Month: May 2015

Dealing With Your Married Friends or Exes

madamenoire.com

madamenoire.com

Before I begin this post, let me clearly state that I’m speaking from a female perspective.

I have a couple of male married friends and exes. One such friend had tried hitting on me unsuccessfully while still single. Then it so happened that I moved out of town and therefore, me and him got out of touch for a total of 3 years. In 2013, I bumped into him on the streets of my current city and quickly noticed from the wedding band on his left finger, that he was now married. However, we did talk for a couple of minutes and exchanged numbers.

Several months later, I get a text from him. Apparently, he had been thinking about the previous town we both resided in and as expected, I came to mind. I didn’t find anything fishy in that and got into a text conversation with him. What caught me off guard, was when he started telling me about his marital woes as our conversation progressed. I didn’t expect that and certainly not from him.

I mean, what could I, an unmarried 20 something year old, have to offer in form of practical solutions to his marital woes? I remember telling him that I was actually the wrong person for him to disclose his issues to, but my friend insisted on carrying on. And so I listened, albeit reluctantly. I was getting quite uncomfortable when he kept on insisting that I give him advice from my perspective. My perspective my friends, was simple, if you are having constant issues with her, then leave her! And that was actually the main reason why in the first place I didn’t want to be forced into an Agony Aunt role. Mainly because I knew that my advice to a married person was bad.

That incident made me totally minimize contact with that friend afterward, until much much later, when he confronted me and I was clear with him that I didn’t fancy being drawn into his marital woes. But that still didn’t stop him from commenting an additional time that I could have been the one in his life at the moment and not his current wife. Usually, whenever he states that, I remind him yet again that it is she, he married and not me. Therefore we were clearly not destined to be together.

Women get drawn into clandestine relationships with married male friends or exes sometimes unknowingly. How did I come to this conclusion?

When a married friend or ex starts telling you about how much his wife is troubling him and you as the woman, offer a listening ear. Perhaps you want to be a good friend and go ahead to also offer some advice of sorts. Next thing the man is confessing to you how much of a better deal you are when compared to his wife and you still entertain him. He then carries on with how he’s getting tired of his wife feigning mysterious ailments each time he wants to get intimate with her.

Maybe you who might be single, is currently undergoing a dry spell in your sex life and when this man starts confessing about how much he is sexually starved, you find yourself fantasizing of how sex would be with him. Probably you begin to reminisce about the good times when you were dating and in your deluded mind, think you two can rekindle that. After all, he has already done a pretty good job of painting his wife as totally bogus to you. And the more he keeps on telling you that it could have been you and not her, the more you convince yourself that you have still got it.

I’m not trying to say that all married friends or exes have bad intentions with their single friends or exes. Neither am I trying to insinuate that my married friend would have been secretly thinking of having an extra-marital affair with me. I’m simply saying that once a man chooses another woman to marry and not you, then he hasn’t made a mistake the way some may want us to think. Men marry women they have since ascertained are right for them. If he never bothered to pursue you into marriage and ended up pursuing another into marriage, then it clearly means that you were lacking in something or things he considered right for him, period.

When problems starts creeping into their marriage, then their dark sides suddenly come to light and it may be the reason why in a moment of frustration, a married friend or ex may confide to a woman, that he regrets his decision in marrying his current wife. Of course marriage is one hell of a rocky patch and people’s tolerance levels are many times stretched to their limits. It is how the married couple decides to solve their marital issues and how to relate to one another afterward, that determines whether their marriage bond remains strong or shatters into pieces. Therefore, it is not your place, as a an unhitched third party, to allow yourself to be drawn into the issues of two people who have a full knowledge as to why they got married in the first place.

Sometimes single women without a know how of dealing with their male married friends or exes end up fueling fires they have no way of putting out. Remember that you are not a marital counselor! You have no prior experience in marital issues neither are you in a position to give practical advice concerning it. We all know that people in sexless marriages or marriages rocked with constant tribulations may at times seek solace elsewhere. You should not be that solace for that man trying to escape from constant bickering with his wife, or trying to get laid after months without sex or with bad sex in the dark. You are a single woman deserving of a single, level headed, loving, caring, financially capable man.

When dealing with married friends or exes, sometimes I think it is better not to be too close, to the point of misplaced feelings developing between you two.

Celebrating Proudly Feminist’s 3rd Month Anniversary!

So my blog has just hit the 3 month mark. Aint I proud??

To celebrate my blog’s 3rd month anniversary, I decided to pick a few of the search terms from my blog summary, that of course land readers to certain posts here and with a light touch:

Ethiopian girls sex

Ethiopian women sex

Ethiopian man sex

http://www.ethiopian sex.com

Now either this particular reader is a porn addict, obsessed with sex from Ethiopia or my blog is full of sex 😛

I keep getting these particular related search terms on my blog’s stats page which left me kinda horrified, the first time, baffled the second, then amused at all the bad English used to type something similar to the above, afterward.

Hahaha, dear man or woman, who is desperately in need of such information, you will get the tag Sex, yes, on Proudly Feminist but not specifically Ethiopian sex material. I would suggest you consult on other similar related sites, lol!

Nigeria black girls on tight mini skirts

Hilarious! Just hilarious, whatever people search on the Internet. If such a term can land a reader on my blog, then I guess i’m a versatile blogger 😀

Supporting wife career choice maternity

Phew, at least I would like to believe that this is a concerned hubby. Serves to prove that it’s not all about sex in here.

 

As for all my sober minded readers who’ve been reading, liking, following and commenting, a big thank you to all of you!

Proudly Feminist continues….

Are Boys The Weaker Sex Nowadays Or Simply Taking Longer To Mature??

My mum always tells me that if I’m to choose a suitable guy to date, he must be at least 5 years older than I. I have always been one to argue with her with a feeble argument of age is nothing but a number, maturity is all that counts. I used to actually dismiss her statement as so 70s after all, she’s from that generation. Until very recently when I finally came to the conclusion, that guys my age or falling in the 20 something year old age bracket, are actually still men boys.

Just the other day, I was reading a very interesting article from one of those controversial columnists in my country, who never shy away from hitting the nail on the head, no matter how destructive it will be. She was talking about how nowadays, it has since been proven that boys are the weaker sex.

How then do you explain a 27 year old still living at home, with no investment plans in mind, still savoring the benefits of Instagram albeit exceedingly and boozing like there’s no tomorrow? Well, for once, I totally agreed with her and especially when she went ahead to refer to such men boys as “blueband boys”.

I’m a considerate blogger, so I will explain what “blueband” is for my foreign readers.

Blueband is a margarine brand in my country, which was missing in many homes some 20, 25 years back. You see, it has taken a while for several African homes to totally embrace such luxuries as jam, margarine and butter. You will be surprised that some Kenyans still think that cereals are only for children, as evidenced by a certain shopkeeper who gasped when he heard me confess that I was buying Weetabix from his shop, for myself and not my child (which he thought I had).

Apparently, such things as blueband only serve to kick out any remaining sense from the minds of children, who have been brought up layering their bread with it. Perhaps replacing it with more cravings for blueband, I presume? Anyways, if I carry on like this, I will probably turn this post into an essay of “the history of margarine usage in Kenyan homes”.

Anyways, I think this columnist has endured the kind of frustration I have equally endured, when you realize soon enough that you are competing for an eligible bachelor’s attention with his booze or partying lifestyle. No wonder the inspiration behind that particular article.

If you fall in the 20 something female age bracket like I do, you have probably been led to feel like you are simply a misplaced, marriage anticipating girl woman, perhaps once or twice, by a guy whom you were trying to get serious with. These clueless 20 something year old men boys are experts at making women feel as if they are such total bores just for demanding for exclusivity. They will blow you off at the slightest hint from you that you are thinking about the future. And when you end up thoroughly disappointed and decide to date the older, established and more grounded men, they will be the first to point fingers at you that you are simply golddigging.

So how did this phenomenon come to be?

Methinks that education and improved financial status in recent times among many Kenyans, is a huge contributing factor. Don’t look at me that way, I have nothing against education or acquiring wealth! However, if you look back at how our fathers grew up, you will notice that most began fending for themselves quite early in life. If they made it to post high school education, they probably earned a diploma then left home soon after acquiring jobs. With home being a small house or hut separate from the main house, which had been occupied by them from the time they got circumcised. Not a bedroom in the same house as their parents, mind you.

You will be surprised that some were already married while studying for their diplomas, with a wife up country. So obviously, this 22, 23 year old was not only thinking about booze, bedding the lasses and how to splurge his pocket money from a rich daddy somewhere. He was probably thinking of how he will earn his diploma, get gainful employment soon after and take care of his aging parents, wife or young family.

If some were too poor for their parents to even afford a high school education for them, the very education oriented ones resorted to doing all kinds of menial jobs just to make some money to pay their high school fee. The business oriented ones came up with farming or business ideas to get themselves out of poverty. Some cultures actually demanded that young men build a house for themselves before they could settle down in marriage. In that era, by 25, most men were already financially capable to some extent perhaps with a young family in tow.

Fast forward to the late 20th century and boys finish high school, get enrolled into campus with their parents, get a degree. Nowadays, see the need for additional education in the form of a Masters degree, which the financially able dad offers to pay. In all that time this guy is depending on pocket money from his parents since the dad deems it fit that he attains his higher learning certificates, before he can start applying for jobs.

The guy attains his Masters degree, starts job hunting while under his parents’ roof. Since he has made his daddy proud, the dad has no qualms letting him use one of the cars in the compound lying idle, no qualms having him come home late in the night drunk as long as he doesn’t make a racket. By the time the guy hits 27, probably in his first job by then, he has tasted the sweetness of  pocket money from parents and not having to hustle much and therefore, living at home and enjoying his daddy’s riches isn’t such a huge issue to fret about for him.

Then come this mid twenty something year old lass whose motherhood instincts are starting to get stronger by the day and she has been anticipating for a serious, future oriented man who will sweep her off her feet and transform her into a Mrs someday. By bad luck, she hooks up with such a guy above who has since grown used to everything coming easy in his life. Before long, this poor lass suddenly realizes that this was only a short lived romance. The guy had no intention whatsoever of getting serious. He’s still having himself some good fun while leaving crashed lasses in the wake of his fun deluded mind.

You see, a lot of emphasis has been placed on the girl child being prepared for her future roles as a wife and mother. If she can’t cook by a certain age, her family members will probably be going something like ” What kind of a wife will you make if you can’t cook?” If she is forgetful and careless, she will be asked, “What kind of a mother will you make while that careless? Your baby will burn in the kitchen when you are not looking.” Such statements only serve as a wake up call to girl children that they must hurry up and mature by the time they hit their 20s in preparation for their future roles.

Who asks the boy child ” What kind of a husband will you make if you are still dependent on my (his father’s) money?” Or better yet, ” How will you budget your family’s funds if you still live at home or frequently party wild?” And yes, we placed a lot of emphasis on the girl child, empowering her and constantly reminding her of her future responsibilities, to the extent where we forgot all about the boy child who is now wallowing in oblivion. I’m sure if you compared these days’ 20 something year old men to men in the same age bracket 20 years ago, there is indeed a very huge difference.

 

Bad boys hardly change; they simply meet women who can tolerate them

Bad boys, we definitely know them.

With their “I don’t give a s**t”, “don’t let the world dictate who I am” attitude. Bad boys are those guys who are blessed with the greatest sense of style. Oh, how you wish other men got it like they did. But of course the nice guys fall under the prim and proper category. They rarely push the boundaries with their normal jeans or worst case scenario, fixation with official wear. I used to have a course mate in campus who would don official suits Monday to Monday with no break for weekend wear in between and boy, did I find his sense of style boring! I’m a female, I love spontaneity. We all do. No wonder the versatility of female fashion.

Bad boys are those kinds of guys who literally scare you with how much they are into their comfort zones yet you can’t seem to rip yourself off, from their allure. They will get you laughing from morning to evening with their highly interesting tales. Make you push your limits like getting piss drunk while with them or trying something you never thought you would, then make it seem like it’s perfectly normal to do so. They rarely judge. They are the kind of guys you will disclose your deepest secrets to them, some that may have gotten other men into cringe mode and they act like they are totally unperturbed by it. As a matter of fact, they will make it seem so easy for you to confess the most darkest of things to them with their simply non-judgmental attitude.

Loving bad boys is so easy because they make it stress free for us. They don’t come with a long list of specifications on what kind of females they fancy. As long as your sense of style matches theirs, your interests are about 90% similar, you are likeable face wise or body wise and you get their “bad boy” slang and jokes, then you are fit to be a girlfriend. The fact that they are a little particular on the interests sharing bit is what makes most women try their level best to fit in with them. Bad boys are the ones who won’t really fancy a girl who’s all serious, churchy and religious. In most cases, you find them flailing a bit in the world of religion. They might be show ups in church just for the sake of it or contemplating a change of religion. Usually a religion that allows them to carry on with their wild lifestyle while still believing in some higher power. In some cases, religious, churchy girls ditch religion the minute they hook up with a bad boy.

But there’s a twist to it.

In spite of all the fun and amazing sex with a bad boy, there will always be that sick feeling that he might be cheating or not all that honest. There will be times when his way of life will get in the way of your relationship. Those times when you will notice with trepidation that he’s bordering on alcoholism or is hooked on drugs and other vices. Should you voice your concern, then he will react defensively and end up making you feel like you are the one who is changing for the worst. Those times that you will actually catch him cheating but you are already in too deep to yank yourself out of the relationship. Those times where God forbid, he might get physical with you.

Many women find themselves in horrible relationships with bad boys no wonder the saying ” good girls like bad boys”. The allure of a bad boy is usually much stronger than the allure of a nice guy, truth be told. Nice guys are the ones who easily bore you with their lack of spontaneity. Similar to men, women love the thrill of a new relationship. Bad boys keep that thrill alive throughout the often “short lived” romances. Nice guys kill it along the way with their whole make up of seriousness and a monotony of being prim and proper. Women like being kept guessing. Bad boys are excellent at that. They will play all kinds of intentional psychological games with women and have them spend hours racking their brains with their girlfriends to find an answer to the bad boy’s actions.

I know relationship blogs advice us women to try all kinds of amazing tricks with men to get them more interested in us. Sorry ladies, in my blog, I’m mostly blunt.

Whatever tricks you may want to try on a bad boy, it will hardly work. This is a personality of his that he loves having. It gets him all the hot chics flocking to him like bees to a honey jar. It actually keeps him in a make-believe world that he is in control. Rarely will you encounter a bad boy whining over a problem. These guys do suffer low moments just like the rest of us but their personalities enable them to perfectly enact that make-believe world. No wonder the minute a woman starts sharing her sob stories with a bad boy, he immediately shuts her out. He doesn’t fancy being brought back to earth with someone mourning a lost job or family issues. He is perfectly fine with his fixation of he’s got everything under his control. You as a woman are there to provide him with further entertainment and not to turn him into your therapist.

When he feels ready to have a woman by his side for the rest of his life, a bad boy will simply get a woman who tolerates his shenanigans without further ado. A woman he will spend the rest of his life trampling over and she will never elicit any obvious reaction. Bad boys hardly change. They simply find themselves in situations of hubbyhood and fatherhood and find it wise to step up to their newly found status. All these other women the bad boy left in the wake of his destruction simply lacked enough ability to tolerate him. His current wife or baby mama, can tolerate him perfectly. She could equally be a bad girl who doesn’t give a hoot what he’s up to as long as he provides or takes care of his responsibilities.

So dear lady, stop beating yourself over a failed relationship with a bad boy and develop the necessary ability to tolerate the “boring” nice guys who treat you right.

The “My baby”, “Our baby” debate.

Nakuomba Nerea, Usitoe Mimba Yangu We,

Mungu Akileta Mtoto, Analeta Saa ni Yake,

Mlete Ntamlea, Usitoe Mimba Yangu We,

Mungu Akileta Mtoto, Analeta Saa ni Yake…

Many Kenyans are familiar with the above ballad, Nerea by Sauti Sol ft Amos and Josh. But for the sake of my foreign readers, I will translate:

I beseech you Nerea, don’t abort (my baby),

When God gives a baby, he gives it at his own timing,

Bring the baby i will raise it, don’t abort (my baby),

When God gives a baby, he gives it at his own timing…

I’m almost 100% sure by now that my readers who speak English as a first language, have already noticed how much I’m struggling to translate the lyrics from my national language Kiswahili, to my second language, English.

Kenyan boy band, Sauti Sol. Courtesy of classic105.com

Kenyan boy band, Sauti Sol. Image courtesy of classic105.com

Tusker Project Fame runner up duo Amos and Josh who collaborated in the song Nerea with Sauti Sol. Courtesy of www.ulizalinks.com

Tusker Project Fame runner up duo, Amos and Josh who collaborated in the song Nerea with Sauti Sol. Image courtesy of http://www.ulizalinks.com

As a matter of fact, I intentionally put “my baby” in brackets as this particular term in the lyrics, has elicited a lot of debate in my country, ever since the song came out this year and quite recently.

Before i carry on, Congratulations Sauti Sol for getting a nomination for the Best International Act: Africa, at this year’s BET Awards. I must admit I was getting a stiff neck from all that craning I was doing, to see whether I could spot an African musician from Africa, at the previous BET Awards among the audience. And the surge of excitement I experienced when I finally spotted Ice Prince from Nigeria in one of the Awards, can’t remember for which year, but very recent actually. Anyways, I could talk all day concerning music and entertainment, my other passion, but first things first.

I mentioned the struggle to translate something from my first language to my second, and with good reason. You see Mimba Yangu translated directly to English comes out as ‘My pregnancy’. Feminists on the other hand, chose to interpret it to mean that these talented gentlemen, were subtly employing a patronizing innuendo, by choosing to refer to a pregnancy as Mimba Yangu. Apparently, it should have been Mimba Yetu or something of the sort to mean ‘Our Pregnancy’.

Let me refresh the memory of Kenyans a little.

In African society, most cultures state clearly that the child belongs to the father, hence Mimba Yangu, in that context is in order. African women on the other hand have been socialized to believe that sex should not be for the enjoyment of the woman and therefore, the culprits behind the consequences of sex, always happen to be men as they are the ones who relish having it. Therefore, it has never been uncommon for mothers to ask their daughters who have unfortunately fallen pregnant at an unintended time, Mimba ni ya nani? (Whose pregnancy is it?)

Of course if the “perpetrator” of the “crime” happened to not be a rascal who believes that he is ready to have unprotected sex and not ready to be a father, and actually admitted that he was responsible for the pregnancy, he will step in and say Mimba ni Yangu (The pregnancy is mine). People only ask Baba ni nani? (Who is the father?) after the baby is already born and perhaps the poor mother still seems unsure of the paternity of her baby.

To be honest, Kenyans in recent times only started aping the `We are pregnant’ announcement after seeing people from the West doing it. And personally, I don’t believe that Sauti Sol and Amos and Josh are at fault for using the term ‘ Mimba Yangu’. We got used to using that term long before these guys came into the music scene. So let’s spare these talented individuals the unnecessary backlash by some.

In the song, the crooners go on to state that the baby could turn out to be a great person and therefore all the more reason for the woman not to abort. Now I very recently stumbled upon a status update from a woman on Social Media, who identified herself as a feminist and chose to bash the examples of great people that Sauti Sol and Amos and Josh had given in the song.

I did not consider her a feminist at all for equally bashing Lupita Nyong’o as an unworthy example of someone, a parent would want her child to grow up to become. And not because Lupita is my fellow country mate and neither because the ‘feminist’ happened to be from a neighboring country. My only concern was, if you claim to be a feminist, then bashing of fellow women and especially women who have made notable strides in life, is out of bounds. You talk of Lupita Nyong’o stripping naked on a movie and therefore condemn her to be a bad example all the while forgetting that Lupita has made other amazing achievements in her life.

Long before we saw her in Hollywood, she had attended drama school, acted in Shuga and directed In My Genes. So for one scene that some people who consider themselves moralists of sorts to use it to trash her achievements, I found it in bad taste. I’m all for feminism for a good cause and not feminism used to judge, belittle and trash what others are doing all because we who claim to be feminists feel superior.

If Lupita had to strip in that movie, 12 years a slave, she did it because she had the confidence to re-enact that. I personally do not have the confidence to do so and therefore cannot point fingers at her for being supposedly trashy and unworthy of being a role model for children aspiring to be her, for doing it. If at all Sauti Sol and Amos and Josh chose to use Lupita Nyong’o in their song as an example, they used her because she has managed to achieved one of the many firsts for an African woman from the African continent. Isn’t that something for young African girls to look up to??

On to the subject of abortion.

I applaud these gentlemen for using music to provoke thought on things that most societies consider taboo. I find it a horrible case of double standards when a section of men, engage in unprotected sex with women they have little regard for. When the inevitable happens, they are the first to suggest an abortion or pull “A Houdini Stunt”.

In such an unfortunate circumstance, when the poor woman feels pressured to the point of abortion, these same men are the ones who shall be pointing fingers at women they come to know have aborted, in future. Totally forgetting that someone had to abort a baby because of them. These are the same men who will stand up and say ” Mimi siwezi kubali mwanamke atoe Mimba Yangu” ( I cannot allow a woman to abort “my baby” ).

Apparently at the time they pushed someone else to abort because they were downright deadbeat then (and still are, only hypocritical), they were perfectly justified in doing so. The “My baby” then had suddenly transformed to the “chic’s problem”. Question is, did she have sex alone and conceive or there were two people involved: a man and a woman?

I’m a strong believer of keeping the pregnancy whether the man is around or not. Forget about whether the child you as a woman are carrying could have potential or not. Even if this child grows up to be a simple cart pusher in the market place, you should keep it because there is no greater blessing than motherhood. And for those who reject parental responsibility, it is only a curse they are placing upon their lives where there was initially a blessing, in the form of a child.

And so no matter what the haters say, Kudos to Nerea by Sauti Sol ft Amos and Josh!

The “bread crumb” mentality

I was recently reading one of those “Agony Aunt” kind of sections on the newspaper and one woman’s predicament caught my attention. She was writing for the sole purpose of getting advice on a prolonged on and off relationship, which she had been having with a man, who had obviously fallen out of love with her eons ago.

For this post, allow me to abbreviate prolonged on and off relationships as POOF. So this lady seemed to be holding on to some farfetched hope that her POOF with this guy was going to eventually work. Perhaps she just needed some assurance from the Agony Aunt she was writing to, that her hope was indeed valid. And by the said Agony Aunt choosing to go all logic in the reply, this woman’s bubble might have been unintentionally burst in the process.

As a matter of fact, women entertaining POOFs for as long as they can, is not an isolated case. I choose to refer to this particular aspect as the “bread crumb” mentality whereby women choose to make do with the bread crumbs a man is offering them, rather than demanding for the full loaf. How we make do with the bread crumbs is by making excuses for a man’s unacceptable behavior, welcoming him back after disappearing acts and putting up with his philandering ways, all because of the delusion that we still love him and might not survive without him.

Men on the other hand know this and use it to their maximum advantage. Never be fooled by the fact that a man  may not be knowing what he’s actually doing, when he is dishing out bread crumbs instead of the full loaf. Never conclude that in such a scenario, your love and patience will change this man. What will instead happen is a lot of reverse psychology games being played by this same man whom you have allowed to string you along.

The fear of being alone by many women, is what makes them opt to make do with the little they have and to conclude that they are probably over ambitious, for demanding for more. Of course nowadays with this stereotype in place that women are naturally demanding, many women with a yearning for solid relationships, refrain from coming close to being branded “demanding.”

The end result is women tolerating men who hardly value them. This insecurity with self is the driving force behind women staying in unfulfilling POOFs, that drag on for several years, only to have the man meet a new woman someday and end up settling with her. Then this same women will spend additional months beating herself over the fact that she lost this man.

The truth of the matter is that you were actually wasting your time with the wrong man. The saying that there is a right man out there for every woman is indeed very true. He was the wrong man for you but surprisingly enough, the right man for the woman he ended up leaving you for.

Some men are known to test their boundaries quite early on into the relationship. It is the reason that some may intentionally do something that they obviously know will irritate a woman they have just started seeing, to actually see what her reaction will be. For a woman who wants a healthy relationship, a man testing your patience or trying to push your buttons a little to elicit some form of reaction very early on into the relationship, is actually a man who is still playing the field.

If he indeed wanted something serious with you, he wouldn’t be seeing the need to try all these tricks with you within the very first weeks or months of dating.Sadly, most of us fail to spot that particular red flag and instead dismiss it with a ‘boys will always be boys’ excuse. We totally disregard the fact that one day ‘boys become men’ and live up to their expectations of a man. We have led men to conclude that they can play all kinds of tricks with us and we will still be around waiting for them to pull their act together, which of course they have no intention whatsoever of ever doing.

Once they get tired of all the games they have been playing with you, they suddenly realize that they have grown up and move on to another new thing that poses them a challenge. By you putting up with all the shenanigans and reverse psychology games these men were playing with you, you long ceased to be posing any challenge to them.They simply got tired of offering bread crumbs that were easy to find and just to feel manly enough, they moved on to one who would make them work harder to deliver a full loaf.

It is high time women did away with this “bread crumb” mentality and stopped feeling insecure while single. Women need to put a lot of work into their self esteem to be able to successfully achieve this. They need to firmly believe that they are deserving of good men no matter the period of time it is going to take. They need to channel their thoughts onto other important aspects of their lives, while waiting for this good man, who will not dish out bread crumbs and have them scrap the table clean for them together with the dust.

A man who gets into a POOF with a woman is a man who is not deserving of a woman’s patience. He should not be the cause for several sleepless nights and the need to seek answers to his behavior from “Agony Aunts” and the likes. Irregardless of whatever stereotypes are in place, women need to confidently assert for exactly what they want. They equally have a right to do away with men they feel are not living up to their expectations. It is only then that the men who are known to take women on meaningless rollercoaster rides, will wake up and smell the kahawa (coffee) .

The Ways in which women sell themselves short in relationships

Relationships as i have come to realize over time are pretty simple but we women are known to complicate matters relationships by going out with men we are hardly sure of. I have been there and done that before so it’s not like i’m pointing fingers at anyone. However, one of the lessons that has taken me ages to learn is that if a man loves you, you as the woman will automatically know. You will feel it in your bones, you will sense it, you will be at ease with it. If he doesn’t, then you will be frantically searching the internet for ‘clues to know if he is in love with you’ kind of topics or running to your girlfriends with unsure questions about this man, which you hope your equally clueless girlfriends will help you straighten out. Worst case scenario, you will be the one always initiating conversations with this man or spending a lot of your time trying to get him to notice you.

Dear women, God did not design us to be desperately searching for men to love and validate us. God designed men to be the pursuers and women to be the ones being pursued. No matter how ‘proudly feminist’ (like me  😛  ) you purport to be, leave the men to do the work that was initially designed for them. A lot of women end up selling themselves short in relationships in a shoddy job of being the pursuer instead of the one being pursued. The following are some of the ways they do that:-

Ditching your friends.

A couple of women are known to ditch their friends the minute they have a man in their lives and only concentrate on him. You might think that you no longer need to spend your time with your girlfriends like you did before, while single because you now have this very amazing man in your life, but what you are actually showing this same man is that you do not value your other life. You are showing him that you are willing to throw all that away without a care in the world or a consideration of what next, should the relationship eventually God forbid, fail.

Men retain their buddies even when they have already crossed that bridge of being accorded husband status. Their boys will always be their boys. It doesn’t matter whether all of them are hitched or some are still single and playing the field. My own dad had a senior bachelor close friend who used to visit us occasionally whenever he was in town. It really puzzled my mum what these two men had in common. One unmarried and without responsibilities and the other a family man. My dad’s response when my mum questioned him about it was that they had schooled together in high school. That wasn’t a friendship to just throw away because he was married with kids and his friend wasn’t.

This just proves how much men value their friendships with other men whether in a relationship or not and women should do the same. Do not feel like you are now a diva because you bagged a hot caring man and therefore your friends have transformed overnight into total bores (and by the way, you are suffocating your man with all that attention you are since giving him). You will need those friends for `girls night out’ or for `girls talk’ or when you need time away from your man.

Being always available in the initial stages.

If you are the woman who is ever available for dates, always pick the calls on the first ring, always seek the guy out if he’s quiet, bombard him with several calls a day during the first couple weeks of dating, just know that you are selling yourself really short, period! No man respects that. As a matter of fact, men run very fast from such women. They can win a sprinting gold medal for it. Get a life girl! You need it.

Sleeping over at his place so soon.

And by so soon i mean within the first week of dating to the first month of dating. It doesn’t matter whether he was the one who invited you over himself, turn him down! Men have been trained to be sweet to the opposite sex. Their mothers always cautioned or punished them even for being too rough with their sisters. It is ingrained in men to act sweet to women. No wonder he will act like he doesn’t really mind having you over so soon. However, which man on this earth can share a bed with a woman and not be tempted to touch?? Ask yourself girl. We have inbuilt sexual desires. How we utilize those sexual desires tells a lot about us. If you the woman are foolishly going over to a man’s place so soon to spend the night, know that he will assume it is something you are used to doing. He will equally have no qualms sleeping with you. After you leave, he will avoid you like the plague because he has come to a conclusion already, `you are way too cheap.’

I know ladies you won’t like hearing this from a fellow female but the truth of the matter is, after spending a night so soon at a man’s house, you deserve the cold treatment and ignored texts and calls afterward.

Sleeping with him so soon.

On a first date?? Absolute NO-NO unless you are good to go with an FWB kind of relationship or a very short lived one for that matter. Sex is beautiful but more beautiful when delayed in a relationship. Get to know this guy first. Find out his intentions. Is he in it for the long haul or for the time being? Does he truly feel the same about you like you do him? You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak just by delaying the gymnastics if at all this guy was just stringing you along. I know there’s an argument out there that if a man is only after sex even if you wait it out for 5 years, the minute he gets it, he will be gone. Logical enough though if he is only after sex, then he will also easily get bored with the wait and leave in search of another girl willing to get laid as quick as possible. And that will be good riddance to bad smelly rubbish.

Fretting about the future with him so early into the relationship.

`Where are we headed?’ and `What am i to you?’, 1 week to 3 months into dating are only questions reeking of desperation from you the woman. Let the river take its course. Don’t pile pressure so soon on the man and yourself and have him speeding away to `land without you.’

Revealing too much about you too soon.

Do you realize that you could be disordered if you are the type of woman who starts talking about her family issues or past horrible boyfriends or husband(s) or sexual encounters and lessons you learnt from them so soon into the relationship? What do you expect this man to do? Counsel you? You may think that it will bring you two closer if you disclose a lot about you when in the real sense it will only make the man feel like you are quite a handful. Humans are selfish by nature. We naturally do not like carrying the baggage of others and especially if we know we are carrying ours too secretly. There is some information that is best hidden and there is other information that can be revealed gradually and mutually in the course of the relationship. And especially sexual escapades, leave them in the past if you come from a society where men believe that every woman they date is sexually pure. Telling him about that will only dent your image. This is a huge terrible sin that we women commit in new, promising relationships. We reveal a lot so soon in the hope that we will be better understood and end up having it work or used against us. Time for us to wisen up.

Trying so much to prove yourself to him.

If you are doing that then you are selling yourself short because the man will notice your flimsy efforts and wonder why you are pressurizing yourself so. If he loves you, he will love you irregardless of whether you cuss like a sailor, can’t cook or dress like a man. If he can’t deal with it then he is free to pave way for those who can.