Dealing With Your Married Friends or Exes

madamenoire.com

madamenoire.com

Before I begin this post, let me clearly state that I’m speaking from a female perspective.

I have a couple of male married friends and exes. One such friend had tried hitting on me unsuccessfully while still single. Then it so happened that I moved out of town and therefore, me and him got out of touch for a total of 3 years. In 2013, I bumped into him on the streets of my current city and quickly noticed from the wedding band on his left finger, that he was now married. However, we did talk for a couple of minutes and exchanged numbers.

Several months later, I get a text from him. Apparently, he had been thinking about the previous town we both resided in and as expected, I came to mind. I didn’t find anything fishy in that and got into a text conversation with him. What caught me off guard, was when he started telling me about his marital woes as our conversation progressed. I didn’t expect that and certainly not from him.

I mean, what could I, an unmarried 20 something year old, have to offer in form of practical solutions to his marital woes? I remember telling him that I was actually the wrong person for him to disclose his issues to, but my friend insisted on carrying on. And so I listened, albeit reluctantly. I was getting quite uncomfortable when he kept on insisting that I give him advice from my perspective. My perspective my friends, was simple, if you are having constant issues with her, then leave her! And that was actually the main reason why in the first place I didn’t want to be forced into an Agony Aunt role. Mainly because I knew that my advice to a married person was bad.

That incident made me totally minimize contact with that friend afterward, until much much later, when he confronted me and I was clear with him that I didn’t fancy being drawn into his marital woes. But that still didn’t stop him from commenting an additional time that I could have been the one in his life at the moment and not his current wife. Usually, whenever he states that, I remind him yet again that it is she, he married and not me. Therefore we were clearly not destined to be together.

Women get drawn into clandestine relationships with married male friends or exes sometimes unknowingly. How did I come to this conclusion?

When a married friend or ex starts telling you about how much his wife is troubling him and you as the woman, offer a listening ear. Perhaps you want to be a good friend and go ahead to also offer some advice of sorts. Next thing the man is confessing to you how much of a better deal you are when compared to his wife and you still entertain him. He then carries on with how he’s getting tired of his wife feigning mysterious ailments each time he wants to get intimate with her.

Maybe you who might be single, is currently undergoing a dry spell in your sex life and when this man starts confessing about how much he is sexually starved, you find yourself fantasizing of how sex would be with him. Probably you begin to reminisce about the good times when you were dating and in your deluded mind, think you two can rekindle that. After all, he has already done a pretty good job of painting his wife as totally bogus to you. And the more he keeps on telling you that it could have been you and not her, the more you convince yourself that you have still got it.

I’m not trying to say that all married friends or exes have bad intentions with their single friends or exes. Neither am I trying to insinuate that my married friend would have been secretly thinking of having an extra-marital affair with me. I’m simply saying that once a man chooses another woman to marry and not you, then he hasn’t made a mistake the way some may want us to think. Men marry women they have since ascertained are right for them. If he never bothered to pursue you into marriage and ended up pursuing another into marriage, then it clearly means that you were lacking in something or things he considered right for him, period.

When problems starts creeping into their marriage, then their dark sides suddenly come to light and it may be the reason why in a moment of frustration, a married friend or ex may confide to a woman, that he regrets his decision in marrying his current wife. Of course marriage is one hell of a rocky patch and people’s tolerance levels are many times stretched to their limits. It is how the married couple decides to solve their marital issues and how to relate to one another afterward, that determines whether their marriage bond remains strong or shatters into pieces. Therefore, it is not your place, as a an unhitched third party, to allow yourself to be drawn into the issues of two people who have a full knowledge as to why they got married in the first place.

Sometimes single women without a know how of dealing with their male married friends or exes end up fueling fires they have no way of putting out. Remember that you are not a marital counselor! You have no prior experience in marital issues neither are you in a position to give practical advice concerning it. We all know that people in sexless marriages or marriages rocked with constant tribulations may at times seek solace elsewhere. You should not be that solace for that man trying to escape from constant bickering with his wife, or trying to get laid after months without sex or with bad sex in the dark. You are a single woman deserving of a single, level headed, loving, caring, financially capable man.

When dealing with married friends or exes, sometimes I think it is better not to be too close, to the point of misplaced feelings developing between you two.

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