it may seem. When we stop bothering with what society says about women in general. And when we open our minds to other different, possible prospects other than what is being portrayed to us as the trend.

Have a thoughtful week!

Understanding The Bro Code And How Women Get Messed Up By It.

Hmmm, guys get better at these types of things by the day and especially with regards to relationships with the opposite sex.

I know women have heard about the bro code.

These unspoken set of rules that apply to only guy friends. The thou shall not sleep with thy best guy friend’s chic even if she’s sizzling hot type of thing. Yet women are known to commit all kinds of sins against their fellow women friends.

However, the bro code always seems to work for men, perfectly. For women, not quite. They are women who have been f***d up by this bro code thing and it’s now time for us to try and understand what it entails, to some extent, complete with the differences with the woman mentality.

For Guys: If your best guy friend hooks you up with his chic friend and you fuck her up, then both of you agree she is the jerk.

For Women: If your best girl friend hooks you up with her guy friend and he fucks you up, he is the jerk or both him and your soon to be unfriended friend are jerks.

Women, do not expect a guy to take your side in such a situation. The bro code does not allow them. I was about to add “fuckin” before bro code but refrained for fear of being pelted with stones by the opposite sex. If indeed such a situation happens to you, save yourself the trauma and keep off from the two of them.

There is this thing about two male friends, deciding that a woman is worth being gossiped about and made fun of after a hook up gone sour. If sex is involved, both of them will definitely agree that she asked for it. Therefore, it is not necessary for her to whine about it, that she has been duped, when the guy immediately informs her afterward, that he is not looking for something serious.

Men long refused to understand that sex is an emotional affair for women. They tend to assume that if it is physical for them, then grown women should suck it up and accept only the physicality of it. And there is no way in hell that a guy friend will side with a chic friend, his best bud has hurt even if she seems thoroughly wounded by the whole experience.

It doesn’t matter if his friend cheated on her after a short stint at dating, was only looking for a fling, is a self confessed Casanova or simply an arrogant dude. This friend will stick to the bro code at the expense of losing a friendship with this chic. It gets even worse if this guy friend of his has done major favors for him in the past. Chic, forget any sympathy or understanding from your friend.

You push it and these two turn into epic male gossipers. And guess what, you will always be the subject. Guys pretend not to gossip but even those in their late twenties are known to really paint a woman they have no use for as blacker than soot. Shoot me if you want! I just said it.

For Guys: Your best guy friend’s girlfriend is totally out of bounds.

For Women: 3 things: 1. He’s out of bounds if i’m loyal and truly respect our friendship, 2. I may get a little jealous if my love life is a mess, but still keep him out of bounds to avoid issues with my girl friend, 3. I may hit on him cuz I don’t really care about my friend’s feelings. If I want a man, I have him.

Women falling in the latter category have been known to mess up their girlfriends by stealing their boyfriends. Women, we need to open our eyes and see that whatever ills we commit against our fellow gender, are actually ills we have committed to the whole concept of womanhood.

Guys beat us at this because many have understood the concept of manhood and being loyal to their kind. Yet women do not hesitate in tearing apart their fellow women through their actions and words. Time to wake up.

For Guys: I can’t tell on my bro to his chic that he is cheating on her. As a matter of fact, I know nothing.

For Women: If I find out my girlfriend’s boyfriend is cheating on her and tell her, I may either be branded a liar or jealous, believed or unfriended if they at all finally sort out their issues and reconcile.

One word to women, mind your own business!

Do not think that by revealing what is supposed to be kept under wraps, you are helping your friend. Guys have each other’s back all the time. A guy will never dream of exposing his friend and even if the affected woman gets to find out and confronts this guy friend about it, he will still pretend he knew nothing.

Many women who have warned a friend that a man she was seeing was cheating on her ended up in two situations; either closer as friends or discarded by their girlfriend. There is a whole lot of rivalry going on in the female world and to save yourself the drama, what doesn’t concern you should not bother you. It’s that simple, as harsh and unconcerned as it seems, coming from a fellow woman.

For Guys: If I’m having a woman over, my guy friend gives me space if we usually live together.

For Women: If my female housemate wants to bring a guy friend over, aint nowhere I’m going!

Of course this will never change for women.

And for that mere reason, if you cannot handle it sharing a house with a fellow woman, do not do it. If you are living in a hostel and your randy roommate brings a guy over for a romp in the night, do yourself a favor and excuse them. Do not endure your sleep being disturbed then back stab your girlfriend over it for days on end. You earn nothing from it by pointing fingers at others since nobody appointed you a moral judge. We all know that the judgmental types end up eventually in shameful situations we never expected them to be in. Karma is surely a bitch, you know!

You Can Never Change Commitment Phobes!

Period!!!

I don’t know why women try.

Why women allow themselves to go through the heartache that commitment phobes put them through.

I have had encounters with such types of men and It’s never pretty. I’m an urban born and bred, African woman in my mid twenties, with a desire to someday meet prince charming or whatever it is that is close to that. Oh, I just remembered that prince charmings no longer exist! So I’m probably in a fantasy world but a frog, that is halfway through transitioning into a prince, will do as long as its manners are princely and the froggy aspects camouflaged. Blame that last line on dark humor, for those who get it.

Frog Prince --- Image by © Alley Cat Productions/Brand X/Corbis

Frog Prince — Image by © Alley Cat Productions/Brand X/Corbis

So as I was saying, I have encountered self confessed commitment phobes. And the funny bit is that they are the most charming. Talkative, outgoing, with a huge clique of friends. Usually, they give you a real treat of fun in the initial stages, but the minute you start seeming like you care too much for them or that you want them to introduce you differently to their friends, they suddenly change. And in comes this overly serious and shifty demeanor. Before you know it, the guy has bolted.

Nowadays, there is a special breed of commitment phobes. Those who start with stories of how some chic they were dating hurt them badly until they are too wounded to love again. Lies! As far as I know, guys move on way faster than women. Despite them hurting, they man up and accept the situation. They equally know that just because one has let them down, doesn’t mean that now women have become extinct. They may have a couple of rebounds after that but it will only be a matter of time before an ex is completely replaced.

Men will get dumped in the morning and that same evening they are on a road trip to God knows where with a bunch of friends. Unlike women who will obviously hurt for days. Who might spend a whole day in nighties and in bed just because a relationship has suddenly gone sour. Yup, the hurt of a broken relationship is pretty much the same for both men and women but the fact that guys were socialized to man up from early childhood, they deal with it way better than us. As for those who commit suicide, those are probably wimps, forgive my term.

Anyways, this special breed will obviously do a good job in convincing a clueless woman how they can never love again because their hearts were broken. Be warned sister, this is simply a commitment phobe using a broken relationship as an excuse not to get serious with you. Or you might encounter the ones who pretend to care too much for you as a friend to not dream of hurting you. Phrases like “I respect you a lot to want to hurt you” might be thrown around or the classic “I don’t want to hurt youor “you are one of my good friends”.

Listen dear lady, this man is only fooling you so that you can stick around. Men know that women are a bunch of emotional creatures and that we yearn for commitment. And so by them affirming to us that they value our friendship, they already know that we will automatically take that to mean as a half commitment from them. That we will stick around for the booty calls in the hope that feelings will indeed grow from our so called friendship. This is actually a clever exit strategy from the man concealed with false declarations of care. And this one hurts worse.

Trust me you will feel like you are boiling in a pot when your “friend” starts being exclusive with a random girl he has just met. When you will realize that he took about a week, to make the decision to date her yet you have been sticking around, changing sex positions, to spice up the occasional booty call sessions with him.

You can never change commitment phobes, simple!

Nearly all urbanites have experienced a period in their lives when they were commitment phobic. I remember a guy friend of mine once blurting out in frustration how much I was scared of commitment. Did that make me any guilty? Hardly. I wasn’t in love with him therefore, there was no need for me to pretend to be, when I only thought of him as a friend. Maybe he thought he would bring me back to my senses with that accusation.

As a matter of fact, it made me want to run for the hills even faster. And I sure as hell did, like my life depended on it!

This my readers, is the case with all commitment phobes. You push for exclusivity, they run faster than a leopard. Some who simply do not care can resort to all kinds of ill treatment just to put you off. Some women are known to wait up to that point where a man starts ignoring your calls, calling you names and ignoring your texts. There is nothing compared to that hopeless feeling you get, when each time you send a man falling in this category, texts on Whatsapp and all you see are blue ticks, indicating he has read the text and he doesn’t bother replying.

Save yourself the trouble and exit before you get entangled with a commitment phobe who will only change when h/she wants to. Before y’all sensitive men start pointing fingers at me for being one sided, I have decided to include the term h/she even though countless times, I clearly state that this is a feminist blog. Oh well, I have no choice do I? Because ’em commitment phobes exist in both genders.

By the way, this is not a phenomenon to be loathed and persecuted. Everyone has their own reasons as to why they do not want to commit at a certain period and time in their lives. Your only mandate is to avoid being the victim of such because like Cruella de Ville of 101 Dalmatians, they will string you along then quickly discard you, as soon as they decide they want to move on to something else. If you are up to their sick game, you can keep in touch. If not, cut them off!

There Is No Such Thing As Earning Respect From A Man.

I know today I’m definitely going to ruffle some feathers with my post, but you know what, I have no apologies.

I don’t care if some of you men feel like poking my eyes out. I’m entitled to my opinion which I shall do so with relish on my blog.

Who said that women ought to earn respect from a man by acting in certain ways???

I didn’t, but society did.

Then what happened???

Women turned into insecure beings who constantly self critic themselves as well as second guess themselves.

Society said, and I’m assuming a patriarchal society, which makes up nearly more than half of the whole world’s population, that women shall live by a set of rules governed by what the men thought of them, in order to gain respect from the men.

I’m saying different today.

I have guy friends who have acted like total jerks and saw nothing absolutely wrong with acting the way that they did. But if I happened to flip out on them, I’m the bad one. I’m the psychotic chic, who should know better when to shut her trap and when to open it to spew out things the men consider as, nonsense and overreaction from mad women. Boyfriends or potential lovers who made me lose my respect for them by their actions and continued breezily with life as if nothing has happened.

So why then is the burden on women to be cautious of what the men are going to think of them? Why have the women been made to feel as if they have to work so hard or not be themselves in order to earn some form of respect from the male gender?

If a woman sleeps too soon with a guy, then the guy begins treating her like a slut because he thought she was cheap for dishing out the cookies ASAP, then it is automatically the woman’s fault. She should have known better to shut her legs tight so that men can respect her worth and not treat her like a slut.

If she indeed sleeps with a guy after perhaps 3 months then he bolts, then probably it is her fault yet again, for not reading the signs that the guy wasn’t serious early enough. If she gets fed up by what the man has been doing that irks her and rains insults on him someday, then she deserves a waterfall of slaps because she is disrespectful.

If the man decides to be pounding her daily like maize in a mortar with a pestle, then she should endure and “pray” that God someday, answers her prayers and tames her man. Better yet, to the point where he will respect her and stop giving her random bruises for imaginary wrongs or during those moments in his drunken state, he assumes that she is Triple H from WWE and wants to settle a score with “him”.

That according to me is the most outrageous chauvinistic thinking that has affected women gravely over the years.

If you think you are going to earn respect from a man for doing certain things, then you are doing a great disservice to yourself. If a man is naturally disrespectful of women, he will disrespect even those who dress decently, covering up each and every part on their bodies. He will disrespect even those who do not sleep around by sending sexual innuendos their way. He will disrespect even those women who hardly answer back when a man is speaking.

Ladies, your goal in life should not be to earn respect from men. It should be to earn respect for yourself. If you want to cover up, it is for yourself and not so that men can view you as wife material or disciplined. If you want to remain a virgin till marriage then it is for your own good and the good of your future marriage life. Not because men consider virgins pure and those who’ve had a couple of sexual partners in their single lifetime, immoral.

If a man goes quiet on you after f****g you, girl, it is not your fault in any way. Remember, he participated in it too. He should in fact be equally beating himself over it because of his carelessness instead of acting in a callous, castigating way. Women need to take control of their sexuality and stop feeling as if they gave it up too soon and that’s why this occurrence is now taking place.

If men have taken control of their sexuality to the extent where they can sleep with whomever and disappear on that person, then why should the modern woman feel as if she needs to beat herself for being with such a man? Why does she have to feel like she needs to prove to that man, that she wasn’t slutty in doing it, then have him trample over her and brand her desperate.

If he was only looking for fun, then it is perfectly in order, to say that she was equally looking for fun and doesn’t care whatsoever, if he considers her a slut or an upright person. As a matter of fact, if the man starts to disrespect her as a result of that, she has every right to tell him off and cut links with such a man, pretending to be sexually mature, when in the real sense he is engaging in sex as some form of conquest game.

Women need to do away with the ‘it is my fault’ mentality because in having it, we are letting men get away with all sorts of misdeeds. We are allowing men to dictate how our lives shall be. Are they themselves reciprocating to us what they preach???

So they want us to be sexually upright, but it is totally fine for them to have numerous shagmates. They want us to dress in a certain way, but some are busy secretly admiring the short, tight skirts on well endowed women. They want to insult us by doing all sorts of unfair things to us but we are supposed to keep quiet about it and forget about it.

I’m not implying in any way that all men fall under this crude category. I speak to the women to stop pegging their respect on what the men in the society think. To hold their heads up high and raise those children single handedly, even if men assume them to be whores and non-marriage material, for giving birth before marriage. To forgive themselves for having sex too soon, learn their lessons and shut that man out who thinks he now has the warrant to shame them for doing it.

Respect comes from within and not from what others think of you.

Monsterhood Seems To Be Replacing Motherhood.

Quite recently, I was walking with a friend on a busy street and suddenly, a woman passed by. There was nothing extra ordinary about the woman. However, a few meters behind her was a small child, around 3 or 4 years of age whom I believe, was her child.

I remember reacting immediately with shock at the sight of a mother leaving such a small child to follow her behind, on a busy street teeming with humanity, vehicles, tuktuks and motorcycles, all the while seeming oblivious to the danger that posed to her child.

What if some reckless driver or rider hit the child? What if the child lost sight of her mother and got lost? My friend, who obviously has since gotten used to such scenarios of careless mothers, assured me that this was not an isolated case. So I let it slip. But not for long as I’m still recounting this tale, several days later, to you my readers.

I mean, even elephants take better care of their offspring!! They do not leave them behind to be attacked and mauled by predators while the elephant mothers stroll breezily ahead.

fineartamerica.com

fineartamerica.com

I am reminded of how my own mother raised me back then when I was still a small child. If we were walking in town, she would always say, “Pita mbele yangu ndio nikuone, ukikaa huko nyuma sitakuona” (go ahead of me where I can see you, if you lag behind, I can’t see you). She was a fast walker and I always seemed to be dragging my feet and complaining quickly of fatigue.

One day I did not heed her instructions. We were heading somewhere and with her fast walking nature, as soon as she turned the corner, I lost sight of her. As absurd and hilarious as it may seem, I got lost. I simply could not tell where my mum had disappeared to down the corner. For some minutes, I walked back and forth, obviously in the wrong direction, trying to figure out where she had gone to.

Eventually, almost on the verge of tears, I gave up and ended up standing by the street with some male strangers, who seemed genuinely concerned I was lost. My mother must have realized that I was nowhere to be found because in less than an hour, she was back on the same street and found me standing with the good Samaritans.

If she had initially been worried sick by my brief disappearance, she did a very good job not to show it by instead laughing it off. Then warning me afterward sternly to always walk ahead of her. I had learnt my lesson so now I knew better not to lag behind.

This particular memory came flooding back to me the minute I saw that woman breezily walking ahead while her small daughter followed behind. I’m not a mother yet but I already have full knowledge that a mother needs to be careful.

In one of the recent issues of The Nairobian, there is an article of a woman being arraigned in court for sexually abusing her own daughter. Apparently, her daughter’s crime was going out unattended to borrow a book. And this insane woman decided to insert her fingers into her daughter’s private parts, injuring her in the process, as punishment for such a petty issue.

Well, we can dismiss her as a deranged bar maid for that is her profession but I beg to differ. I have full knowledge that even mothers engaging in prostitution would not let their daughters enter the same profession. It is ingrained in mothers to always want better and the best for their children.

So if this so called disgrace to feminism, wanted to prove a point to her daughter, that there are sex pests out there who can do just the same to her if she goes out unattended, I think she ended up missing the whole point and acting like a child molester herself.

As per my knowledge, motherhood is a choice.

It does not matter whether it was a one night of drunken passion that got you pregnant, if the father chose to stay in his child’s life or not or if you are struggling to raise those children and barely making it. The minute you made a conscious decision to keep the pregnancy and not to abort it, then it automatically became a lifetime choice. A choice that needs to be embraced whole heartedly.

Therefore mothers who take out their frustrations in life on their children are actually hardened monsters who have failed dismally at parenting. Remember, a child does not choose to be born. A child is totally innocent irregardless of whether the parents concerned are getting along or not.

As much as religion clearly states that children should be disciplined, there also happens to be a limit to the kind of discipline that parents met out on their children. Nowhere in the Holy Books has been written “thou shall douse thy child in paraffin and burn him or her alive for stealing or for disobedience.”

Instead there are instructions as to how a parent shall bring up a child.

If there is a mother out there concluding that her own children are her source of misery, then she probably has an underlying psychological problem that needs medical or spiritual intervention. Mothers are supposed to love, nurture, support and guide their children.

It is the reason why God gave us the necessary threshold for pain while bringing forth life. He knew that despite the intensity of labor pains, we would still have that ability to unconditionally love our children. For a woman to give birth to a baby only to later damage that child, shows that a section of mothers got confused along the way.

They forgot about their responsibilities or were simply looking for scapegoats to blame for their denial to be responsible. If we truly want to be good examples of feminism, then we better start with how we parent our own children as mothers.

Motherhood is not an unpleasant chore – Borrowed Quote

Why Do We Compromise Our Standards As Soon As We Fall In Love??

I’m one of those young modern women who has clearly stated time and again that I would not allow a man to hit me whether he’s my boyfriend, fiancé or hubby. I developed a deep dislike once for an immediate neighbor of mine after I happened to hear him beat up his baby mama in the wee hours of the morning. His smiles stopped seeming genuine to me, his cheerful banter sounded like a witch’s chants to me afterward. He noticed my changed attitude and thought it wise to keep off. And I do pray to God that I never have to allow any man to hit me in my future life time, just because all sense in my head flew out the window the minute I fell in love.

What makes love turn once strong women into mushy creatures who can no longer stand up for themselves in the face of unfair treatment? Who are willing to act all desperate and clingy when it is perfectly clear that their subject of interest, is not interested or sadly friend-zoned them along the way. Women who once knew what they truly wanted in a relationship but are suddenly scared to lose a man even if he happens to fall way below the standards they had set.

Why do women worry a lot when it comes to choosing eligible people to date and get married to? Why have we allowed society to place time limits on us so much that we make love and dating decisions according to what society dictates? Who said that a man has to hit you just to make a point? Who said it was wrong for a woman to get out of a relationship or marriage that had since gone sour or that was riddled with violence? Are we supposed to stick to someone who hardly values us all because we fear being castigated by society or being by ourselves?

It is indeed true that being single sucks. But it is much better than sticking to a man who does not have the slightest ounce of respect for you. It turns us into broken women who now begin to believe that they do not deserve better. Who lose all hope of ever finding true love and allow themselves to continue being cloistered in a relationship or marriage that is not working.

Sometimes I think our whole female make up works against us. Women think with their hearts whereas men think with their brains. When a man is getting into a relationship with a woman, he knows exactly what he wants from that woman. If she fails to deliver it adequately along the way, he starts to feel dissatisfied and loses interest. If the woman turns out to be the one who uses bedroom matters as a manipulation tactic to have her way, then it will only be a matter of time before the man gets himself a sex partner to fulfill his denied desires. If the woman transforms into the devil incarnate, sooner or later, the man will get a replacement that treats him like the King of an ancient African Kingdom.

If you were to compare the ratio of men sticking to already failed relationships and marriages with women, to women doing the same with men, you will realize that the number of women is usually higher as compared to men. Simply because once women fall in love, they lose themselves in this thing called love. Their identities and standards prior to dating suddenly ebb. Insecurity replaces this. They fear losing this man. They suddenly develop this belief that this one is much better than a non-existent one. They begin to go out of their way to please this man who in the real sense might not be right for them.

If this man is the malicious type, he eventually begins to take them for granted because he knows that she is going nowhere. For women who are about to start pointing fingers at me with claims of changing times and women becoming more assertive, remember a time in your life where you continually held on to a man who was not right for you. When all the advice you got from your well meaning friends to leave him fell on deaf years. When you constantly justified his actions sometimes even with tangible evidence. And for what? Because love had long blinded you to the truth. Because you thought that your love would change this man. That he would finally realize that you truly cared, got his act together and reciprocated your care.

Any woman who has tried changing a man knows perfectly well how much of a daunting task it is. It is natural for men and African men in particular, to want to do things their way. Many interpret a woman’s well meaning efforts to change them as an act of sabotage. They want to go out with their friends to watch football while knowing you need some help with the baby. After all, the African society long did a good job in convincing men that the work of the house and children belong to the woman alone.

We are not asking men to get into a bend over position and mop the house with a rag or sit on the kiti moto and cook chapati over the jiko. We are simply asking for a little bit of help when you have a months old baby, howling her lungs out each time you try to put her down to get supper ready. It wouldn’t hurt if the man decided to forgo an important football match and minded the baby while you fixed supper. But NO, these men want things done their way. He will be gone to watch football, come back and expect a quiet house and the smell of hot deliciously prepared supper.

Again there are those men who are very supportive with their wives. I’m not saying that the whole lot are stubborn creatures. The point I’m trying to drive at is that men love things being done their way. Women on the other hand only love things being done their way when they are single. The minute they meet someone and fall in love, they are willing to bend over backwards to keep this man around never mind that he might not be willing to do the same. And the men have equally done a good job in the past, making women believe that it is utterly wrong for them to have standards and to demand that the men in their lives stick to those standards.

The mere reason that we think with our hearts when it comes to love matters turns us into zombies who lack minds of their own. We suddenly agree to all the stereotypes in place that have a patriarchal underlying tone to them. As a matter of fact, we become experts at turning misplaced stereotypes into facts. I’m not insinuating that women turn all horrible and beastly toward men to prove their point and stick to their standards. I’m asking women to be careful not to lose themselves once they fall in love. Which means to let go of that man who is not fitting in their standards and not to feel scared or insecure because of it.

Honey, I just got you a gift!

Sounds familiar? You bet.

Recently, the Kenyan social media scene got a “rare” treat from Laura Akunga. This sassy wifey decided to get her hubby a not very common birthday gift in most Kenyan homes, in the form of a car valued at about 10 million Kenya Shillings. I have used the words “not very common” because her Facebook update went viral.

Apparently, Kenyan women in recent times, have done a very good job in painting themselves as gold digging, weave donning, manhood choppers, husband snatching, kisirani (troublesome) b*****s, whose husbands find the bar a better companion than a snarling wife in a cozy home. So if one woman decides to do something overly special for her hubby like Laura did, tongues will surely wag, no doubt.

However, do not be fooled cuz I wasn’t either!

I knew that it was just a matter of time before the haters went to work. Glorify her then tear her to shreds, Kenyan style.

I wasn’t wrong.

Just before week end, I was passing by a newspaper vendor and I see a scathing headline on one of the popular newspapers, with the main subject of course being Laura Akunga. The same woman that a short while back, men considered her an ideal wife that other Kenyan wives should emulate.

That got some insecure women green with envy, just from the realization that she could afford to splurge money on an expensive car for her hubby, when they couldn’t afford that trendy bag, in a boutique going at only 10,000 Kshs.

Life is surely unfair.

Reminds me of my friend who says there are people who cover themselves with money like a blanket, not mere hustlers like us. People who woke up on the right side of the bed 😛 She amuses me, that one, with her funny analysis of the ever widening gap between the rich and the poor in our country.

So apparently the headline stated that Laura Akunga had conned someone. From Laura Akunga buying hubby a 10M car for his birthday, to this. Oh well, this had happened faster than I had expected.

You see, as much as social media is a powerful tool for communication, it is equally a highly destructive tool and women are the most vulnerable. You post something, it’s out there and people might either decide to glorify you or to go at you like hyenas on a carcass.

It would have been better if Laura decided to keep her gift private. But then social media is all about vanity. Sometimes, we women do not even realize it when we over share. The constant updates about our pregnancies, our loving hubbies, our sizzling hot boyfies, our children. Sometimes we want to even announce it to the world how much we are living large. I mean, we all have that hidden little bragging streak in us that occasionally gets the better of us, don’t we?

What women need to realize is that social media can either make you or break you. That social media is just that, social media. I doubt if a man bought his woman a birthday gift, he would share it on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. It is usually the women who will quickly rush to post a bouquet of flowers that a loving man in their lives got them or an item of clothing or shoes.

All the while forgetting the fact that behind the many phones, laptops and computers logged on to social media platforms, are also people who consider their lives a living hell. Who are battling insecurities and therefore spend their waking hours doing comparisons with other people’s lives, getting jealous and feeling more crappier than ever.

People who feel like they are the walking dead. Cyber bullies who would not hesitate in bursting somebody else’s, (who seems better placed than them) bubble. People who will gloat at your misery. People out to settle scores and are only waiting for the right moment and opportunity to do it.

Women need to wake up and smell the coffee. Vanity comes at a cost.

I personally have no way of telling who is speaking the truth in Laura’s case. The one purporting to have been conned or Laura Akunga. But with a headline like that on the front page of a popular paper, that kind of does a perfect job of denting her image to some extent. Remember, before she posted a photo of herself gifting her hubby, we knew nothing about her.

So when did women decide to transform social media into all about their private lives and at what cost? And if there are men too engaging in oversharity, I stand to be corrected.

The photos of whatever gifts we have received from our loves and better halves need to go, photos reserved for only our sexual partners in sheer, skimpy attire need to go, the daily photos of our chubby, sweet little ones need to go, essays of our year’s achievements need to go and so do our constant motherhood updates.

The haters shall always be there and it would be way wiser if we protected ourselves from them. Trust me, many can’t handle the heat when people start launching missiles at you because of a simple update on social media. If you want to keep track of your private life, keep a personal diary but please spare us the oversharity. Just saying.

 

Oh, The Pain Of Reality Shows!

I noticed recently that I’m developing a huge problem with Reality Shows. Everytime I’m flipping through channels and I happen to land on one with some reality thing going on, I quickly change the channel. I’m actually bored by all the fakeness being purpoted to be reality and especially, since most have women as the main persons of interest.

The reason why I will forever be an African from Africa is the fact that till now, I can’t seem to find a way to wrap my head around how a man suddenly transforms into a woman. And not because I’m a hater who is too “primitive” to embrace this day’s LGBT community since I’m lacking in exposure.

Simply because I come from a society where such things hardly happen in the open (though in recent times, this is somehow changing). Where men are proud to be men and to have women falling at their feet in pursuit of them. Where many cannot imagine being beaten (literally) by women (which is actually happening under wraps in some homes).

Where parliamenterians have discussed polygamy in parliament several times. Where some people, and quite a number, especially in non-urbanized areas, cannot tell you what LGBT stands for. And so for me to actually sit infront of a TV set and enjoy an episode on a reality show, discussing one man’s journey into transformation to a woman, is simply mental torture.

I suggest that the producers behind some of these Reality Shows change tact. The idea that everything can be fixed and especially in a woman’s body is getting tired and old. Cultures are different and if you are going to constantly feed us with what you consider acceptable in your culture, we will slowly start to rebel against it.

There was a period in time, when normal women actually paid attention to what these Reality Shows tried to preach. Where we believed in the standards of beauty that these persons of interest potrayed to us. But then we have come to realize that these standards are actually changing! Before, being busty and tiny everywhere was what was considered ideal.

So assuming i’m a woman who has bodily insecurities and I went ahead and got myself a boob job done, then ensured I worked out day and night so that everywhere else was tiny. Suddenly, I realize that booty has also been included in the picture! Therefore I need me some boobs and booty. I go ahead and get booty implants. But my hips are unproportional to the booty so gotta enhance my hips as well. Perfect!

Next day I realize that laugh lines are considered a horrible sign of aging. I need some botox. I then realize that my very African nose has nostrils the size of a well. Oh, I can get a nose job done too to reduce the size. Next month I discover that i’m probably too dark to look good in bright colors, oh well, I can lighten my skin….and the list is endless.

The huge problem I’m having with most of these Reality Shows is the fact that they are all trying to preach that everything in our bodies is fixable. A few try to get us to embrace who we are naturally but with dismal results. Whatever they show us in these Reality Shows is not whatever happens in real life. Most of the gimmicks are mainly to earn more ratings and of course rake in some money!!! Most do not care about the audience as long as the zeros in their dollars increase by the day.

If an African woman was to think of a Reality Show, I’m afraid that we are not going to see anything different as for years, we have had the same content fed to us. It is not going to be something African probably, because we of course want to compete with what we think is ideal and is going to make us richer. We are not going to show the reality on the ground of an African woman because all the women in these reality shows are ever in heels, made up and donning the latest style.

We are going to see an African woman go to a plastic surgeon because she hates how her nose looks or wants a bigger booty, boobs or some hip enhancement. We are going to see African women sunbathing in skimpy swimsuits with a glass of wine by their side. We are going to see African women speaking in a fake British or American accent. I know I sound pessimistic and some of you are probably rolling their eyes by now…

But truth be told, when you are constantly being fed someone else’s culture, you get used to it and want to embrace it or even compete with it.

However, there is a reality on the ground and the reality on the ground is what is being missed by these same shows. All because this is for entertainment so do not expect something that is going to bore you to death!

Who wants to see a woman dressing in drab clothes, with her body out of shape, getting her kids ready for school, worrying about finances, with a hubby who works day and night to feed his family and oh, he’s not a celebrity neither does he have looks you would actually pay attention to? In an African settting, a woman with a neglected weave that reminds you of a worn out ball of steel wool to scrub your sufurias clean. And chapped heels where a coin can fit perfectly.

So since we all need some entertainment, it would be better that the producers of Reality Shows thought of a name change and actually called a spade, A SPADE and not a big spoon. That would make it much easier for us women not to fall for all the fakeness claimed to be reality. It would make us embrace ourselves for who we naturally are. Better yet, it would make us get some serious women as role models! If you consider these women who sit all day, having coffee and making their nails without going bankrupt as role models, then ask yourself if you ever made yourself any money on a lazy weekend.