Relationships as i have come to realize over time are pretty simple but we women are known to complicate matters relationships by going out with men we are hardly sure of. I have been there and done that before so it’s not like i’m pointing fingers at anyone. However, one of the lessons that has taken me ages to learn is that if a man loves you, you as the woman will automatically know. You will feel it in your bones, you will sense it, you will be at ease with it. If he doesn’t, then you will be frantically searching the internet for ‘clues to know if he is in love with you’ kind of topics or running to your girlfriends with unsure questions about this man, which you hope your equally clueless girlfriends will help you straighten out. Worst case scenario, you will be the one always initiating conversations with this man or spending a lot of your time trying to get him to notice you.
Dear women, God did not design us to be desperately searching for men to love and validate us. God designed men to be the pursuers and women to be the ones being pursued. No matter how ‘proudly feminist’ (like me 😛 ) you purport to be, leave the men to do the work that was initially designed for them. A lot of women end up selling themselves short in relationships in a shoddy job of being the pursuer instead of the one being pursued. The following are some of the ways they do that:-
Ditching your friends.
A couple of women are known to ditch their friends the minute they have a man in their lives and only concentrate on him. You might think that you no longer need to spend your time with your girlfriends like you did before, while single because you now have this very amazing man in your life, but what you are actually showing this same man is that you do not value your other life. You are showing him that you are willing to throw all that away without a care in the world or a consideration of what next, should the relationship eventually God forbid, fail.
Men retain their buddies even when they have already crossed that bridge of being accorded husband status. Their boys will always be their boys. It doesn’t matter whether all of them are hitched or some are still single and playing the field. My own dad had a senior bachelor close friend who used to visit us occasionally whenever he was in town. It really puzzled my mum what these two men had in common. One unmarried and without responsibilities and the other a family man. My dad’s response when my mum questioned him about it was that they had schooled together in high school. That wasn’t a friendship to just throw away because he was married with kids and his friend wasn’t.
This just proves how much men value their friendships with other men whether in a relationship or not and women should do the same. Do not feel like you are now a diva because you bagged a hot caring man and therefore your friends have transformed overnight into total bores (and by the way, you are suffocating your man with all that attention you are since giving him). You will need those friends for `girls night out’ or for `girls talk’ or when you need time away from your man.
Being always available in the initial stages.
If you are the woman who is ever available for dates, always pick the calls on the first ring, always seek the guy out if he’s quiet, bombard him with several calls a day during the first couple weeks of dating, just know that you are selling yourself really short, period! No man respects that. As a matter of fact, men run very fast from such women. They can win a sprinting gold medal for it. Get a life girl! You need it.
Sleeping over at his place so soon.
And by so soon i mean within the first week of dating to the first month of dating. It doesn’t matter whether he was the one who invited you over himself, turn him down! Men have been trained to be sweet to the opposite sex. Their mothers always cautioned or punished them even for being too rough with their sisters. It is ingrained in men to act sweet to women. No wonder he will act like he doesn’t really mind having you over so soon. However, which man on this earth can share a bed with a woman and not be tempted to touch?? Ask yourself girl. We have inbuilt sexual desires. How we utilize those sexual desires tells a lot about us. If you the woman are foolishly going over to a man’s place so soon to spend the night, know that he will assume it is something you are used to doing. He will equally have no qualms sleeping with you. After you leave, he will avoid you like the plague because he has come to a conclusion already, `you are way too cheap.’
I know ladies you won’t like hearing this from a fellow female but the truth of the matter is, after spending a night so soon at a man’s house, you deserve the cold treatment and ignored texts and calls afterward.
Sleeping with him so soon.
On a first date?? Absolute NO-NO unless you are good to go with an FWB kind of relationship or a very short lived one for that matter. Sex is beautiful but more beautiful when delayed in a relationship. Get to know this guy first. Find out his intentions. Is he in it for the long haul or for the time being? Does he truly feel the same about you like you do him? You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak just by delaying the gymnastics if at all this guy was just stringing you along. I know there’s an argument out there that if a man is only after sex even if you wait it out for 5 years, the minute he gets it, he will be gone. Logical enough though if he is only after sex, then he will also easily get bored with the wait and leave in search of another girl willing to get laid as quick as possible. And that will be good riddance to bad smelly rubbish.
Fretting about the future with him so early into the relationship.
`Where are we headed?’ and `What am i to you?’, 1 week to 3 months into dating are only questions reeking of desperation from you the woman. Let the river take its course. Don’t pile pressure so soon on the man and yourself and have him speeding away to `land without you.’
Revealing too much about you too soon.
Do you realize that you could be disordered if you are the type of woman who starts talking about her family issues or past horrible boyfriends or husband(s) or sexual encounters and lessons you learnt from them so soon into the relationship? What do you expect this man to do? Counsel you? You may think that it will bring you two closer if you disclose a lot about you when in the real sense it will only make the man feel like you are quite a handful. Humans are selfish by nature. We naturally do not like carrying the baggage of others and especially if we know we are carrying ours too secretly. There is some information that is best hidden and there is other information that can be revealed gradually and mutually in the course of the relationship. And especially sexual escapades, leave them in the past if you come from a society where men believe that every woman they date is sexually pure. Telling him about that will only dent your image. This is a huge terrible sin that we women commit in new, promising relationships. We reveal a lot so soon in the hope that we will be better understood and end up having it work or used against us. Time for us to wisen up.
Trying so much to prove yourself to him.
If you are doing that then you are selling yourself short because the man will notice your flimsy efforts and wonder why you are pressurizing yourself so. If he loves you, he will love you irregardless of whether you cuss like a sailor, can’t cook or dress like a man. If he can’t deal with it then he is free to pave way for those who can.