Have you ever gotten into a relationship where everything was going just fine then all of a sudden the guy pulled a Houdini stunt on you? Or worst case scenario, he pulled the stunt just after you two had gotten intimate? I know some men after reading this are going to claim that also women can pull Houdini stunts in relationships but considering the nature of my blog, most of my arguments will have the female in mind and frankly i’m unapologetic about that.
There are those Houdini stunts which are somehow slower and those ones that are just rapid like PAP! (like we say in my country) and the guy is gone. The slower ones are when the calls or texts start diminishing or the times you meet become non-existence or you suddenly realize that your boyfriend hardly pays any attention to you while you are talking just generally. You may even get a kind of `bored with you’ vibe from him. The rapid ones are when he suddenly vanishes just after you two had sex or after a while of constant communication with no explanation whatsoever. If you are quite a reader of relationship or love and dating blogs like i am, you must have realized by now that there is something they call the pull-back phase.
By explanation, this is when the man in your life starts withdrawing from you and being as female as you are, you start trying to find out why he is doing so. Apparently, this creates the rubber band effect where the guy is trying hard to pull back and you are following him with your questions and demands and the rubber band of course goes slack meaning he loses interest in you. But apparently, there is a twist to it, if he pulls back and you let him go, then he will snap back towards you meaning he will eventually come back. But then if you let him pull back completely and cut him off when he is trying to come back, then the rubber band will break meaning he might leave for good. At least that is the interpretation of the rubber band effect that i managed to get from some of the dating blogs i have been poring over.
Anyone who has had to experience this from their man know how hurting and annoying it usually is. You get many questions in your head and wonder what exactly you did wrong for him to act the way he is acting. You may also flip out on him in the process. Then you try to find some answers and probably search the Internet for something or ask your girlfriends for advice or other guy friends for that matter. The downside is, most dating advice blogs will give you the usual `men needing to reconnect with their masculine side’ or `working out their true feelings for you’ excuses for them withdrawing. Others will claim that you probably sold yourself too short in the initial stages of the relationship and therefore you need to change tact. Don’t get me wrong, i really appreciate the advice that the writers of these particular blogs put in much of their time to give to their readers, but as a proudly feminist, i can’t help but think different.
I have been in a relationship where the man constantly pulled a Houdini stunt on me and i tolerated it for close to 4 years. He would be gone for months but then all of a sudden, he would be back and i, being the mushy me i was then, would take him back. The last stunt lasted a total 1 year and 8 months and then he was back and i was actually in another relationship by then but was willing to get back with him. But not for long, the guy was gone before i could even say `yellow’. Next thing i knew, he had gotten married. Did i get devastated on knowing about his marital status? Not really. In fact, i was happy that i wouldn’t be hearing from him ever again. By then the Houdini stunts from him had become normal for me.But i sure used to get highly devastated all those times he kept on disappearing on me and then reappearing. I questioned a lot of things including my level of education all the while thinking that i had the problem.
Another guy i dated would ask for his space and i would give it to him as we lived in close vicinity and i knew that at times, it would be inevitable for me not to see him everyday. However, despite his complaints and my attempts at giving him the space he wanted, he still acted dissatisfied. In the end after close to two years of an on and off relationship, we called it quits for good. Others did not even bother to let me know what was up but they sure as hell slackened on the communication and on the frequency of our meetings leaving me to fill in the blanks for myself. Which was of course almost unbearable for me at times.
The whole point of this `confession’ of mine?
It is to tell you women, who are suffering and beating yourselves over the fact that a man you thought loved you has suddenly disappeared on you without explanation, that such kinds of relationships hardly work. For some, yes. But for most, hardly.
I have witnessed people i know personally date for several years, are always in each other’s company like `two peas in a pod’ while seeming to enjoy it and never once, did the man need space to recharge his masculinity or to feed his testosterone levels or whatever excuse is given concerning the occurrence of that. One relationship ended in marriage and the other is still going strong. My point is, if a man is withdrawing from you in a relationship, he SIMPLY DOESN’T LOVE YOU. And if there is anything related to love in his system, then it is UNDISTINGUISHED LIKE. Meaning, he is not that sure whether he is in love with you or not. And dear sister, you don’t need to read about how to get him back to you nor to wait by the phone for the day he will call or text. No matter how tough it is for you to let go of this particular man, you need to mentally train yourself to forget his existence and focus on yourself.
Not unless you are willing to set yourself up for an on and off relationship. Men who initially left come back for various reasons. For others, it is only curiosity which drives them to pick up the phone and call a woman they relegated to the back seat months or years ago. Some want to show off their achievements to those women they know will be awed by it and sadly, if he is calling you for that, you can just tell where he has placed you in his heart. In the place reserved for cheapskates who get mesmerized by material things. A section just want a lay. Yet another section may be desperate for female attention before the next hot thing comes around.
Are you sure you want to entertain such a man who keeps on disappearing and reappearing without notice? You can’t even account for his actions when you were apart. Do you want to die of jealousy and pain when he suddenly settles down with another woman after playing around with you like a tennis ball for years.
If at all men needed to recharge their masculinity or testosterone levels from time to time, then they wouldn’t be getting into marriages in the first place. How then would they have survived in a marriage while seeing the same woman on a daily basis and sharing a bed with her? Probably end up in the ICU because of `chronic denied space’. Of course in a relationship as adults, you both know what amount of space to give each other and at what times but for a man just to disappear like that because he needs to sort out his feelings regarding you, it actually doesn’t make sense at all to me. If he wasn’t sure at first about you, he had no business being with you. Why string you along then take time off abruptly to think?
Women need to love themselves. Love yourself to the extent where a man really has to pull up his socks to give you the love you deserve from him. If you unfortunately meet one who disappears, let him be and don’t wait around for him to come back. He never loved you nor will he truly when he gets back. He’s probably just checking up on you while still keeping his options open. Such men are commitment phobes who suddenly feel suffocated by commitment and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the poor woman who sadly ended up with such a guy. Say bye bye to his Houdini stunts for good because you doubt their authenticity.