Month: June 2015

The Changing Phases Of Dating And Its Implications To A Proudly Feminist

I used to run a different blog in my other life, hehe. And then along the way I got tired of blogging on different subjects and finally settled on this one. However, by running that other blog, I quickly realized that my strongest blogging point is on the topic “relationships”. For those who have been reading this blog faithfully, you probably know by now that there are a couple of posts bordering on the same topic.

Anyways, anyone who has dated before and has broken up a couple of times too with the said boyfriends, might already know that dating has really changed nowadays. It has changed so much, to the extent where if all your agemates seem to be in happy relationships and are rapidly settling down in quick succession, you start wondering whether you are the person signaling the changing phases of dating.

Or in other words, you wonder whether you are truly jinxed for you to keep meeting and dating all kinds of garagarias. You start asking yourself whether those who eventually settle down and the sick lady, decides to chop off the man’s manhood 5 months or 6 months into the marriage, had really gotten their s***t together mentally, when they made that step to live under one roof. Then you come to the conclusion that you are probably safer being unmarried. You don’t want the whole stress baggage that comes with marriage and transforms otherwise “sweet” women into monsters overnight. And so you steer clear of relationships which signal the man might be anticipating for something more like marriage, perhaps. Almost as if accepting your “jinxed” state.

There was a time when people did not fear relationships. Where people were willing to make sacrifices for one another and to actually share their hearts with another. That time when the man’s worthiness as an eligible bachelor was not gauged by the size of his wallet or how many cars he had packed in his compound or which fancy residential area he resided in. Rather it was gauged by his character and at times, the kind of family he came from. Where love letters spoke deeply to the heart of a woman. Where a simple gesture of holding hands was equivalent to sizzling sex. And where the end result was almost always marriage, when for the first time, these two would eventually try what married couples did and with dizzying results. Where being beaten in marriage was actually a sign of love, believe it or not! These couples always sorted out their marital issues and ended up aging together.

Suddenly, money meant everything to people and the broker you were as a man, the less eligible you were to ambitious women. If your idea of a date was mandazi and chai at a dilapidated shack near where your equally sorry looking room, that you called a home was situated, then the only women you would be dating were househelps straight from the village and not yet corrupted by the city. But these too eventually ended up being bitten by the city bug and suddenly the broke assed men were not that alluring, as compared to their bosses’ husbands who worked well paying jobs and lived in comfortable homes. Who could afford to give them extra money to perm that kinky head, that had never before enjoyed the luxury of a blow dryer back in the village. Or who engaged in some hanky panky with them when the madam was away on one of her many business trips. At least the randy male bosses gave them reason to reply rudely to the madam when she returned or to saunter proudly away from her when she ordered instructed them to do some house chore.

Of course for some time the men had not yet realized the full intention of women to milk them dry for their own benefit. However, these lot are very smart indeed and soon enough, the men knew that all women were interested in, were their pockets and not their attributes or anything else other than money. And as if like payback, the men also decided that they were only interested in certain parts of the women’s anatomy, as a consolation for all the pocket money and finances they were dishing out to these women. But the women were not a lot to be left behind. If that is all the men wanted, in return for capital to run a business venture or a car or a house in a fancy upmarket area, then the women had no qualms giving that in return for something more beneficial to them.

Before we realized it, dating had become very selfish indeed. Before one decided to get into a relationship with someone, one asked himself or herself what was there in it for him or her whether physical or financially. Dating had since ceased being an emotional affair. It was a transaction which required the signing of a contract of sorts. And there came all sorts of types of relationships; ‘Sponsors’, cougar relationships, FWBs, girlfriend for convenience, trophy wife…. If you were lucky to get married, perhaps you only got married because an unplanned pregnancy spoiled things or the man marrying you seemed to be a one way ticket out of poverty for you. Some men literally married into rich homes for that very latter reason, do not be fooled!

And so for a woman to actually dismember her hubby, for something as petty as rent money as justification for such a drastic action, just know that many people nowadays do not marry out of love. That dating transformed a long time ago into more of a transaction between two people. And if either party does not deliver, then the transaction can be terminated in whatever way the aggrieved party deems it fit. Which justifies the FWBs who end up falling in love with the other being left in the cold, the young man who gets lured into a cougar kind of relationship, being thrown out of the house once the woman discovers he is seeing girls his age and husbands and wives killing their spouses or maiming them, for certain forgivable sins committed.

You can’t really hold it against a Proudly Feminist for developing a deep rooted fear of dating and marriage in recent times, can you??

To All The Women Who Lacked Earthly Father Figures…

So it’s Father’s Day today, Happy Father’s Day to all the men who have actually been real fathers to their sons and daughters. Notice I use the term “real fathers” because a lot of men are simply fathers and not real.

I actually played this game in the image with my own dad. I must have been 6 or 7 then but I relished stepping on his feet and have him walk forward while I seemed to be moving backwards, as evidenced by my squeals of delight. My dad happened to be in my life for a total of 12 years from the time I was born and that was it. Well, this post is not going to turn out to be a sob story of my life dear readers, so relax.

Anyways, today after quite a while since I last posted on this blog, I decided to speak to all the women who lacked earthly father figures (of course God in heaven is also our father no wonder the term I’ve chosen to use), and who are probably wondering what the fuss is all about today. Father’s Day, so what?! Kind of thinking.

Dear woman, whose father was probably an a***hole who left your mum when she was pregnant with you, or who married another woman or picked up a hooker, who squeezed him of all his hard earned cash and made him forget all about his family or who was a tyrant, child molester, an alcoholic or wife beater, you need not feel inadequate on this day.

There is a saying which goes something like “it’s easy becoming a father but way harder being a dad” which in essence is very true. Of course there is nothing very complicated about the whole aspect of sperm meeting an ovum in an act of unprotected sex between two consenting adults. However, the complications always come in when the man suddenly refuses to shoulder his responsibility or denies his child that the woman is carrying in her womb.

It so happens that a father is actually the first darling in his daughter’s life. When she comes of age, she will subconsciously gauge all the men she meets and dates according to how her father’s make up was. Sadly or normally, most fathers and especially in African society, are not usually the mushy types who will spend all their time dotting on their daughters, calling them princesses, giving them hugs and mouthing the words “I love you”.

And though times have changed, African fathers were known to express their love to their children by providing them with food, shelter, clothing and a decent education. As a girl child, you automatically knew that your father loved you if he went out of his way to sell a piece of land just to get you enrolled into campus. And if he walked you down the aisle on your wedding day as is required. Indeed, a sizable number of African women can attest to the fact that they never got a chance to be that close to their fathers, as much as they were close to their mothers.

Yet another sizable number of women from all races are battling daddy issues from fathers who failed horribly at being real dads. It is actually embarrassing admitting to suffering from daddy issues. Society views you as fragile, vulnerable sometimes even silly. You are supposed to suck it up and be strong. After all, everyone has their own problems to deal with and no time to pay attention to a grown ass woman, who can’t keep a man in her life because she expects him to love her, the same way a father is supposed to love a daughter.

Society dictates how we should be or act, like it or not. Society can be harsh and judgmental. Society is actually made up of you and me who secretly view ourselves as being superior and others as being inferior. Don’t expect me to sugarcoat anything here.

So dear woman who lacked an earthly father figure, forget about what this man has put you and your family through and focus on yourself. Do not in any way feel as if you need a man in your life for validation. Do not allow yourself to sink into the desperation pit of searching for a person of the opposite sex, who will hopefully fill that fatherly void. Chances are you will only stumble upon jerks out to take advantage of the fact that you seem unsure of yourself. No other man who is not your biological father, can successfully fill a fatherly void of an absentee dad. Except a step father who has the integrity to truly treat you as his own daughter, flesh and blood. Or a loving uncle or male guardian with no ulterior motive.

Accept that the reason your real dad left was because he was unworthy of you. And that a man who walks out on his own son or daughter is not worth the pain or the tears or your desperate attempts to try and get him to acknowledge you if he doesn’t want to. A man who subjects his own family to untold pain and suffering is not worth having that family by his side. He is not supposed to influence his daughter’s sex life just because he was a pervert who could not tell the difference between his daughter and wife. As a matter of fact, such a man of the latter kind deserves to remain behind bars for the rest of his life.

You are a strong woman, beautifully and wonderfully made and with brains to top it all. You deserve nothing but the best. You deserve to make rational decisions in your life. And so on this day, when the world celebrates the fathers, with a smile and heartfelt wish, turn to any man you know has proven to be a real dad and wish him a Happy Father’s Day 🙂 🙂 🙂

“Busty Women Love Sex”

I have put the title of my post today in quotes because it is something I heard from someone else quite recently actually. And sadly, from a fellow female. I don’t know how that came about, but this minute we were talking about something else and the next, she was like she has heard that phrase being thrown about. And the way she said it seemed like she really believed in it. My first reaction was rather personal, as I took it as a direct jab to my physique which falls in the said category. My next reaction was, appalled. In that state, I wondered who had come up with such a nasty truth sexual stereotype which I had never heard of before.

I mean, everyone loves sex. But we are all a bunch of pretenders who tend to paint sex as something dirty that resides only in the minds of perverted oversexed individuals. And that a woman who sleeps with several men is a whore whereas a man who sleeps with several women is macho blah, blah, blah…

Indeed we do believe so much in the latter stereotype that two rappers we know of in the music scene ended up concluding that the woman, both of them had slept with, was a whore. They didn’t look at themselves and see that they were probably lacking in integrity, for lusting after the same woman or the other one in the picture, who decided to sleep with his pal’s girlfriend was actually malicious. Since they are typical men full of themselves with their ego, successful rapping careers and money, they both decided that she had to be a whore for accepting to get laid by the two of them. So automatically, the woman is lacking in morals and is therefore cast aside and the men assume they were manly for sleeping with her and carry on being buddies. How warped??

Relationship blogs tell women that they should wait certain durations before giving themselves to a man they have began dating recently. I’m equally guilty of stating the same here in this blog. However, never have I stumbled upon a relationship blog which stated the duration of time a man should wait, before bedding a hot lass he has just started seeing. The story usually goes, men will always be men and that sex is a constant feature in their minds, which of course drives them to try all sorts of tricks on women in order to get laid. If the women in question fall for the tricks, usually because they are a bunch of clueless females, who believe that sex equals emotional bonding with the man, then they have themselves to blame for being too cheap.

Certain societies go ahead to further claim that a woman needs to have certain parts of her genitalia removed so that she can be tamed sexually. For men, it is a rite of passage. For women, it is to curtail her desires to want to have sex. As if God was nuts in designing a woman’s genitalia to include all those parts it has. These societies do not factor in the fact that by tampering with what was initially designed for a purpose, they are denying the woman the right to have a fulfilling sex life. Worst case scenario, causing her further unnecessary complications during childbirth and her menses. It is all for the sole reason that if left the way she was, designed beautifully, then she will automatically transform into a promiscuous female. Indeed there are women out there who point fingers at their fellow uncircumcised sisters as being dirty or whores.

This practice is so deeply rooted in some societies, to the extent where learned individuals residing in urban areas, still see the need to take their girls upcountry to get circumcised. It has actually taken the intervention of female activists to try and get some societies to understand that an uncircumcised girl is not flawed in any way. She is not inadequate as a woman and therefore does not need to be cast aside and subjected to ridicule. However, there is still a stretch of a journey left before FGM is totally done away with.

As a female, I feel as if we have been brainwashed to the extent where we have started believing in some of the nasty sexual stereotypes being thrown around with regards to women. For someone to actually point out that women endowed in a certain way are lovers of sex, is totally absurd. For some to go ahead and state that women from certain communities can’t keep their legs closed is even more absurd.

And then this same people are the ones who will go whining to radio stations that their wives are total logs in bed. Or they are ever laden with excuses as to why they don’t want to get intimate. If loving sex for women is a crime, how then do you expect this same women to enjoy the act of sex? Personally, I do not believe in anything such as someone loving sex. We all do for a fact. If we didn’t we wouldn’t be getting highly dissatisfied in relationships or marriages which are lacking in sex. We would be totally content and carrying on with our businesses as if nothing is amiss. As a matter of fact there would be no such term as “sexual frustration” neither would there be extra-marital affairs.

For women to be given a time limit on when they should get intimate in relationships is actually furthering a sexual stereotype that should have long been buried. For the self-righteous moralists, who are already pointing fingers at me for stating that, I’m not in any way encouraging immorality. And should women who sleep with men so soon after getting into relationships with them be branded loose or immoral, then the same should be applied to men who actually take the next step in sleeping with those same women so soon into a relationship. There should be no double standards as the act being carried out is the same.

Sex has always been a tricky subject and I’m totally convinced that it will be a long long journey before equal standards in this issue are attained. More so due to the patriarchal thinking by some.