Month: April 2015

What’s the real definition of beauty??

A question that probably has no definite answer.

I’m a huge fan of Trisha, the talk show. Just yesterday, there was this African American woman on the show whose definition of beauty was kinda skewed. She hated that she was African-American and preferred to wear blonde wigs as well as blue contacts. When Trisha asked her if she thought black was beautiful, she said that black was only beautiful if you made it but according to her, white was automatically very beautiful. Now i have nothing against any race but i couldn’t help but find her argument childish, mostly because i believe that all colors are beautiful and that terming one color being more beautiful than another, is only furthering a misplaced race stereotype. I felt sorry for her that she hated herself for being of African descent and was literally projecting her self hate to others who were comfortable in their skin.

In my country, i have heard women from different tribes being placed into certain ‘beauty’ categories by people who feel justified in doing so. Quite recently, one of our comedians decided to do a tribal joke, where he claimed that women of a certain tribe were pretty to look at because of their lovely faces but when they stood up, there was apparently nothing to write home about as they were lacking in booty. He further joked that while women of another tribe lacked in lovely faces, they were well endowed with booties that got men drooling as soon as they stood up. Needless to say, i personally found his joke in bad taste.

Several years back, i came to know of foot binding in China while watching a certain Oprah Winfrey Show episode. I couldn’t believe that there was actually such a thing as binding the feet, so that they could fit into really tiny shoes as women with large feet during that period in China, were considered unattractive.

For around 10 centuries, successive generations of Chinese women endured a practice when as children, their feet were systematically broken and shaped in such a way that they resembled hooves.

Every girl who wished to marry had her feet bound.

The procedure entailed binding the girls’ toes underneath the sole, using very long ribbons to wrap the feet all the way to the ankle. ( to avoid the feet growing too large)

In order to facilitate moving around, women with bound feet developed strong muscles in their hips, thighs and buttocks so much that these characteristics were considered physically attractive to the Chinese men of the era.

Excerpts from http://www.theatlantic.com/china/the-peculiar-history-of-foot-binding-in-china

A practice that was reserved for the upper class in society and that was indeed extremely painful for the little girls of about 4 or 5. All in the name of acquiring that desirability or beauty if you may like.

The Mursi, Chai and Tirma are probably the last groups in Africa amongst whom it is still the norm for women to wear large pottery or wooden discs or ‘plates’ in their lower lips.

It is often claimed that the size of the lip plate is correlated with the size of a woman’s bride wealth.

Excerpts from http://www.mursi.org/introducing-the-mursi

And while these practices may seem thoroughly outrageous and excruciatingly painful to others of different cultures, to these particular peoples, it was/is perfectly OK for them to go to such lengths just to attract the opposite sex in marriage.

Women the world over have always struggled with beauty. They have always held a desire to conform to what society accepts or dictates to be beautiful. If you came from a society where being slim was considered more desirable, then women were willing to go to any length just to achieve that desirability. Likewise if you came from a society which considered a little more booty and big boobs to be sexy, then women would rather go under the plastic surgeon’s knife to get that big round booty and full bust.

Sometimes society is guilty of preaching the unattainable for some such as lighter skin being more prettier than darker skin. Advertising companies will put up billboards with African women, who are flawlessly caramel or latte in skin tone and sometimes avoid the darker skinned women, falling in the dark chocolate to ebony category and that single aspect, will get some darker women fretting because of their skin tone. Bleaching agents have been made available for women willing to go to any length to achieve that lighter skin tone. In my country, quite recently, a certain popular socialite lightened her skin to get a more ‘desirable’ look. Supposed moralists lashed at her for what they considered a bad example to the younger women looking up to public figures as role models, but she casually silenced them by a `my body is my money maker’ statement. Several months later, she was back with fuller boobs never mind that she was initially still well endowed. Nowadays, there are contests in my country such as `Miss Big Bum’ where women flaunt their assets to win the top price of the biggest bum of all.

You might think that all these things are pretty harmless when in the real sense their main aim is to preach a certain standard or definition of beauty that majority of women should have. There is absolutely no real definition of beauty. Beauty as i have come to realize is only a belief. It is this same belief that makes people and cultures to come up with enhancements such as body art and piercings to further that already existing notion of beauty. For women in Arabic and Asian countries such as India, the henna is a form of body art that enhances the sensuality of a woman. For women from other societies, perhaps the henna seems like an unnecessary bother and they would rather have a permanent ink tattoo as body art. The way a teen somewhere would think that having lots of piercings makes her prettier or cooler and another teen somewhere will only prefer two piercings on both ears and be comfortable with that also further proves that beauty is a belief.

henna designs on an indian bride-toomanycookiejars.blogspot.com

henna designs on an indian bride-toomanycookiejars.blogspot.com

 

Every society, culture and individual has their own definition of beauty. The diversity of it all is what makes each one of us unique. However, what skews this diversity is when certain societies start imposing their beliefs of what is beautiful to others and therefore ruining whatever uniqueness was initially out there. It is the confusion of it all that causes women the world over to have this inherent pressure to conform and equally makes them battle self esteem issues when naturally everyone is uniquely endowed in her own way. There are so many beliefs of what is pretty out there that should we start focusing on all of them as a particular society, we will be thoroughly confused or misguided. Instead what we should be doing is embracing whatever our beliefs of beauty are while respecting the different beliefs of others. The world would be really boring if all women would look the same.

Are women settling for less in relationships???

I think so.

I come from a society which places age limits on women when it comes to settling down. The first time i encountered this was when i was talking to a friend over the phone and all of a sudden, he mentioned that i was remaining with only 4 years before i became ‘expired material’. I was 24 then meaning according to him, i ought to be settled by 28. The second time was yet another male friend who acted genuinely concerned, by letting me know that in 3 years time, i should be settled with a hubby. The third time, it wasn’t directed at me but to all women generally. This female lecturer was telling us in class how she had met one of her former students who was already in her late twenties and not yet married. According to her, she was concerned as to why this particular former student opted to first concentrate on her career before settling down and advised her to hurry up and find an eligible man.

Welcome to Proudly Feminist, where such stereotypes are trashed!

Women have been pressured by societies to the point of settling for less in relationships because they don’t want the `expiry date’ to catch up with them. As long as the man seems willing to settle and the woman is in her late 20s, then she has no qualms moving in with him, never mind whether they are indeed compatible or not or whether he will ever make it official or never. Makes me wonder at times when the `expiry date’ for men is since some stay till 35 years of age before they think of marriage. I have heard of men claiming that women who have reached their 30s while still single are no good, because of the number of sexual partners they have had from the time they broke their virginities. Others claim that by 30, a woman is already aging. Who talks about the number of sexual partners a senior male bachelor has had? Who talks about a man aging by the time he hits 30 while still unmarried? Never mind that some 30 year old men already have a beer belly thing going on in their bodies. All these people furthering these stereotypes need to know that a marriage is for a life time and that the period of time you date someone also matters.

thatstotallytarot.com

thatstotallytarot.com

Many people have been led to believe that the dating period does not count. I don’t dispute that fact as there are indeed people out there who dated for less than 6 months and ended up in wonderful, solid marriages. However, for those women who are for the idea of dating for a longer period of time and are also a little scared that age is catching up with them, my only advice would be not to fret. I personally, do not believe in age limits. The placing of age limits on women by society is what makes women rush into marriages without getting to know the men properly. It is what makes women settle for bogus men because they are scared of society pointing fingers at them. Yet there is a good reason why people date in the first place. So as to learn about each other more and to find out whether you can handle each other’s shortcomings or not.

Why should you put up with less only for a marriage to break 2 or 3 years down the line?

What women need to know is that having a man in your life is not a direct ticket to happiness.  It is equally not an escape route for personal insecurities and problems. Another thing they also ought to know is that it is perfectly OK  for a woman to have standards as to what kind of a man she wants. It doesn’t matter if it will take her 10 years to find that man. As long as she is clear on her specifications, then she should not worry what society thinks of her. Some women are equally known to point fingers at their fellow unmarried counterparts by claiming that they are single so that they can prey on their husbands. If at all you married the man of your dreams and trusted him fully to the point of living with him in the same house, why then are you worried that a single woman somewhere is going to snatch your man??

It is this pressure that society places on women that makes them settle for men they are not sure of and have them turn into these paranoid monsters, who in turn will face ridicule from society yet again, for watching over their husbands like hawks. Nobody places this rush on men to marry. As a matter of fact, men are allowed to pursue their dreams, make their investments and enjoy their singlehood to the fullest and even though some concerned parents may at times ask for grandchildren from their sons, it is never that serious. Women on the other hand are made to feel odd for wanting to pursue their careers, make their investments and enjoy their singlehood. They are made to feel that with a man in their lives, everything will just fall into place and that their worries and fears will just fade away once in a marriage. What society fails to acknowledge is that in recent times, everyone is for himself and therefore, you may get into a marriage where the man is hardly a provider. You then need to have something to sustain you and your family while in such a situation.

There is nothing absolutely wrong with delaying marriage no matter what age a woman is. A woman needs to be very assertive when it comes to relationships. The same way a man points out clearly the kind of women he would settle down with and the kind he would not dream of even getting near, should be the same way a woman points out the exact kind of man she wants. When society kills that assertive spirit in women by making it seem like they need to do something so as to get that societal respect, then we have many women getting into marriages for the sake of it. They do not get married to the ones they really want rather they get married so that they can have kids before a certain age catches up with them or to beat the outrageous `expiry dates’ placed on them. The end result is people tolerating each other in marriage and not loving each other enough to keep the marriage bond strong.

When women are treated as lesser beings because they are the weaker sex.

I have come to realize over time that this word submission has been highly misused. I think some cultures assume that women being the weaker sex should submit to the husband no matter what kind of treatment is being meted unto them by that same husband. If he is the philandering type, then the woman should turn a blind eye to his actions and not question him about the women he has been spotted with, going into a lodging at daytime or having drinks with at a bar somewhere when purporting to be working late. That she should accept the blame when the husband infects her with an STI as a result of his `can’t keep my zipper closed’ ways and actually denies being the one who infected her with it. Or worst case scenario, if he infects her with the deadly HIV virus and unfairly makes her carry the cross never mind that the woman has only had one sexual partner (her husband) ever since she got married.

That women should still respect a man who beats the daylights out of them on a daily basis often times over imaginary mistakes. And should they gather enough courage to stand up for themselves then they should be prepared for another beating for being hardheaded bold. That women should only follow the husband’s instructions and decisions and never chip in because the husband being the head of the family, is a know it all and deserves total obedience even when he is being downright unreasonable.  And even if the husband is a potato couch who does nothing, his wife should never complain despite the pressure he is putting upon her to be the sole provider for the family. If she happens to complain then she is dismissed as being haughty as a result of her increasing financial independence and immediately branded a no good wife. In fact, the money she makes should be given to the husband whether he has contributed in the business or not.

I know some sensitive men out there reading this will definitely go `also women cheat and act unfairly toward the men in their lives. It’s not only men.’ As a matter of fact, when i started this blog, i had to contend with a commenter who chose to take everything i posted personally like i was directly hitting at him when in the real sense, i didn’t even know him. I don’t dispute that fact by the way that women can also be abusers and cheaters. I know for a fact that there are women out there who still sleep around while married and take their husbands for granted. However, the nature of my blog favors the woman and for those who may be feeling a little aggrieved that i am not addressing the women who are putting the men in their lives through untold stress by their philandering or evil ways, kindly bear with me.

Patriarchal societies have ensured that women have been thoroughly oppressed and men given the upper hand never mind that some don’t even deserve it. There are communities in my country in this 21st century which would not allow women to mix with the men during a meeting. In fact, the women are relegated to the very back, a distance from the men. Does this mean that since women are the weaker sex then they are also equally stupid and have nothing of value whatsoever to contribute in a community meeting? Does this mean that women who carry babies in their wombs for 9 months, bring them forth into this world in excruciating pain, nurture those children until they become adults, till the land, carry firewood, cook, build houses (in some cultures in my country), have absolutely nothing to offer in the society except total submission to men who do not value them? As if that is not enough, some women have to endure FGM and suffer all their lives sexually as a result of the distortion of their genitals then still be treated as if their only mission in this world is to please the man sexually in marriage.

According to me, i believe that submission is earned and while i totally agree with submission to the husband in marriage, i know that a man who hardly places any value on a woman in his life makes it very hard for this woman to truly respect and obey him. I know that a woman equally deserves her respect no matter her level of exposure and literacy. It is women who keep the family together and running when the husbands are caught up in this fast paced world trying to eke a living and better themselves. Women have this hidden strength in them that enables them to persevere in situations like widowhood. For most men, they are known to marry immediately or a bit later after a wife’s death. For a sizable number of women in my country for example, they opt to raise their kids as widows and do not remarry. Mostly because society sometimes frowns upon a woman who remarries after her husband’s death. And even though it may not be easy raising children singlehandedly without the support of a husband, these women persevere. If at all the men did not really need the women in their lives and considered them an unnecessary bother, why then do they remarry after the death of a spouse or a divorce for that matter?

When this word submission is misused, then we have men treating women carelessly while reveling in the fact that since they are men and the heads of the family, the women will automatically submit to them. And should they show other signs not related to submission, then the men have a right to force them into submission. But what these men seem to fail to understand is that a very thin line separates submission from oppression. If you as a man is giving your bare minimum to a woman in your life and expecting submission in return or forcing it out of her, then that is oppression. All these other words such as culture, tradition, society are only being used to try and sugar coat the oppression of women by men who think they can get away with being tyrannical. And sadly, the women who deserve love and good treatment from their men end up suffering gravely largely because they are equally the weaker sex. In patriarchal societies, men bullying women is acceptable. Women standing up to the bullies is an abomination.

 

Women, stop assaulting men.

A very recent survey in my country, came up with the following results that 1 in 10 Kenyan men have either been physically or sexually assaulted by the women in their lives be it girlfriends or wives. It’s very interesting that i wanted to blog about this earlier today before checking the day’s Standard Newspaper which coincidentally carries a main feature concerning violence against men when i finally checked. And while i’m an advocate for women’s rights, i don’t at all agree with women assaulting men. In fact, i find it stupid no matter what the man has done or not done to warrant the discipline.

unknownmisandry.blogspot.com

unknownmisandry.blogspot.com

And by the way, this photo is of a real person who was attacked by his wife in Kenya some years back so you can imagine the kind of violence going on in homes.

I believe that i have said it here before that any man who brings out the worst in a woman is a complete NO-NO. Why women stay with men who turn them into ugly beasts in character remains a mystery to me. If you are the sole provider in the home with a man purporting to be your husband who drinks from before day break to sunset, pees on himself in his drunken stupor, demands for sex while as high as a kite and wouldn’t get nor keep a job, then you have no business staying with that man.

Take your kids and go even though many African communities hold the notion that the children belong to the father. Take your children with you because you do not want your no good, so called husband to infect them with his irresponsibility. Take them because you provide for them and do not trust that this man will change and become a provider once you have left. Take them with you because you want to protect them from molestation, God forbid or neglect.

We hear it in the news all the time. A woman who left her kids behind after a marriage gone sour only to have the man molest his own daughter or daughters or worst case scenario, molest his son or sons as a form of revenge for the woman leaving. I see no need for a woman to stay with such a kind of man only to begin battering him because of the pent up anger and bitterness he has caused her.

Forget about society for once women and what it considers ideal and save yourself from turning into a raging beast, who wouldn’t hesitate to pick up a panga (machete) and slash this man’s face the same way you would slash grass.

One of the experts in today’s paper has spoken of women becoming more violent in recent years. One of the victims of domestic violence featured speaks of a once wonderful Christian woman who turned into an animal once they got married.

Dear men, there is something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder which i have spent quite a considerable amount of time reading about for personal reasons. What happens with a person suffering from NPD is that this person will create a false endearing image to outsiders but in the real sense behind closed doors and once in a comfortable place with their intended victim, she or he happens to be emotionally abusive, vindictive, verbally, sexually or physically abusive, manipulative, possessive and controlling.

When dating a person with NPD, you will feel as if you are the luckiest person in the world for having them because they are fun to be around. They will treat you like a prince and act so wonderfully around you. That is not them. That is a created image for purposes of hiding things they consider flaws in them. Anyone who has dealt with NPD knows that these people are very self critical and hateful of themselves and these same things are what they will begin projecting to their victims once in a marriage with them.

I do not believe in a woman changing for the worst after marriage. Do a background check plus some reasonable amount of reading on NPD and you will realize that these men or women were actually wolves in sheep clothing just waiting for the right moment to switch personalities. For the men who have had to endure such kinds of spouses or girlfriends, i truly empathize. And yes, i’m a woman and i do agree that there are abusive women out there.

Women walking around with personality disorders which they themselves do not know they are suffering from. Changing personality disorders in a person is hardly successful due to the fact that most who are afflicted have a huge difficulty actually admitting to having such. The only solution for a man in such a situation if it can’t be fixed is to leave the minute you notice a sudden drastic change in character because with NPD, it will be a lifetime trouble for you.

And not only NPD. Other disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorders as well as Bi polar disorders where the person may exhibit violent tendencies too and may not be in a position to control these extremeties.

A woman who feels the need to attack a man because she is aggrieved is actually a coward. I say this with a lot of confidence because i have heard of very disastrous results from  cowardly women who decided to attack men they felt had aggrieved them or  women they suspected of fooling around with their man.

My aunt works in a hospital. One evening just before close of business hours, a young woman was brought in scalded by hot water by some woman who had mistaken her for her husband’s mistress. This girl was in pain and injured just because this cowardly, paranoid woman had found her visiting her husband’s sister and had assumed since she was the only outsider apart from her husband and his sister in the house, then she must be messing around with her man.

Pretending to want to cook rice, the woman boiled hot water on the stove in the same house and suddenly poured it on the visitor. Someone else’s daughter who had just arrived in the town for her internship and was totally innocent. How crazy can one get?! That incident had highly irritated my aunt and her co-workers.

I say this yet again, women, any man who makes you feel terrible, paranoid or insecure is no good for you. Do not resort to violence with such a kind of man. Hold your head up high and leave him for good.

I feel like women are stooping too low if they continue engaging in such horrendous acts when they had an option to walk out. In such a war, you can never win because the man will continue being the man he is and you will continue worsening in your newly acquired beast like tendencies, only to find yourself unfortunately behind bars for domestic violence related crime.

Why African women need to be comfortable in their skin tones.

If you ask a couple of people both men and women to tell you extremely honestly with no shame at all, what African skin tone in females they consider beautiful, i’m sure your question will elicit a lot of debate. As Africans, i believe we are highly blessed to have a variety of skin tones which caused me to do the following exercise;

Kenyan Actress Brenda Wairimu. Photo courtesy of zuqka.nation.co.ke

Kenyan Actress Brenda Wairimu. Photo courtesy of zuqka.nation.co.ke

Kenyan TV Personality Sheila Mwanyigha. Photo courtesy of imgarcade.com

Kenyan TV Personality Sheila Mwanyigha. Photo courtesy of imgarcade.com

Me of definitelylorna.wordpress.com (was having fun describing myself  :P  )

Lorna Likiza of definitelylorna.wordpress.com (was having fun describing myself 😛 )

Ugandan songstress Juliana Kanyomozi photo courtesy of chimpreports.com

Ugandan songstress Juliana Kanyomozi. Photo courtesy of chimpreports.com

Oscar winner of Kenyan origin Lupita Nyong'o. Photo courtesy of www.forbes.com

Oscar winner of Kenyan origin Lupita Nyong’o. Photo courtesy of http://www.forbes.com

Now i decided to arrange these photos of 5 African women from the African continent, including me, in descending order from the lightest skin tone to the darkest. My idea behind this little exercise was not to further the already nasty stereotypes in place concerning darker women but to actually show my readers and the world that we are indeed blessed with different skin tones and that all skin tones are very beautiful to look at.

I know that there exists a misplaced notion in the West where a section of people assume that all Africans are pitch black in skin tone. Far from it! There are caramel tones, chocolate tones, ebony tones as well as really light tones as in the first woman’s case where her mum happens to be half British and half Kikuyu (a Kenyan community). But still, there are indeed pure African women with no mix at all in them who are as light as Brenda Wairimu.

I personally consider myself chocolate. Juliana Kanyomozi is equally chocolate but of a darker chocolate shade which means there are actually two chocolate skin tone shades, the lighter chocolate and the darker chocolate.

So for a couple of surprisingly African people to actually conclude that only light women are beautiful, i find it totally absurd. From pre-colonial times, Africans were made to feel like they were inferior in class and skin tone to the other races of lighter shades and silkier hair. They were illetrate, supposedly backward because they lived in mud huts and walked around almost naked, had no idea of Christianity and didn’t even wear shoes.

No wonder some traders of other races had no qualms selling Africans into slavery all the while making them feel like human forms of bulldozers who resembled `monkeys’. The missionaries enlightened the Africans with Christianity which i thank them greatly for, don’t get me wrong. They taught them how to be smart in dresses, shirts, trousers, ties and shoes when attending Sunday service.

Then the colonialists came and considered Africans trouble because they posed an obstacle to their desire to acquire our fertile lands and minerals. They made them feel inferior to them and actually used their skin tones as a weapon against them. Sadly, the African remained with this notion that black is ugly and that anything lighter is desirable.

We of the new generation carried it into our society and started placing beauty according to what category of skin tone someone fell into. We hated those who were supposedly darker and exalted those who were considered lighter. Am i blaming any particular person for all this? No. I’m actually blaming all of us including myself.

It is indeed very true that many African and Kenyan women are highly insecure with their skin tones and especially if they fall in the chocolate to ebony category. The well intentioned comment to a fellow lighter woman who is trying on an article of clothing at a shop of `wewe unakaa poa na red kwa sababu uko mweupe. Mimi nikivaa red nitakaa aje?’ (you look nice in red because you are light. If i wear red myself how will i look?) further attests to this insecurity with skin tone.

Who said only a certain skin shade looks nice in a certain color?! The bleaching by some to acquire a lighter shade. The giggles directed at our fellow counterparts from Sudan, who are genetically darker than what is considered the `normal’ skin tone for Africans, when we see them in colors we consider too bright for them, is another form of nasty skin tone shaming that we innocently engage in, while considering ourselves more superior for being lighter in shade.

The colonialists lied to us that our skin tones as Africans had a problem because their reasons for coming to the African continent in the first place weren’t well intentioned. They had to do that just to kill our spirit and achieve what they initially had in mind. Colonialism is long dead and buried but sadly Africans themselves, again including me, are engaging in ugly modern colonialism tactics of segregating one another based on skin tone.

How we do this segregation is by subconsciously and at times obviously preaching that light is beautiful and dark…hmm, acceptable, but not quite. No wonder the abundance of really light skinned women in African music videos as video vixens and some nasty comments directed at our very own Oscar winner, Lupita Nyong’o by none other than fellow African women, because her skin tone isn’t what our kinda warped society thinks is acceptable for a superstar.

African women need to celebrate the versatility of our skin tones. We are equally beautifully and wonderfully made and should actually desist from skin tone shaming. I believe that there is much more to a woman than the color of her skin and therefore her mental abilities and talents should not be judged based on that.

Gone are the days when some rogue bosses in my country employed lighter skinned women never mind that some were not that qualified for the job even, and overlooked the darker skinned women because they did not find them desirable.

Gone are the days where African women could not find make up that suited their skin tones. We are in the 21st century where more emphasis than ever before is being placed on women empowerment. This empowerment should also enable women of African descent, to accept themselves no matter what skin tone they fall into.

 

The kind of men aspiring wives should avoid.

fancyandshmancy.blogspot.com

fancyandshmancy.blogspot.com

For many young women, the desire of walking down the aisle someday in future is always somewhere within the precincts of their hearts. Men have accused us for equally having very elaborate plans of how our weddings should be and what color our bridesmaids should wear. Apparently, for the African man or Kenyan man for that matter, a wedding is usually an unnecessary expense for a one day event. They like to make it seem like they are such economists, these men and women, spendthrifts. Well, we have been told that men come in all shapes and sizes and that Mr Right is only a figment of our very delusional imagination. I don’t dispute the all shapes and sizes fact but as an aspiring wife and a woman who calls bulls***t, bull***t and not a coated term, there are certain types of men that i firmly believe should be avoided at all costs no matter how fast the biological clock is ticking. Here goes:

1. Men threatened by a financially independent woman.

In the 21st century, many more young women are being encouraged on almost a daily basis to be financially independent. You don’t want to get married to a man and be so financially dependent on him to the extent where you can’t afford your own inner wear and tampons. Men have always been screaming from the rooftops about gold diggers and the fact that they don’t consider themselves money machines for women. The surprising thing is that quite a sizable amount of men get very threatened by a woman who can actually afford herself and much more. I thought you hated us asking for pesa ya mboga (grocery money) and would rather spend that 100 kshs we are asking for to buy spinach and tomatoes on a bamba 100 (phone credit) then sulk at us for being so pathetically broke afterward. Or actually have the nerve to demand for meat when you come home later in the evening yet you know very well that 100 bob cannot buy a kilo of meat, spinach, sukuma, tomatoes and onions. Didn’t you consider us a bother when we requested for capital for a small business yet you wanted to construct your parents a permanent house or were already in the process of doing so?

So for some men to actually feel threatened that a woman can afford her own investments, i find it highly contradictory and a put off. Any man who cannot handle the healthy competition from a financially independent woman probably has unhealthy ego issues that need to be checked. He is going to be a thorn in the flesh if you decide to give him a chance to marry you. This is the kind of man who will brand you kichwa ngumu (hard headed) for making your own financial decisions or mchoyo (selfish) and sneaky for having properties in your name. He will fight you every step of the way in a bid to validate  himself and if all his efforts fail, he will divorce you or move out while branding you an unbearable wife. Next minute you will see him with a pretty young thing who is less financially independent than you because he prefers as minimal competition as possible from a woman. She will be much easier to handle and you will beat yourself thinking that he left you because he considered you inadequate and ugly yet the problem is solely his. So young woman, save yourself from unnecessary trouble by avoiding such men.

2. Insecure Men.

A man who is always accusing you of flirting with other men or dressing for other men while still in a relationship is a man who will stress you out big time in marriage. The minute you become his wife, he will place an unspoken `no talking to the opposite sex’ rule on you and will react with anger when other men look at you while in his company. He will accuse you of sleeping your way to a promotion, sleeping with the local male shopkeeper, flirting with your male colleagues, eyeing the neighbor’s shamba boy (gardener) and just about any human that walks around in a trouser. If you try to justify your actions, he may resort to being violent with you or those men he considers threats to his marriage. Another NO-NO.

3. Men with a patriarchal kind of thinking.

Last time i checked, the Bible stated clearly that `Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church’ then it went on to say `Wives submit to your husbands.’

Chauvinistic men or men with a patriarchal kind of thinking choose to ignore the first verse and stick to the second. Such men believe that women should submit to any kind of man as long as he owns has married her. They assume that their dowry payment for that woman means that she is now a commodity to be treated like a second hand T-shirt in the market stall or a doormat. The idea that a woman can only submit to a man who loves and respects her and finds it hard to submit to a man who mistreats her, is completely lost to them. They interpret fear as submission from a woman and in some cases may not hesitate to brag to their male friends about just how much their wives respect them.

A woman who is fearful of her husband does not love him neither is she submitting to him. She is only doing those things she knows will not anger him for the sake of peace and their children. In some situations, the minute her children are grown and have attained their degrees, she might leave that husband or move into a different room.

Such men are the ones who tell a girlfriend that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and nowhere else or a woman should only listen to her husband’s instructions and follow them to the latter or that a woman who is learned ni kisirani (trouble) or men have the right to discipline beat their wives if she is on the wrong. If you young woman are actually sitting down listening to such bullcrap from your boyfriend and trying to argue out your point in the hope of changing him, just know that your efforts will not bear any fruit. Run as fast as you can because should he marry you, then your very existence will wither off and be replaced by your husband’s tyranny over your life.

4. Violent men.

There are communities in my country which used to believe that beating a wife is a sign of love.  And those wives enjoyed the act of the husband chasing them around in the compound in a bid to catch and beat them up. Let me make it clear that such kinds of thoughts remain in the pre-colonial era. If you are a man who has lived in independent Kenya, went to school, have a well paying job, wear the latest suit and casual men’s wear and in the vicinity of your bedroom walls still strangle and hit your wife, then you ought to hide yourself in shame from the rest of the world.

Violent tendencies in a man do not begin to show while in a marriage. For most women who have been very unfortunate to be with such men as husbands, they began to notice the tendencies from the time they were dating. Any boyfriend who occasionally slaps you then claims that you made him do it is an abuser. It doesn’t matter how desperately in love with him you are, he will make it worse, the minute you get married to him. Any boyfriend who throws you out of his house at odd hours of the night because of a disagreement is also an abuser. Any boyfriend who displays violence towards animals, walls and tables and never toward you is also an abuser. Run very fast as if you are fleeing from ghosts because if this ghost catches up with you, he will gobble you up.

NOTE: For my readers who are foreign, forgive me for the over use of Swahili words  😛 Sometimes i think some things are explained way better in our native tongue.

Speaking against sexual violation of women.

Sex is a beautiful act: sweet and memorable.

However, the beauty of sex is at certain times trashed in the event of rape or forced sex amongst couples or people who know each other.

A section of the opposite gender, seem to have a huge problem understanding why a woman they took out on a first date, bought her drinks, got her drunk, took her up to their room and had sex with her in her drunk state, may feel offended or even sexually violated the morning after. They may even accuse her of acting childish yet she is a grown up who had full knowledge that in the setting they were in, the previous night, sex was inevitable. Another smaller section believes that when a woman shows up at your doorstep visiting, you just have to get into her panties whether she wants it or not. Apparently, after you start the deed, she will automatically enjoy it and will only be seeming to say NO because she doesn’t want to seem too eager. After all, women have been trained not to act too eager in the event of sex. Those men who still believe that when a woman says NO she actually means a YES. And you might think that in modern times this notion amongst some men has finally disappeared. Forgive me for bursting your bubble but sadly, from the look of some unfortunate situations, it hasn’t quite faded into oblivion.

I was reading a certain article recently concerning the New Delhi rapists who assaulted gravely and raped a 23 year old woman before throwing her out of a moving bus. For those who kept up with the story, they know how the deed sparked outrage and demonstrations in India condemning sexual violence against women. However, when one of the rapists was recently interviewed by a certain journalist, he seemed to express no remorse at all and actually claimed that had the victim not fought back, then she could still be alive by now or something of the sort. How sick can that get?

Back home, the media has been awash in the past couple of days, with the story of a parliamentarian who is alleged to have raped a 29 year old married woman who had the intention of doing business with him. Now i did not want to talk about that incident too soon on my blog, because of the conflicting reports with people now starting to choose sides. Others believed that the married woman was at fault for hanging out with a man, who by the way happens to be her husband’s friend, at 10 in the night. Yet others believed the rape claims leveled against the said parliamentarian. Well, the DNA tests were taken and the results came out positive and frankly, i still don’t know what to make of that story until the final verdict, as the case is still ongoing in our local courts.

Many times we have also joked with our girlfriends about incidents where certain men took us out on first dates with the intention of getting kinky as the night progressed, and how we came up with all sorts of crazy excuses to get out of the situation. One spoke of how she had to feign stomach ulcer pain to the extent of vomiting so that she could be dropped back home safely after a night out with some men friends. Another feigned a diarrhea bout. Others had to come up with imaginary dates so that the man would remain eager, as you managed to escape this time round from having to sleep with him and probably for good.

A sister of one of my roommates when i resided in the hostel, was unfortunate to escape with cuts on her fingers after a man she and her friends decided to hang out with, got violent when they couldn’t have sex with him and started throwing beer bottles at them in his house. As if to add salt to injury, he threw them out of the house past 1 am leaving them to their own devices and they ended up spending a night in a hotel lobby where the receptionist was gracious enough to allow them. The reason for all these gimmicks is usually the fact that some small section of men believe that women have to pay for the dates and good times with their bodies. And we have therefore resorted to arming ourselves with extra cab money while going out on dates with people we don’t really trust their intentions with us, in case things get ugly.

I am all for the `carrying extra money’ idea as a way of trying to protect ourselves. But as a woman, at times i find myself concluding that we could avoid those dates altogether where we feel like the man wants something we can’t give from us. I’m sure some women have not been that lucky to get off easily and ended up feeling dirty and violated afterward because of the deed. The sad reality is that many fail to report these unfortunate incidences because they firmly believe that they are at fault for going out with this man or for actually taking themselves to his house. According to them, nobody took them there forcefully and therefore it would be hard to prove anything nor to get anyone to believe their claims. I don’t blame them whatsoever in feeling that way. I actually empathize with their predicament.

However, let me make it clear to all and sundry that forced sex is equivalent to rape. Just the fact that one of the parties wasn’t willing qualifies it to be rape. It doesn’t matter whether you took yourself to his house or to his car willingly or not. A man who forces himself on a woman without her consent is actually a chauvinist who has misplaced notions of sex and downright malicious. He is lacking in any ounce of morality and probably battles self esteem issues and therefore deserves to be punished for his deeds and i really wish that was very possible in situations such as these where the women feel at fault. It is high time we called a spade a spade and not a big spoon and outlined clearly what is equivalent to sexual violation of women. It is so sad that when women get raped some people take it upon themselves to point fingers at how they were dressed and where they were walking at the time of the incident or in whose company they were in as a justification for the rape. Instead of empathizing with these women, society sometimes castigates them and further wounds them.

It is for this reason that i at times feel that if women are in a position to protect themselves in certain situations, then they should. Women are equipped with strong instincts and i thank our heavenly father greatly for that. It is that same instinct that warns us beforehand of a man’s ill intentions when he is asking us to meet him somewhere or to go somewhere with him. It doesn’t matter how much acquainted with that man we are. If we feel it within that something is not right, then we better forgo the date or whatever plans we had planned with him. It is better to be the dull girl who misses out on all the fun than the girl who readily agrees on a weekend out of town with some obviously `sex hungry’ man, only to have him force himself on her. Any man who feels the need to be paid for drinks, food and excursions or trips out of town with a woman’s body is only a perverted misogynist.

It is high time that everyone understood that rape is never the victim’s fault and neither is forced sex. It is also high time that women understood that there are indeed men out there, who respect women and would never force themselves on a woman even when in privacy with her and not the misplaced notion that all men are after sex. It is only then that they will have enough confidence to call forced sex what exactly it is and not to feel like they deserved it.

Has someone just pulled a Houdini stunt on you???

Have you ever gotten into a relationship where everything was going just fine then all of a sudden the guy pulled a Houdini stunt on you? Or worst case scenario, he pulled the stunt just after you two had gotten intimate? I know some men after reading this are going to claim that also women can pull Houdini stunts in relationships but considering the nature of my blog, most of my arguments will have the female in mind and frankly i’m unapologetic about that.

There are those Houdini stunts which are somehow slower and those ones that are just rapid like PAP! (like we say in my country) and the guy is gone. The slower ones are when the calls or texts start diminishing or the times you meet become non-existence or you suddenly realize that your boyfriend hardly pays any attention to you while you are talking just generally. You may even get a kind of `bored with you’ vibe from him. The rapid ones are when he suddenly vanishes just after you two had sex or after a while of constant communication with no explanation whatsoever. If you are quite a reader of relationship or love and dating blogs like i am, you must have realized by now that there is something they call the pull-back phase.

By explanation, this is when the man in your life starts withdrawing from you and being as female as you are, you start trying to find out why he is doing so. Apparently, this creates the rubber band effect where the guy is trying hard to pull back and you are following him with your questions and demands and the rubber band of course goes slack meaning he loses interest in you. But apparently, there is a twist to it, if he pulls back and you let him go, then he will snap back towards you meaning he will eventually come back. But then if you let him pull back completely and cut him off when he is trying to come back, then the rubber band will break meaning he might leave for good. At least that is the interpretation of the rubber band effect that i managed to get from some of the dating blogs i have been poring over.

jasonthomasmayfield.com

jasonthomasmayfield.com

Anyone who has had to experience this from their man know how hurting and annoying it usually is. You get many questions in your head and wonder what exactly you did wrong for him to act the way he is acting. You may also flip out on him in the process. Then you try to find some answers and probably search the Internet for something or ask your girlfriends for advice or other guy friends for that matter. The downside is, most dating advice blogs will give you the usual `men needing to reconnect with their masculine side’ or `working out their true feelings for you’ excuses for them withdrawing. Others will claim that you probably sold yourself too short in the initial stages of the relationship and therefore you need to change tact. Don’t get me wrong, i really appreciate the advice that the writers of these particular blogs put in much of their time to give to their readers, but as a proudly feminist, i can’t help but think different.

I have been in a relationship where the man constantly pulled a Houdini stunt on me and i tolerated it for close to 4 years. He would be gone for months but then all of a sudden, he would be back and i, being the mushy me i was then, would take him back. The last stunt lasted a total 1 year and 8 months and then he was back and i was actually in another relationship by then but was willing to get back with him. But not for long, the guy was gone before i could even say `yellow’. Next thing i knew, he had gotten married. Did i get devastated on knowing about his marital status? Not really. In fact, i was happy that i wouldn’t be hearing from him ever again. By then the Houdini stunts from him had become normal for me.But i sure used to get highly devastated all those times he kept on disappearing on me and then reappearing. I questioned a lot of things including my level of education all the while thinking that i had the problem.

Another guy i dated would ask for his space and i would give it to him as we lived in close vicinity and i knew that at times, it would be inevitable for me not to see him everyday. However, despite his complaints and my attempts at giving him the space he wanted, he still acted dissatisfied. In the end after close to two years of an on and off relationship, we called it quits for good. Others did not even bother to let me know what was up but they sure as hell slackened on the communication and on the frequency of our meetings leaving me to fill in the blanks for myself. Which was of course almost unbearable for me at times.

The whole point of this `confession’ of mine?

It is to tell you women, who are suffering and beating yourselves over the fact that a man you thought loved you has suddenly disappeared on you without explanation, that such kinds of relationships hardly work. For some, yes. But for most, hardly.

I have witnessed people i know personally date for several years, are always in each other’s company like `two peas in a pod’ while seeming to enjoy it and never once, did the man need space to recharge his masculinity or to feed his testosterone levels or whatever excuse is given concerning the occurrence of that. One relationship ended in marriage and the other is still going strong. My point is, if a man is withdrawing from you in a relationship, he SIMPLY DOESN’T LOVE YOU. And if there is anything related to love in his system, then it is UNDISTINGUISHED LIKE. Meaning, he is not that sure whether he is in love with you or not. And dear sister, you don’t need to read about how to get him back to you nor to wait by the phone for the day he will call or text. No matter how tough it is for you to let go of this particular man, you need to mentally train yourself to forget his existence and focus on yourself.

Not unless you are willing to set yourself up for an on and off relationship. Men who initially left come back for various reasons. For others, it is only curiosity which drives them to pick up the phone and call a woman they relegated to the back seat months or years ago. Some want to show off their achievements to those women they know will be awed by it and sadly, if he is calling you for that, you can just tell where he has placed you in his heart. In the place reserved for cheapskates who get mesmerized by material things. A section just want a lay. Yet another section may be desperate for female attention before the next hot thing comes around.

Are you sure you want to entertain such a man who keeps on disappearing and reappearing without notice? You can’t even account for his actions when you were apart. Do you want to die of jealousy and pain when he suddenly settles down with another woman after playing around with you like a tennis ball for years.

If at all men needed to recharge their masculinity or testosterone levels from time to time, then they wouldn’t be getting into marriages in the first place. How then would they have survived in a marriage while seeing the same woman on a daily basis and sharing a bed with her? Probably end up in the ICU because of `chronic denied space’. Of course in a relationship as adults, you both know what amount of space to give each other and at what times but for a man just to disappear like that because he needs to sort out his feelings regarding you, it actually doesn’t make sense at all to me. If he wasn’t sure at first about you, he had no business being with you. Why string you along then take time off abruptly to think?

Women need to love themselves. Love yourself to the extent where a man really has to pull up his socks to give you the love you deserve from him. If you unfortunately meet one who disappears, let him be and don’t wait around for him to come back. He never loved you nor will he truly when he gets back. He’s probably just checking up on you while still keeping his options open. Such men are commitment phobes who suddenly feel suffocated by commitment and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the poor woman who sadly ended up with such a guy. Say bye bye to his Houdini stunts for good because you doubt their authenticity.

Blessed Sunday!

 

 

I don’t believe in chasing after someone who walked out on you.

I was watching a certain Trisha episode yesterday evening where this 28 year old woman wanted a particular man to admit that he had indeed fathered her. Now there was a son present belonging to the said `father’ of this same woman but from a different mother. And though it was quite obvious from their looks that they were father and daughter, the son and daughter chose to fight throughout the show while the father stuck to his story that he doubted she was indeed his because the dates just didn’t add up. Words were thrown and it was just an ugly mess for a show (i don’t know why Trisha allows this on her shows but who am i to judge anyway?) before the DNA results proved that this man was actually that woman’s father.

I couldn’t help though but wonder why at 28, this woman was so hell bent on proving that this man who had constantly denied her all her life, was her dad. Was it because she had battled daddy issues? Was it because she felt like she needed to vindicate her mum for getting pregnant at 14 by this man? Apparently, her mum had given her a detailed explanation of how it had all happened, including how many times she had sex with her daughter’s father the night she conceived. Sounds a little off and too much detail, right? I thought so too.

I have never been one to believe in chasing after someone who walked out on you. At 17, this boy would have stepped up and admitted to fathering that child whether the girl claimed otherwise. Instead, he chose to believe her when she claimed that he wasn’t the father, out of fear according to her side of the story, because he was a friend to somebody in her family. And he actually went ahead to convince himself that the dates did not add up and that he couldn’t have fathered that child for a total of 28 years! Wasn’t that enough proof for this mum and daughter that this man wasn’t interested in being a daddy? Was the DNA necessary if this woman had managed to raise her daughter without his support for a whole 28 years? Did this mum even realize that she needed to be proud of herself for bringing up this daughter whether this man was present in their lives or not?

Why women choose to second guess themselves in such scenarios like these has always remained a mystery to me.

Some unknown person stated clearly that `it is very easy to become a father but being a father, is much harder’.

There are hundreds of men who have fathered children, suspect that they are indeed the fathers to those children, haven’t been in contact with the mothers of those children for years, haven’t seen those children even and are perfectly OK living with that knowledge and doing nothing about it. Would it be wise for a woman to keep following this man whose actions clearly show he is not that interested?

I think it is high time that women stopped second guessing themselves and moved on. Close that chapter completely. It doesn’t matter whether you were once in a steamy relationship with this man or not. It doesn’t matter whether you bore him a child that now he can’t bear to look at or can’t imagine himself stepping up to the role of a father. If he walked out on you the minute you gave him the pregnancy news then he isn’t worth chasing nor is he worth being in that child’s life.

The reason why so many women are carrying such heavy burdens in their hearts is because they refuse to forget about men who have treated them like trash in the past. They refuse to find that closure for themselves without the man present to sort it out. Women need to know and realize that they are much stronger than they think. If they weren’t that strong, then the pain of bringing forth life would have been too hard for them to bear. But they indeed bear it with an unexplained courage whether it is the right time for them to become mothers or not. Whether it was planned or unplanned. And they still carry on with that same courage while raising kids whose fathers are putting no input whatsoever. Motherhood, as some Christian post i was reading stated, is indeed a blessing and not an unpleasant chore. What makes it unpleasant is women refusing to forgive that man who got them pregnant, letting go of the pain and forgetting about him.

I am of the school of thought that if he was indeed the one to walk away, then he should be the one to come looking and not the other way round. And that is the main reason why daughters or sons for that matter, who go in search of men who initially wanted nothing to do with them, suffer the pain of rejection and cold treatment from these men. It is high time that women and single mothers should instill high courage in their children so that those particular children should not feel like something is missing in their lives to the extent of embarking on a fruitless search for a father who doesn’t want you. If he didn’t want you when you were chubby and cute with those huge innocent eyes, what makes you think that he would want you when you are all grown with a beard thing going or fully woman? If he got off the hook then, 80% of the chances are he would still want to get off the hook now.

Men who father children and leave them hanging are actually cowards who should be left in their cowardly dance. It takes a hellova courage to step up and father that child who is a product of whatever relationship you had whether it was a one night stand or a friend with benefit thing or a teenage romance for that matter.

Are men dangerous or simply different??

This is a question i have been asking myself for a while. And the reasons as to why that particular question popped up in my head, stem from a couple of observable factors over time.

I would like to speak from an African perspective.

As most African women already know, their mothers placed a lot of emphasis on how their girl children should dress. While growing up, we were told to cover up because that is what is indeed acceptable for a woman and especially if there happened to be men in the vicinity (mostly our fathers), we were required to dress with dignity. A girlfriend of mine would tell us how she and her sister would always tie a lesso (African wrapper) over their jeans trousers as soon as their father arrived before he caught sight of them. This was mainly because she was a pastor’s kid and the rule of the house was that as girl children, they were not supposed to wear trousers of any kind. Surprisingly enough, as soon as she left home for her semester in campus, jeans trousers, shorts, chino pants…you name it, automatically transformed into her daily wear. I myself have had to run for a lesso to tie on top of something i was wearing one time when my uncle showed up at the house without notice and i had been cleaning in a pair of jeans short shorts. It wasn’t something that had been imposed upon me to do then, rather i found myself doing it as a reflex action because i knew it would have been highly inappropriate for him to see me in such attire at his advanced age.

I schooled in a mixed boarding school for my high school education where discipline of the highest standard was upheld. One time, a certain school that also happened to be a mixed boarding school visited and the teachers were appalled upon realizing that we were mixed girls and boys on the same table in the dining hall, physics and chemistry labs as well as classes. In their school, despite being mixed, the girls had separate classes from the boys and sat separately in the dining hall. Well, you should have seen how our school administration gloated afterward over the fact that our school had managed to uphold the highest level of discipline without having to completely separate the boys from the girls. Don’t get me wrong my readers, my school was the best and i don’t ever regret being there. As a matter of fact, i still have very fond memories of that place.

However, you couldn’t help but notice that there were some of those rules that were actually made with regards to the fact that there were boys in the same school. For example, we were only allowed long skirts that were kinda baggy, we weren’t allowed to wear earrings and to style our hair in any way except tying it back if it was permed or cutting it short. I had short hair in form 1 then grew it and permed it so as to make it manageable for the 3 months i was away from home during the term. Boy-girl relationships at school were also highly forbidden and it could earn you a suspension if you were found out. As for those who decided to make their school skirts tighter, it was trouble all the way with the one in charge of girls’ discipline because HELLO! there were boys in the same school. To top it all of at the beginning of each month, it was mandatory for all the girls to undergo a pregnancy test organised by the school much to the glee of the boys who snickered at us while we got called from class by the prefects for it. To make up for the fact that we couldn’t even wear studs on our ears to school, most of us girls who had pierced ears resorted to the common practice of wearing tiny dry grass sticks to prevent the holes from closing up.

Anyways, i have no problem with any of the things i have highlighted above. My only problem comes in when the real message behind all those measures is not communicated clearly to the recipients. When African girls grow up believing that men(including their fathers) cannot be trusted and therefore they have to undertake certain measures to protect themselves. They have to cover up because if they reveal too much, men somewhere are going to lust after them. They have to refrain from interacting with the boys in teenagehood because all these teenage boys want from them is to get into their panties  :p  Never mind that both the teenage boys and girls are at an experimentation stage. Most African women will agree with me that the real message behind all those measures that were being put in place to protect them from the men while growing up, actually wasn’t communicated at all. The only purpose the measures served was to instill in them a certain fear toward the opposite sex. That if you got too close to your father as soon as you hit puberty and experienced all these bodily changes, he could end up sleeping with you and that dressing in a certain way implied that you wanted men to look at you. And the men know that there is that fear instilled in women concerning them and they use it to their maximum advantage. Never mind that it is infact a baseless fear.

Let me make it clear that a father who lusts after his daughter is actually a pervert and lacking in integrity. It has nothing to do with how close she is with him or how she dressed in his presence or whether he noticed she was becoming a woman or not. If he cared enough, he would have asked her gently to change into something more appropriate, if he noticed she wasn’t appropriately dressed because that too is his job as a parent and not for the mother only, as some African men would like to believe. As a matter of fact, a girl who is growing up should actually be encouraged to dress decently for her own self respect. She should be made to know that she is now becoming a woman and there is nothing to be ashamed of regarding whatever changes are taking place in her body. And as a result of that, as a way to uphold her dignity as a woman, she should dress appropriately so that she will in turn be accorded her respect by men and women alike and not because if she dresses inappropriately some man is going to look and notice and follow her around and get her pregnant or rape her.

The message that should be communicated to this girl is that men are wired differently from women and it is the reason they may act in certain ways that are not similar to how women act. One thing for sure is that men are visual creatures. It is their nature to look. They may look at other women even in the company of their own girlfriends and wives. Surprisingly, sometimes they are just looking at the face in a restaurant because the other woman comes across as pretty and not because of something she is even wearing. It is the same way they noticed you who is in a relationship with them. They looked at you and something in you caught their eye. Men’s first attraction to a woman is actually physical before they start noticing other deeper traits in her. As for the rapists, blame it on their perversion levels as well and their lack of respect for women and not on how the unwilling victim was dressed.

And it is for these sole `fear factor’ reason in women, that i think a section of men feel like they have the right to strip a woman who is supposedly dressed inappropriately in public, because she was dressing for them. She wanted them to see her curves and her cleavage and to turn them on in the process. She should have covered up knowing that men are `dangerous’ and they therefore want to prove to her how dangerous they can be by stripping her in public for all to see what she wanted to initially show them. How come the African men in the olden days never considered their bare chested women as `naked’ or `indecent’? It is because they appreciated the fact that those particular women were dressing the way their environment and culture could allow them to and not because there were men around that they wanted to see their boobs and thighs. I’m almost 100% sure that if those women knew about bras and blouses to cover up, they would have gladly embraced them because they would indeed have seen the logic behind covering up what they used to feed their children and to make them feminine. But all they knew about were leaves, reeds and skin as clothing.

Pretty black woman in tight dress smiling-community.allhiphop.com

Pretty black woman in tight dress smiling-community.allhiphop.com

Let me make it clear to men that how a woman chooses to dress depends on her levels of self-respect. It has nothing to do with the opposite sex. But society has since made it to look like how a woman dresses has a direct effect on the male gender. As a matter of fact, we have no mandate whatsoever to try and impose our religious beliefs or integrity on other people who are of a different ideology and belief from us. And it is for this reason that people in Western countries don’t even seem to bat an eyelid when a curvaceous woman walks around in a booty short. It is because they have embraced everyone else’s beliefs and are not trying to act judgmental of others like we do back here. They have also grasped the concept that how a woman dresses is not because of the male gender but for herself. They also know that if they harass her, they will get into trouble with the law because the law allows for a freedom of dress and expression.

As an African female, i just feel that girls growing up in our society should be taught to do certain things in a certain way, like dressing appropriately for example, for themselves and not because the men cannot be trusted in the presence of an indecently dressed woman. If the girl deviates in adulthood from what was initially taught to her, then that is up to her and not to anyone else. We teach our girls to fear men instead of understanding how men are and that is why some end up getting pregnant in teenage hood because what they know is that all men are after one thing. So she gave in, unfortunately got pregnant and she blames herself for giving in while knowing how men can be dangerous. I mean, what does a teenage boy know? He’s no different from a teenage girl. Wired differently yes, but still a teenager. What this girl should have been told is that with raging hormones, sex can be inevitable at times and therefore she needs to consider her dreams and goals in life first before she decides to give in to sex. We teach women to fear their sexuality instead of embracing it and protecting it for their own self-respect. No wonder some will ask, what is the point in covering up because of men? If i dressed the way i wanted with legs showing, cleavage showing, what will happen? What will the men do? And the men know how much we fear them and attack that particular sexuality just to further confirm the legibility of that fear to us which ends up confusing us women more.

If you are parenting a girl child, don’t simply tell her that men are dangerous therefore she needs to do this and that to protect herself. Explain to her the difference between men and women and why she needs to respect herself in light of that.