The “bread crumb” mentality

I was recently reading one of those “Agony Aunt” kind of sections on the newspaper and one woman’s predicament caught my attention. She was writing for the sole purpose of getting advice on a prolonged on and off relationship, which she had been having with a man, who had obviously fallen out of love with her eons ago.

For this post, allow me to abbreviate prolonged on and off relationships as POOF. So this lady seemed to be holding on to some farfetched hope that her POOF with this guy was going to eventually work. Perhaps she just needed some assurance from the Agony Aunt she was writing to, that her hope was indeed valid. And by the said Agony Aunt choosing to go all logic in the reply, this woman’s bubble might have been unintentionally burst in the process.

As a matter of fact, women entertaining POOFs for as long as they can, is not an isolated case. I choose to refer to this particular aspect as the “bread crumb” mentality whereby women choose to make do with the bread crumbs a man is offering them, rather than demanding for the full loaf. How we make do with the bread crumbs is by making excuses for a man’s unacceptable behavior, welcoming him back after disappearing acts and putting up with his philandering ways, all because of the delusion that we still love him and might not survive without him.

Men on the other hand know this and use it to their maximum advantage. Never be fooled by the fact that a man  may not be knowing what he’s actually doing, when he is dishing out bread crumbs instead of the full loaf. Never conclude that in such a scenario, your love and patience will change this man. What will instead happen is a lot of reverse psychology games being played by this same man whom you have allowed to string you along.

The fear of being alone by many women, is what makes them opt to make do with the little they have and to conclude that they are probably over ambitious, for demanding for more. Of course nowadays with this stereotype in place that women are naturally demanding, many women with a yearning for solid relationships, refrain from coming close to being branded “demanding.”

The end result is women tolerating men who hardly value them. This insecurity with self is the driving force behind women staying in unfulfilling POOFs, that drag on for several years, only to have the man meet a new woman someday and end up settling with her. Then this same women will spend additional months beating herself over the fact that she lost this man.

The truth of the matter is that you were actually wasting your time with the wrong man. The saying that there is a right man out there for every woman is indeed very true. He was the wrong man for you but surprisingly enough, the right man for the woman he ended up leaving you for.

Some men are known to test their boundaries quite early on into the relationship. It is the reason that some may intentionally do something that they obviously know will irritate a woman they have just started seeing, to actually see what her reaction will be. For a woman who wants a healthy relationship, a man testing your patience or trying to push your buttons a little to elicit some form of reaction very early on into the relationship, is actually a man who is still playing the field.

If he indeed wanted something serious with you, he wouldn’t be seeing the need to try all these tricks with you within the very first weeks or months of dating.Sadly, most of us fail to spot that particular red flag and instead dismiss it with a ‘boys will always be boys’ excuse. We totally disregard the fact that one day ‘boys become men’ and live up to their expectations of a man. We have led men to conclude that they can play all kinds of tricks with us and we will still be around waiting for them to pull their act together, which of course they have no intention whatsoever of ever doing.

Once they get tired of all the games they have been playing with you, they suddenly realize that they have grown up and move on to another new thing that poses them a challenge. By you putting up with all the shenanigans and reverse psychology games these men were playing with you, you long ceased to be posing any challenge to them.They simply got tired of offering bread crumbs that were easy to find and just to feel manly enough, they moved on to one who would make them work harder to deliver a full loaf.

It is high time women did away with this “bread crumb” mentality and stopped feeling insecure while single. Women need to put a lot of work into their self esteem to be able to successfully achieve this. They need to firmly believe that they are deserving of good men no matter the period of time it is going to take. They need to channel their thoughts onto other important aspects of their lives, while waiting for this good man, who will not dish out bread crumbs and have them scrap the table clean for them together with the dust.

A man who gets into a POOF with a woman is a man who is not deserving of a woman’s patience. He should not be the cause for several sleepless nights and the need to seek answers to his behavior from “Agony Aunts” and the likes. Irregardless of whatever stereotypes are in place, women need to confidently assert for exactly what they want. They equally have a right to do away with men they feel are not living up to their expectations. It is only then that the men who are known to take women on meaningless rollercoaster rides, will wake up and smell the kahawa (coffee) .


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