Ladies, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a chequered relationship history.

Have you ever encountered those mean men who cunningly ask you `how many men have you ever slept with?’ only to get mad at your answer and accuse you of lying or being a tramp if you decided to unknowingly be so honest?

Or worst case scenario, a single African mother with one child of mixed race and the rest pure African, who has to endure constant gossips about her and snide remarks from none other than her fellow women, because she is supposedly loose for having children with different fathers including those from other races.

Or a single mother who keeps on getting hit on by men who think that she is very available since she doesn’t ‘belong’ to anyone. And by the way, being married doesn’t mean that a woman now belongs to the man she is married to. She has actually been joined in Holy matrimony to him. Another clarification for the clueless ones who think that since they come from patriarchal societies they have the mandate to `own’ their wives.

Just how many women have been drawn into depression for the sole crime of having a chequered relationship history that has since come to light? Women whose husbands now want nothing to do with them because they discovered that they once aborted. Now i’m not an advocate for abortion but despite that fact, i believe that i have no right whatsoever to point a finger at another of my gender who has unfortunately had to endure that. All for the sole reason that shit at times happen and none of us is born very knowledgeable.

We sometimes fall in this journey called `life’, get up and learn from our mistakes. If at all we don’t learn from our mistakes then we only have ourselves to blame and not others to point judgmental fingers at us.

Women who feel the need to hide their children from a previous relationship gone bad because they are scared that the man present in their lives at the time, won’t be able to love them fully if he knew she has other kids. And these kids left behind by the mother have to suffer as she embarks on a new life with another man.

Just who questions men on the number of women they have ever slept with before marriage or how many kids they have ever sired and abandoned the women? Well, the answer is self-explanatory.

Women have been socialized never to question men. It is deeply entrenched in us and even though we are at times dying to know what this man we now call a boyfriend or husband has been up to before we came along, we mentally train ourselves to forget it.

We refrain from asking not because we wouldn’t be interested in knowing if we are currently married to a man who was once a Casanova or are dating a Casanova for that matter, but because we know our questions will get us nowhere. Probably elicit an angry reaction from the man. Fair enough.

But who gave the men the mandate to question us about our past relationship history and to judge us for that matter if we are not allowed to do the same to them? More questions that obviously are lacking in comprehensible answers.

Anyone who has been in romantic relationships before knows very well that it is a f***d up world. People fall in love easy but when it comes to falling out of love, it is harder because there are complications in the name of `feelings’ or perhaps an `unplanned pregnancy’.

Women are guilty of thinking with their hearts. We can’t really help it and that is why we will ignore all our instincts which tell us to flee before it is too late. Of course there are those women who are really lucky to meet their prince charming in their first loves, date for 2,3,4 years and get married with a white wedding.

Most are not that lucky. Most will have to endure longterm relationships that eventually amount to nothing, numerous short lived romances leaving them questioning themselves, perhaps a teenage pregnancy or an unwanted pregnancy by the father of the child, tumultuous relationships that drag on for years and all because we think with our hearts.

Have you ever looked at a man you have just started dating and suddenly the question `am i really dating the right man?’ ran through your mind? That is your instinct telling you that your decision is probably the wrong one. But we could be seeking solace or not wanting to find logic in that question because our hearts tell us that we are in love. And in the long run we end up hurt by this same man that we trusted.

It happens too to the men. Falling in love with a no good only to end up messed up. But i believe that the men are better equipped to handle relationship heartbreaks as they have the ability to completely divide their minds and society isn’t as harsh in judging them as it is with the female gender. They hurt too terribly but eventually move on whether there is a child or children in the picture.

For a woman with a child, some people will question. And especially in societies where there is a lot of stereotyping of unmarried mothers. She may even be blamed for it and especially if it comes to light that she was the one who walked out of the marriage or whatever arrangement she had with the father of her child.

In my society, i’ve heard some people claim that men from this and that community can’t accept to marry a woman with a boy child. With a girl child, they can compromise as girls are said to pose the least threat. With a boy child, there will be complications, so i hear. Such kinds of stereotyping of single mothers and the likes.

For the man, a simple explanation that it didn’t work out with the mother of the child will do and another woman will gladly move in as long as her heart tells her she loves this man irregardless of his past baggage. It is the harsh reality that we women have to accept and be wiser on the kind of information about our past relationship history that we give.

If at all you meet a man who claims to love you and can’t love a child with a different father that you have, then dear sister, he doesn’t deserve you. Do not at any point feel the need to please him by disowning your own child for him. That is just a too big sacrifice to make for a man whom you are not even sure he will stick by you for the rest of your life.

Someone who truly loves you will love you with the whole package. He will not see the need to prod about your past relationship history because he knows that the past is buried and it is the future we are pursuing and as long as you are sexually healthy, loyal and much more wiser, then it is the two of you that now matter. He will not whatsoever judge you for past wrong decisions that you made.

I personally do not believe in this excuse that the men give of `loathing the thought of you having been intimate before with another man to the extent of a child being born as exhibit.’ Trust me, if we women thought the same way, then many men would have had trouble trying to date us as we wouldn’t have given in. The men have no right to give the excuse of jealousy as a driving factor to being judgmental of women who are clearly not virgins.

If you can’t handle the whole package, just say you can’t and your reasons will be understood . Another will be able to handle it if fate allows. As for ladies, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a chequered relationship history as those experiences made you much more wiser than you ever were. They taught you the harsh truth about love that we always choose to ignore. In short you are more logical in your approach to love.

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2 comments

  1. Great post and totally agree with your point. I’m tired of the double standard. Especially being a single mom I run into it all the time. Men with babies are considered adorable and in need of help. But when I tell a man I’m interested in that I have a kid they tell me “Oh, I guess I don’t mind”. The hell? I wasn’t asking you how it effects you, I was just letting you know.

    Liked by 2 people

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