For many young women, the desire of walking down the aisle someday in future is always somewhere within the precincts of their hearts. Men have accused us for equally having very elaborate plans of how our weddings should be and what color our bridesmaids should wear. Apparently, for the African man or Kenyan man for that matter, a wedding is usually an unnecessary expense for a one day event. They like to make it seem like they are such economists, these men and women, spendthrifts. Well, we have been told that men come in all shapes and sizes and that Mr Right is only a figment of our very delusional imagination. I don’t dispute the all shapes and sizes fact but as an aspiring wife and a woman who calls bulls***t, bull***t and not a coated term, there are certain types of men that i firmly believe should be avoided at all costs no matter how fast the biological clock is ticking. Here goes:
1. Men threatened by a financially independent woman.
In the 21st century, many more young women are being encouraged on almost a daily basis to be financially independent. You don’t want to get married to a man and be so financially dependent on him to the extent where you can’t afford your own inner wear and tampons. Men have always been screaming from the rooftops about gold diggers and the fact that they don’t consider themselves money machines for women. The surprising thing is that quite a sizable amount of men get very threatened by a woman who can actually afford herself and much more. I thought you hated us asking for pesa ya mboga (grocery money) and would rather spend that 100 kshs we are asking for to buy spinach and tomatoes on a bamba 100 (phone credit) then sulk at us for being so pathetically broke afterward. Or actually have the nerve to demand for meat when you come home later in the evening yet you know very well that 100 bob cannot buy a kilo of meat, spinach, sukuma, tomatoes and onions. Didn’t you consider us a bother when we requested for capital for a small business yet you wanted to construct your parents a permanent house or were already in the process of doing so?
So for some men to actually feel threatened that a woman can afford her own investments, i find it highly contradictory and a put off. Any man who cannot handle the healthy competition from a financially independent woman probably has unhealthy ego issues that need to be checked. He is going to be a thorn in the flesh if you decide to give him a chance to marry you. This is the kind of man who will brand you kichwa ngumu (hard headed) for making your own financial decisions or mchoyo (selfish) and sneaky for having properties in your name. He will fight you every step of the way in a bid to validate himself and if all his efforts fail, he will divorce you or move out while branding you an unbearable wife. Next minute you will see him with a pretty young thing who is less financially independent than you because he prefers as minimal competition as possible from a woman. She will be much easier to handle and you will beat yourself thinking that he left you because he considered you inadequate and ugly yet the problem is solely his. So young woman, save yourself from unnecessary trouble by avoiding such men.
2. Insecure Men.
A man who is always accusing you of flirting with other men or dressing for other men while still in a relationship is a man who will stress you out big time in marriage. The minute you become his wife, he will place an unspoken `no talking to the opposite sex’ rule on you and will react with anger when other men look at you while in his company. He will accuse you of sleeping your way to a promotion, sleeping with the local male shopkeeper, flirting with your male colleagues, eyeing the neighbor’s shamba boy (gardener) and just about any human that walks around in a trouser. If you try to justify your actions, he may resort to being violent with you or those men he considers threats to his marriage. Another NO-NO.
3. Men with a patriarchal kind of thinking.
Last time i checked, the Bible stated clearly that `Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church’ then it went on to say `Wives submit to your husbands.’
Chauvinistic men or men with a patriarchal kind of thinking choose to ignore the first verse and stick to the second. Such men believe that women should submit to any kind of man as long as he
owns has married her. They assume that their dowry payment for that woman means that she is now a commodity to be treated like a second hand T-shirt in the market stall or a doormat. The idea that a woman can only submit to a man who loves and respects her and finds it hard to submit to a man who mistreats her, is completely lost to them. They interpret fear as submission from a woman and in some cases may not hesitate to brag to their male friends about just how much their wives respect them.
A woman who is fearful of her husband does not love him neither is she submitting to him. She is only doing those things she knows will not anger him for the sake of peace and their children. In some situations, the minute her children are grown and have attained their degrees, she might leave that husband or move into a different room.
Such men are the ones who tell a girlfriend that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and nowhere else or a woman should only listen to her husband’s instructions and follow them to the latter or that a woman who is learned ni kisirani (trouble) or men have the right to
discipline beat their wives if she is on the wrong. If you young woman are actually sitting down listening to such bullcrap from your boyfriend and trying to argue out your point in the hope of changing him, just know that your efforts will not bear any fruit. Run as fast as you can because should he marry you, then your very existence will wither off and be replaced by your husband’s tyranny over your life.
4. Violent men.
There are communities in my country which used to believe that beating a wife is a sign of love. And those wives enjoyed the act of the husband chasing them around in the compound in a bid to catch and beat them up. Let me make it clear that such kinds of thoughts remain in the pre-colonial era. If you are a man who has lived in independent Kenya, went to school, have a well paying job, wear the latest suit and casual men’s wear and in the vicinity of your bedroom walls still strangle and hit your wife, then you ought to hide yourself in shame from the rest of the world.
Violent tendencies in a man do not begin to show while in a marriage. For most women who have been very unfortunate to be with such men as husbands, they began to notice the tendencies from the time they were dating. Any boyfriend who occasionally slaps you then claims that you made him do it is an abuser. It doesn’t matter how desperately in love with him you are, he will make it worse, the minute you get married to him. Any boyfriend who throws you out of his house at odd hours of the night because of a disagreement is also an abuser. Any boyfriend who displays violence towards animals, walls and tables and never toward you is also an abuser. Run very fast as if you are fleeing from ghosts because if this ghost catches up with you, he will gobble you up.
NOTE: For my readers who are foreign, forgive me for the over use of Swahili words 😛 Sometimes i think some things are explained way better in our native tongue.