Sex is a beautiful act: sweet and memorable.
However, the beauty of sex is at certain times trashed in the event of rape or forced sex amongst couples or people who know each other.
A section of the opposite gender, seem to have a huge problem understanding why a woman they took out on a first date, bought her drinks, got her drunk, took her up to their room and had sex with her in her drunk state, may feel offended or even sexually violated the morning after. They may even accuse her of acting childish yet she is a grown up who had full knowledge that in the setting they were in, the previous night, sex was inevitable. Another smaller section believes that when a woman shows up at your doorstep visiting, you just have to get into her panties whether she wants it or not. Apparently, after you start the deed, she will automatically enjoy it and will only be seeming to say NO because she doesn’t want to seem too eager. After all, women have been trained not to act too eager in the event of sex. Those men who still believe that when a woman says NO she actually means a YES. And you might think that in modern times this notion amongst some men has finally disappeared. Forgive me for bursting your bubble but sadly, from the look of some unfortunate situations, it hasn’t quite faded into oblivion.
I was reading a certain article recently concerning the New Delhi rapists who assaulted gravely and raped a 23 year old woman before throwing her out of a moving bus. For those who kept up with the story, they know how the deed sparked outrage and demonstrations in India condemning sexual violence against women. However, when one of the rapists was recently interviewed by a certain journalist, he seemed to express no remorse at all and actually claimed that had the victim not fought back, then she could still be alive by now or something of the sort. How sick can that get?
Back home, the media has been awash in the past couple of days, with the story of a parliamentarian who is alleged to have raped a 29 year old married woman who had the intention of doing business with him. Now i did not want to talk about that incident too soon on my blog, because of the conflicting reports with people now starting to choose sides. Others believed that the married woman was at fault for hanging out with a man, who by the way happens to be her husband’s friend, at 10 in the night. Yet others believed the rape claims leveled against the said parliamentarian. Well, the DNA tests were taken and the results came out positive and frankly, i still don’t know what to make of that story until the final verdict, as the case is still ongoing in our local courts.
Many times we have also joked with our girlfriends about incidents where certain men took us out on first dates with the intention of getting kinky as the night progressed, and how we came up with all sorts of crazy excuses to get out of the situation. One spoke of how she had to feign stomach ulcer pain to the extent of vomiting so that she could be dropped back home safely after a night out with some men friends. Another feigned a diarrhea bout. Others had to come up with imaginary dates so that the man would remain eager, as you managed to escape this time round from having to sleep with him and probably for good.
A sister of one of my roommates when i resided in the hostel, was unfortunate to escape with cuts on her fingers after a man she and her friends decided to hang out with, got violent when they couldn’t have sex with him and started throwing beer bottles at them in his house. As if to add salt to injury, he threw them out of the house past 1 am leaving them to their own devices and they ended up spending a night in a hotel lobby where the receptionist was gracious enough to allow them. The reason for all these gimmicks is usually the fact that some small section of men believe that women have to pay for the dates and good times with their bodies. And we have therefore resorted to arming ourselves with extra cab money while going out on dates with people we don’t really trust their intentions with us, in case things get ugly.
I am all for the `carrying extra money’ idea as a way of trying to protect ourselves. But as a woman, at times i find myself concluding that we could avoid those dates altogether where we feel like the man wants something we can’t give from us. I’m sure some women have not been that lucky to get off easily and ended up feeling dirty and violated afterward because of the deed. The sad reality is that many fail to report these unfortunate incidences because they firmly believe that they are at fault for going out with this man or for actually taking themselves to his house. According to them, nobody took them there forcefully and therefore it would be hard to prove anything nor to get anyone to believe their claims. I don’t blame them whatsoever in feeling that way. I actually empathize with their predicament.
However, let me make it clear to all and sundry that forced sex is equivalent to rape. Just the fact that one of the parties wasn’t willing qualifies it to be rape. It doesn’t matter whether you took yourself to his house or to his car willingly or not. A man who forces himself on a woman without her consent is actually a chauvinist who has misplaced notions of sex and downright malicious. He is lacking in any ounce of morality and probably battles self esteem issues and therefore deserves to be punished for his deeds and i really wish that was very possible in situations such as these where the women feel at fault. It is high time we called a spade a spade and not a big spoon and outlined clearly what is equivalent to sexual violation of women. It is so sad that when women get raped some people take it upon themselves to point fingers at how they were dressed and where they were walking at the time of the incident or in whose company they were in as a justification for the rape. Instead of empathizing with these women, society sometimes castigates them and further wounds them.
It is for this reason that i at times feel that if women are in a position to protect themselves in certain situations, then they should. Women are equipped with strong instincts and i thank our heavenly father greatly for that. It is that same instinct that warns us beforehand of a man’s ill intentions when he is asking us to meet him somewhere or to go somewhere with him. It doesn’t matter how much acquainted with that man we are. If we feel it within that something is not right, then we better forgo the date or whatever plans we had planned with him. It is better to be the dull girl who misses out on all the fun than the girl who readily agrees on a weekend out of town with some obviously `sex hungry’ man, only to have him force himself on her. Any man who feels the need to be paid for drinks, food and excursions or trips out of town with a woman’s body is only a perverted misogynist.
It is high time that everyone understood that rape is never the victim’s fault and neither is forced sex. It is also high time that women understood that there are indeed men out there, who respect women and would never force themselves on a woman even when in privacy with her and not the misplaced notion that all men are after sex. It is only then that they will have enough confidence to call forced sex what exactly it is and not to feel like they deserved it.